Under the Table and Dreaming

What I Want Is What I've Not Got

Here's what I wanted for today:

• To sleep more than three hours last night.
• To prepare for my lecture tonight, as I'm being observed by my supervisor.
• A shower before class.
• A nap.
• A less hectic start to my week.
• To write a post about expectations and life - something deep and meaningful.

Here's what I got for today:

• Three hours' sleep.
• Winging my lecture tonight.
• No shower as I have to be at school early.
• No nap.
• A horribly hectic day that has not let up since the alarm went off at 6:30
• A post that is about nothing important and is very shallow.

My apologies to any of you who had expectations of me that were not met. I'll try to do better next time. Until then, I'll try to sleep. Sleep = mood improvement, I hope.

P.S. Brownie points to the reader who can identify where my title came from.

A Trail Of Two Cities

Today was the Trail of Two Cities Marathon and Half in Fresno. My mom and her friend Julie walked it. I was supposed to be running the half marathon today, but I didn't. I hardly have done any training since the Triathlon at Pacific Grove so I didn't register. I'm fine with that decision. But as I went to the marathon and stood by the finish line, I wished I had trained and run the half.

It was nice to see my friends and teammates at the Expo yesterday and at the marathon today. But it made me realize how disconnected I've become from that part of my life. Granted, I have nothing to train for right now and have a hip issue. But I also haven't made an effort to spend any time with my friends. I know that life gets busy and we don't always connect, but it feels to me that I'm like a distant acquaintance who people say, "Yeah, I remember her. What ever happened to her." The blame belongs solely to me.

And I realized today as I was told something I had not expected to hear, that I have a busy life. And sometimes that busy life impacts the things I really want to do and makes me not so good at the things I think I'm really good at. But as I have said before, we don't always see ourselves as others see us. Lesson learned.

My mom and Julie walked the half marathon in 2:56. I'm extremely proud of her. She's in phenomenal shape and kicks my ass every time we walk. My friend and tri teammate, Nabil ran his first full marathon in 3:16. I'm exceptionally proud. My coach, Jenny, ran the half in 1:50. I'm surrounded by amazing athletes and talented people and I'm glad I was out there today to see them.

I'm going to physical therapy to get my hip taken care of. I had thoughts of quitting this endurance event stuff today as I stood on the side of the course near the finish line and realized that (1) I'm not a runner and (2) I probably never will be. Then I realized that I don't have to be. I am who I am. I may or may not ever run a marathon or half. I may or may not ever do a century ride. I may or may not do another triathlon. But whatever I do, I will give it my best effort. Just like all my friends did today.

To everyone who did the marathon or half today, congratulations. You all did a great thing. Whether it was your first or fiftieth, you should be proud. I am.

Beyond Tired

I'm still not sleeping. I wake up any where between 1:45 and 3:00 and don't go back to sleep until the alarm's ready to go off. I have a sleep aid I bought at Trader Joe's that is supposed to help, but it takes a while to get into your system. So at 3:30 last night I took an Advil PM.....and nothing happened. At 4:00, I took another one. BIG MISTAKE. Yes, I went back to sleep, until Michael woke me at 6:30. And again at 7:00. And again at 7:15. I feel like I've been moving through a layer of fog all day. I'm tired and getting irrationally crabby. I need a good night's sleep, preferably without the aid of medication. I need to be more coherent tomorrow as I am going to have a long day.

This weekend is the Trail of Two Cities Marathon and Half here in Fresno. I was supposed to be running the half. I am not as my hip is causing me a lot of pain and I'm not going to torture myself just to run 13 miles. But not competing doesn't mean I'm not involved. I have volunteered my time with Team In Training to work their booth at the expo. I wanted to do something to give back for all that Team has given to me.

My mom and her friend, Julie are walking the half marathon on Sunday. They are trying got complete it in under 3 hours as my mom was pissed they finished in 3:03 last year. I will be there when they finish. I am hoping to see a lot of my friends at the finish line. This year, I have a lot of friends who are running.

I was thinking about that the other day. This time last year, I told Becky I would go and stand in the cold and take pictures for her of TNT people. It was after I'd committed to doing the triathlon, but before I'd started training. I look back at where this year has taken me, and I think that it's been an amazing journey. Were it not for my bothersome hip, I would actually be running a half marathon on Sunday. Last year at this time, I couldn't walk 2 miles. I've made some amazing friends and met some amazing people.

If you get a chance and you live in Fresno, come out and cheer the runners. Yes, watching a marathon isn't football game exciting, but it is something to see. I always used to wonder about the people who would stand there for hours and cheer the runners on. But it really is a lot of fun. That and I have a totally different perspective on endurance events now that I've done some.

I owe you my Friday playlist. I don't have my iPod with me, so I will do another post when I get home. In the mean time, be good.

This N That

Once or twice a year, I go through a period of insomnia. I can't sleep. Or I sleep really hard for two or three hours and wake up. I'm exhausted, not having slept past 2 a.m. for three nights. I am not sure what causes it except that it happens when the seasons change. Anyway, I'm really tired. And probably won't make much sense. Here's what's on my mind, though.

My heart goes out to those soldiers and families who were killed or wounded at Fort Hood. I think most of us assume our soldiers are at least safe here on U.S. soil. What a sad thing.

My boss' business partner passed away unexpectedly last night. That is the seventh person I know this year who has died. I'm starting to wonder if people should start keeping their distance from me.

The Yankess won the World Series. Ugh. I hate the Yankees.

NPR did a special report about Afghanistan. If you missed it, you should try to catch it on line. It was really informative.

I will probably read 40 books this year. I'm stoked about that. I just got David Finkel's The Good Soldiers which is supposed to be this year's The Forever War, which was my favorite book from last year so I'm excited about that.

That's all I have. It's off to early slumber for me. Have a good one.

A Killing Without Honor

Police in Peoria, Arizona arrested Faleh Hassan Almalaki for murder. Almalaki, an Iraqi living in the United States, ran down his daughter, Noor Faleh Almaleki, 20 and 43-year-old Amal Edan Khalaf, Noor's boyfriend's mother. After two weeks in intensive care, Noor died from her injuries. Amal remains hospitalized. Noor left a son. If you haven't heard the story, I'm sure you're wondering why a father would run down his daughter with his car. The answer? His daughter had become "too westernized" and refused an arranged marriage, instead opting to move in with her boyfriend and son. This type of murder occurs a lot in the Middle East and Africa and is called Honor killings. When a woman does something that dishonors her family in some way, a male family member will kill her to restore the family's honor. This occurs frequently in cases of rape. Women are considered to be at fault if they are raped, no matter what the situation. When they are raped, they shame their family and a family member must restore honor by killing her.

The case of Noor Almaleki is not unusual. Honor killings have been happening in immigrant communities in the United States with increasing and alarming frequency. People that come to the United States from places in Africa and the Middle East often suffer from culture shock. We are, after all, a much different society than they are coming from. Women are treated far better in this society than elsewhere in the world. Our culture is more free and open and lenient when it comes to things like women being able to drive, not cover their faces, wear make-up, be educated and work. For the most part, there are no arranged marriages here. But a lot of the time, people that immigrate here, bring their culture and stick to their cultural norms, despite them being so different from the norms here. The failure to assimilate probably has a lot to do with the conflict that erupts between parents and children, who attend American schools and learn Western ways.

This situation is a reminder that no matter how far we've come as a society, we have a long way to go. It's not just the Iraqi/Islamic culture that we have to deal with. We have to deal with our failure to recognize that this is happening and our failure to try to stop it. Noor's father said to several different people that Noor was becoming too Westernized. I am sure that there were people who saw warning signs they chose to ignore. We, as a society, are failing young women who immigrate to this country if we turn a blind eye to the tremendous stress they endure in moving to a foreign land with a different language and culture.

It is also a reminder that in most other parts of the world, women are not afforded the basic human rights that we take for granted. I do not have to worry about my father killing me for living with Michael out of wedlock (though I'm quite sure he doesn't like it). I have an education that so many women in the world are denied. Nicholas Kristof of the New York Times has written a book "Half the Sky", which makes a strong argument that everyone benefits when women are afforded basic human rights, most especially education.

The way you defeat ignorance and extremism is through education. Not just education for those who believe in honor killings, but for women. Participation in civil society insures that society remains civil. If you have an entire gender that is excluded from basic things like education and jobs, you cannot have a society that functions on a level where it can excel. Greg Mortensen makes that basic argument in "Three Cups of Tea" He has built more than 100 schools in Pakistan and Afghanistan that girls attend and that the Taliban leaves alone.

Women in the Middle East and Africa face such daunting challenges - veils, lack of opportunity for education, AIDS, rape, genocide, honor killings. There could be a woman in Africa or the Middle East who could find the cure for cancer or write the next great novel, but we will never know because she lacks the opportunity to learn. She lacks the opportunity to excel. She lacks basic human rights and has to worry whether she'll be raped and then killed by her family.

I'm not sure what the answer is. I don't really have one. But it doesn't mean I'm not outraged or that I don't think about this. It also means that I realize how incredibly lucky I am to live where I do.

The End Of History

It's the twentieth anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall. I was a senior in high school when the Berlin Wall fell. I was in college when the Soviet Union was officially dissolved. I went to Russia shortly thereafter. I grew up a child of the Cold War. It was always the US against the Soviets and that was just how the world was going to be. Then it all fell down.

I remember sitting in my debate class and watching the special report on the news. I clearly remember Tom Brokaw talking about the wall coming down. I remember the images of people standing atop the wall with sledge hammers. I was a long way removed from the events that were happening in Berlin. But, as it turns out, not that far away. My neighbors went to Berlin when the wall was coming down. They had taken a trip to Europe and were in Berlin at a fortuitous time. When they came home, they brought me piece of the wall. I have it. It is sitting on top of my entertainment center. It's a small piece of concrete. But it's part of world history.

My sophomore year in high school, the debate topic was the United States should adopt a policy to increase political stability in Latin America. At the time, there were economists here that were predicting the downfall of the Soviet Union economically, which would lead to the fall of the Soviet government and system. At the time, I really didn't believe that would happen, but it made a good case to say that the U.S. would step in and take care of Cuba when the Soviet Union fell. No one believed it would actually happen. But it did.

And it started with a wall coming down that had separated a city for 18 years. The wall was built shortly after John Kennedy took office. He took a lot of criticism at the time for not doing anything about the East Germans/Soviets building the wall. Berlin had been a divided city since the end of World War II, when it was divided into zones. The U.S., British, French and Soviet zones. It was consolidated into West versus East. Berlin was the flash point of Cold War relations and a microcosm of the rest of the U.S. versus U.S.S.R conflict.

It's funny to have to explain to Patrick what the Cold War was. What the Berlin Wall was. What it symbolized. He was born well after the fall of the Soviet Union. His experience with the Cold War will be relegated to what he reads from my book shelves or in his history texts.

The fall of the Berlin wall is one of those defining moments of my generation. Everyone I know remembers where they were when they saw it happen. It was like Tienanmen Square. The images are burned into your psyche. I cannot believe that it has been twenty years since the Wall came down. I cannot believe that it has been almost twenty years since I graduated from high school. While I wouldn't want to live that time over, I can't believe how quickly it fades into history.

Are we better off for the Soviet Union having collapsed? Arguments can be made both ways. Are we better off that Germany is one and there is no longer a wall dividing Berlin? I think so. The transition for most Iron Curtain countries has been hard. They were left in political and economic ruin with no infrastructure to build anew. But. The issues of oligarchy and tyranny still exist, they have just taken different forms. The world is definitely not a safer place. The forces that seek to destroy us with dirty bombs and suicide attacks have an easier time planning and executing. It's a trade-off. But I have hope. I have hope that the forces of peace and democracy will spread through the world and at some point in our future, we won't have such problems. I know that's a pollyanna way of looking at the world, but I never thought the Berlin Wall would come down and that would be the beginning of the end of the Soviet system. Stranger things have happened.

I'm Back

I'm going to post a lot more in a little while. I'm back, though. Sorry for the long absence. I don't have a good excuse so I won't give you a bad one. Needless to say, there is a lot going on that I want to talk about. So I will be coming back in a bit to post. Here's a preview of some topics: the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall; the morass that has become Afghanistan policy; a couple of really good books I've read; and the holidays. I'm sure there's more but that's what I could think of off the top of my head. So I promise not to have another extended absence. I will be back later tonight with more. Thanks for checking in (for those who have been) with me. And thanks for checking to see if everything was okay (you know who you are). It's nice to know that someone notices when I'm absent.

So Much To Say

Here's your iTunes DJ for today

1. So Much To Say - Dave Matthews Band
2. Pain Lies On The Riverside - Live
3. Superstition - Stevie Ray Vaughn
4. Run To The Water - Live
5. Friday Night - G Love & Special Sauce
6. I'm Not Cryin For You - Save Ferris
7. Sweet Child O'Mine - Guns N Roses
8. The Other Side - David Grey
9. I Want More - Dexter Gordon
10. Beak Up To Make Up - Joan Osborne

I don't have the energy to talk about anything else.

The Trials of Lucy

I have a friend who calls me "Lucy" sometimes, after Lucy Ricardo. Not because Lucy was a red-head, but because crazy, embarrassing stuff always seemed to happen to her. Granted, I'm not trying to weasel my way into a show or impersonating Harpo Marx, but I do have my share of weird or unfortunate things happen.

Like the time my car broke down - almost literally - in the middle of nowhere (on State Route 41 between State Route 46 and Kettleman City, for those familiar with the area) and some little dude, who, I am convinced to this day was a serial killer, pulled off the road, popped his hood, and squatted by his right REAR tire, looking at me. Freaked out doesn't begin to cover what I am. And here's a lesson for anyone who's planning on traveling alone - don't put so much shit in your trunk that you can't get to your tire iron when there's a potential serial killer pulled in front of your broken down car and he's staring at you. Luckily, I got back into my car and locked it so he couldn't get to me. I was writing down the vitals on the van and him when he pulled away.

Or the fact that I can fall for no apparent reason. Two nights ago, I fell down the two small steps on my back stoop. One second, I was upright, the next, I was flat on my back in no small amount of pain. [I am not a wuss when it comes to pain. It takes a lot to make me cry. I have fallen off my front porch three times and not so much as sniffled.] It hurt enough to make me cry. I will give Michael credit. He didn't laugh. But I know he wanted to. And I'm fairly certain that he was laughing his ass off on the inside. I have fallen off my bike more times than I can count or care to remember.

Or the time I went to see the US Men's Volleyball team (with Karch Kiraly, Steve Timmons and Bob Ctvrtlik, to name a few) play the Soviet Union in a match in San Francisco at the Cow Palace and the ball went out of bounds and came to me. So I tried to throw it back - with my right hand (I'm left-handed) and hit the women five rows in front of me in the back of the head. Total embarrassment that I'm sure was on the bay area news that night.

There are tons of other incidents that I have either long since forgotten about or was too drunk to remember in the first place. Suffice it to say, I've had my share of weird or unfortunate things happen to me. I was thinking about all this after I fell the other night. I realize that it's funny to fall now. It won't be funny when I'm 70 (assuming, naturally, I live that long) and have osteo like my mom and fall and can't get up. But that might actually make me laugh because, for better or worse, I will always have the dippy commercial playing in my head, like it was the other night when I fell down the steps. Fortunately for me, Michael was there to pick me up. And not to get too sappy, but I hope he's there to pick me up when I'm 70 and I fall down the steps.

I don't set out to do stuff like that. It just kind of happens to me. I'm used to it now. Nothing much phases me. I figure if I fall, as long as I do it right, I'll be okay. Just don't put your hands out to brace yourself. Duck and roll and it's all good. I swear that really works. I know now not to keep so much shit in my trunk that I can't get to my tire iron to fend off potential serial killers. I know that should I ever see another volleyball game, I will hold my camera in my right hand and throw with my left. Life is full of funny little lessons.  

Afghanistan

I have stayed away from posting about the political. No particular reason except that I haven't paid that much attention. I know I should. Someone has to be the voice of reason among my family and boyfriend, lol. But I just haven't felt like dealing with the morass of health care reform. But there has been an awful lot of discussion about what to do in Afghanistan of late and I am feeling like I need to say something about what's going on.

I was pleased to see that the President is not going to decrease the number of troops there. It would have been disastrous. And I will start by saying that I would much rather no American troops would have to die, but that's not realistic. And as opposed as I was to the war in Iraq which I think was largely unjustified and illegal, I think we need to be in Afghanistan. I have thought that for a long time. Had we not invaded Iraq, we would probably not be fighting like we are in Afghanistan. But there's no use crying over spilled milk.

This may come as a shock to some who know me, but I believe we need more troops in Afghanistan. I believe that the Taliban and Al Queda are inextricably linked and that to defeat one you have to defeat both. I believe that we have an obligation (after DECADES of meddling and leaving the people to the fate of the Taliban) to build that nation. This started long before 9/11 and I think we have a tendency to only see the short-term and to forget our history.

This started when the Soviets invaded Afghanistan and the world was like a giant chess board for the Superpowers. We funded the Taliban and encouraged the growth of Islamic Fundamentalism in the Middle East either on purpose or through ignorance. Either way, we left that region in a power vacuum once the Cold War was over. Then our government has the nerve to act surprised that Al Queda had been hiding in nations like Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Somalia - all the places we relegated to the back burner because they were not geopolitically important. Now we react with confusion when we see such anti-American sentiment in the region.

The Vice-President is floating the plan of no additional troops, concentrate on defeating Al Queda and leaving the fate of the Afghan people and government to the Taliban. I think that idea is a disaster of monumental proportions waiting to happen. While the Taliban and Al Queda are two different organizations, they have a symbiotic relationship. You absolutely cannot defeat one without defeating the other. I am shocked and surprised the Vice-President would push such an ignorant idea. Aside from which, we owe the people of Afghanistan some help. We have ignored them and relegated them to life with the Taliban. They have no infrastructure, no economy (and we wonder why they raise poppies), no education, no civil society. A nation cannot exist and a government cannot function without a civil society (see Somalia). If we truly want to stop the rise of Islamic Fundamentalism throughout the world, we have to take steps to make that happen. Allow girls to be educated. Let women be teachers and doctors and lawyers and politicians. Let the rule of law reign supreme. Build a physical infrastructure and a political one. If we do not do these things, we are bound to fail. And a failure in Afghanistan will hit us at home in the form of another 9/11.

One Funeral And A Dinner

I went to a funeral for a friend today. It was a full Mass. I hadn't been to anything resembling full Mass since Andrew and I used to make the Midnight Mass rounds at Christmas time. I will preface this by saying I'm not good at funerals. I'm generally not good at anything where emotion is "required". You are expected to cry at weddings and funerals. I'm not really good with that. Most especially funerals.

This was my first funeral Mass and I have to say I hope it's my last. Not being Catholic, I don't follow or understand all the parts where you're supposed to speak up. There were hymns and readings from the Bible. I have to say that while I know Kathleen was devout, there really wasn't much of her in the service. Not until the Eulogies by her sister, brother and two of her best friends. That is when Kathleen appeared at the service. They were lovely speeches. And they got me thinking about life and death and funerals.

I was thinking about if it were my funeral, what would I have wanted. I would have played this song or that, had this reading or that. But then I realized, why the hell would I care? I'll be dead. So if I left explicit instructions as to how I wanted my funeral, that would be a bit narcissistic of me. I'll be dead. None of it will matter to me. What matters is what will help those who mourn me. Assuming, of course, that there will be those who mourn me.

Funerals are always hard. I think that we, in the West and most especially in this country, do not deal with death well. We are expected to take two or three days to grieve and be appropriately stoic with no emotional "outbursts". We are supposed to move on with our lives in a few days. But for those who are close to the person that died, that is awfully unrealistic. I doubt that Kathleen's family and friends will be done with their grief in two or three days. I know that if something ever happened to Patrick or Michael or anyone in my family, it would take me longer than a few days to recover. And it's not fair to expect a person to take three days, recover, and go on like nothing ever happened.

I would not want my funeral to be about pomp and circumstance. I would want my funeral to be...well...fun. I would want people to eat and drink and remember the happy times. I would want people to tell stories - like the time I threw the volleyball and hit some chick in the head or the time I gave myself a black eye trying to close a bay door. I would want people to remember the good things and smile and laugh. I would not want a bunch of black and sadness. I'm not saying that people wouldn't be sad or have a right to be sad. I just don't want my funeral to be a big downer. I would want people to leave feeling better, comforted. Anyway, I know this is morbid and morose. I was just thinking about all this yesterday.

After the funeral, a group of friends took dinner to another friend, whose mother just passed away. She was in Tennessee for three weeks. She took care of her mom and the memorial and the cremation and her dad and a litany of other things while being away from her husband and kids for three weeks. I felt so bad for her having to do all that and be so far away from home. (Though Tennessee is her home, too.) I just felt like she shouldn't have to worry about making dinner for her family when she had a house to clean, pets to visit and her own family to care for. So we took her dinner. It was a surprise because if I had asked her if we could do it, she probably would have said no. And it was good to see her. It was good to have dinner with this group of people who I consider among my best friends on this planet. I told my mom in the car on the way home from the funeral that I wanted to take dinner to my friend because if our situations were reversed, she would do the same for me in a heartbeat. And because I wanted to do somethingfor her. Three weeks of Facebook updates and Blackberry messages, to me, was not enough. I just wanted to let her know that we were all thinking about her.

For me, cooking is part of how I show love. I just wanted her to know that she'd been in my thoughts and if we could do something to make her time a bit easier right now, we would. My apologies for a bit of a morose post. But I have to go with what's on my mind.

Busy Weekend

After pretty much recovering from being sick, I managed to get a lot done today. For me anyway. With all those chores, I did not manage to blog much or even think of a good topic for tonight. Now, I'm just too tired to think of anything good to talk about. So I'm just going to wish you all a goodnight. I'm going to bed.

Change Is Good....Right?

I didn't wake up until 10 this morning. I feel a little bit better, but not 100%. I spent part of the morning packing up all of Patrick's old toys and I must be getting old because there was not a lick of sentimentality to it. I didn't think "Oh, look, there's Patrick Blue's Clues house that he played with for hours." It was more like "I want to box this dusty thing up so I can do something else. I did find some toys that Patrick hadn't even opened so I can give them to Felecity for Christmas. That will save me some money.

I mentioned a while ago that I had been re-arranging my life. I meant that physically and emotionally. I have cleared out my library and turned it into a bedroom for Felecity. Well, I say "I" but it's really been me and Michael. He's done a lot of the work. Most of the bookshelves are in the living room. I had to box up some books. I'm sad about that, but Felecity needs her own room. She can't keep sleeping on the sofa bed. It's good for her to have her own space. Michael and I are going to get her a bed for Christmas. She's using the mattress from Patrick's trundle right now.

At first, I was kind of reluctant to re-arrange my books. I was reluctant to box up books. But I have to say that while I wish I had a bigger house with more room, I like the book cases in the living room. I like being surrounded by my books. It didn't make the room look smaller. It makes the room look like home to me. The physical changes are the most noticeable. But they are not the ones that stay with me the most.

I am sharing my home for the first time in a long time. I haven't had to consult anyone about anything in a long time. That has been an adjustment for me. But I think it's not only necessary  but good. The population doubled at the house. That's been an adjustment for me as well. I'm one who sometimes needs alone time. It was really hard being sick this week. Being a woman (call me a stereotyper), I don't usually get to just be sick. I have to help with showers, get kids up, feed them, etc. It's a never-ending process. It makes it hard for me to get better. But aside from being sick, I have been adjusting to having more people at home. I still manage to get some alone time when I need it. Sometimes it's expected, sometimes it's a surprise. But I do get it.

Don't get me wrong, sharing my house isn't bad. It's good for me. Sharing is always good. I love coming home at night and having someone waiting for me. I like to come home after teaching to a house that isn't empty. I feel like I've found a partner in life. That's a good thing. All the change is worth it. All the adjustment is worth it. I wouldn't change it back if I could. 

For the first time in a long time, I'm happy. Really, truly happy. Things are going well and I love having people to share my life with. Change is inevitable. At least this change has been incredibly good.

Big Eyed Fish

I'm still sick. Damn cold or sinuses or whatever. Here's your iTunes DJ for today.

1. Big Eyed Fish - Dave Matthews Band
2. In My Life - The Beatles
3. I Go To Sleep - Sia
4. #34 - Dave Matthews Band
5. Folk Singer - Brendan Benson
6. Love City - Sly & The Family Stone
7. Bartender - Dave Matthews Band
8. Trouble Sleeping - Corinne Bailey Rae
9. After The Blackbird Sings - The Wallflowers
10. Down On The Street - Rage Against The Machine

The DJ must know I've been listening to a lot of Dave. Ha. Hope you all have a great weekend. It's hockey season. You'll be getting a post on that at some point. Right now, I'm going to lie down and hope my head stops hurting.

Teacher Woman

I'm sick. Whether it's a cold or allergies, I don't know. What I do know is the weather went down like 20 degrees in a day and I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like hell. My head hurts and I've been sneezing every couple minutes and blowing my nose in between. I just feel like I've been hit by a truck.

Being sick aside, my Legal Research class had their final last night. I have mixed feelings about my class. I have a hard time guaging whether I'm doing any good for my students. I don't know if that's because I'm new at teaching or if it's just me. I was a little disappointed in their final assignments. Following directions seems to be an issue. However, they mostly did really well on their final project. They did the research they were supposed to and did pretty well on their oral projects. Sometimes I wish I wasn't teaching so late at night as it affects how I do. But it's also hard to teach something like Legal Research in 11 weeks. I had a year of it in law school. So it's hard to judge how well I've done. I'm sure I'll hear from my boss, who sat in on my last class of the quarter and the survey my students did.

I love teaching but I'm not sure how good I am at it. I also realize that it's not all me. Heald is a technical college and the students are usually out of high school, so they don't have the benefit of college to learn persuasive writing. I need to take that into consideration and probably not be so hard on myself. I should probably not be so hard on myself most of the time for most things.

My next Legal Research class starts a week from Monday. It's another 8 to 10 class. I'm hoping to be able to teach earlier the next quarter. For now I will just keep going because I like to teach and it's the class I have.

I will hopefully be feeling better tomorrow and will post about something more interesting.

Weighing In

I'm not rich. I'm not famous. No one really cares too much about what I think about anything. For some reason, our culture values what celebrities have to say about a lot of things that do not deal with their area of expertise. Sometimes I agree with what they say. Most of the time, however, I couldn't give a crap what Rob Reiner or Susan Sarandon thinks about anything. But I figure since they use their celebrity to weigh in on all sorts of issues, I would use my blog with its three loyal readers, to weigh in on a subject they have no trouble talking about.

Roman Polanski.

He was arrested in Switzerland this week. On a very old warrant. You see, in 1977, Roman Polanski raped and sodomized a 13 year old girl at Jack Nicholson's house. There is a piece in today's LA Times that talks about the Grand Jury testimony the victim gave at the time. She has since said that she forgives him and wants it all to be over as it feels like they both got a life sentence. Originally, Polanski accepted a plea that would have put him in Chico State Prison for 90 days for a mental health evaluation. He had already served 42 days in jail. There were indications from the judge that he was not going to honor the sentencing request in the plea agreement and was going to sentence Polanski to substantially more time in prison. So Polanski fled the U.S., never to return. He has trapsed all over the world since then, made movies and even won an Oscar.

The LA District Attorney's office kind of, half-heatedly tried to have him arrested through the years. But it wasn't until this week that he was finally caught. He is fighting extradition. And many, many celebrities have come out with pleas for the government to let him go. Harvey Weinstein had the nerve to say that Polanski committed a "so-called" crime. (More on that in a minute.) Debra Winger, Whoopi Goldberg and others have asked for him to be realeased and the charges dropped. It offends and shocks me that they would act like this.

Polanski's "so-called" crime was to ply a 13 year old GIRL with alcohol and drugs. He then had oral sex with her. Then he proceeded to sodomize her because he was worried about her getting pregnant. She said, in her Grand Jury testimony, that she didn't put up much of a fight because she was afraid of him. To me, it doesn't really matter why she didn't fight. She was 13. She was a CHILD. In no way, shape or form was that legally or morally right. There is no way to justify this kind of behavior, despite Polanski's interview in 1979 in which he said that everyone "thinks about fucking little girls." Uh, not so much.

I offer to Debra Winger, Harvery Feinstein and Whoopi Goldberg that if he were Roman Polanski the roofer, they wouldn't give a shit that he was a child rapist, caught 30 years after he fled. I submit to them that if it was their 13 year old daughter he raped and sodomized they wouldn't be so cavalier about asking for his release.

They say he did his time. Uh no. 42 days for rape? I don't think so. Even 90 days wouldn't have been enough. I know he's a holocaust survivor and his wife was brutally murdered by Charles Manson's gang when she was 8 months pregnant. And maybe those are mitigating factors. But not so much to me. I don't care how many Oscars he wins or how many people think he's a genius. He's a child rapist. He should serve time for what he did. End of story.

Banned Book Week

This week is one of my favorite weeks of the year. No, it's not because it's finally fall. It's not because the weather is finally cooling down. It's Banned Book Week. The American Library Association puts on the event every year to celebrate our freedom to read and to make people aware that even in a nation that Constitutionally guarantees ones right to free speech, there are people who seek to ban creative works. Personally, I am one of those people who, if told a book is banned, I want to read it even more. Every year the ALA publishes a list of the books that are most challenged. This year, they published a list of banned and/or challenged books from the Radcliffe Publishing list of the 100 Top Novels of the 20th Century. Here are the books on that list that have been challenged and/or banned.

• The Great Gatsby - F. Scott Fitzgerald
• The Catcher In The Rye - J.D. Salinger
• The Grapes Of Wrath - John Steinbeck
• To Kill A Mockingbird - Harper Lee
• The Color Purple - Alice Walker
• Ulysses - James Joyce
• Beloved - Toni Morrison
• The Lord Of The Flies - William Golding
• 1984 - George Orwell
• Lolita - Vladimir Nabokov
• Of Mice And Men - John Steinbeck
• Catch-22 - Joseph Heller
• Brave New World - Aldous Huxley
• The Sun Also Rises - Ernest Hemingway
• As I Lay Dying -William Faulkner
• A Farewell To Arms - Ernest Hemingway
• Heart Of Darkness - Joseph Conrad
• Their Eyes Were Watching God - Zora Neale Hurston
• Invisible Man - Ralph Ellison
• Song Of Solomon - Toni Morrison
• Gone With The Wind - Margaret Mitchell
• Native Son - Richard Wright
• One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest - Ken Kesey
• Slaughterhouse Five - Kurt Vonnegut
• For Whom The Bell Tolls - Ernest Hemingway
• The Call Of The Wild - Jack London
• Go Tell It On The Mountain - James Baldwin
• All The King's Men - Robert Penn Warren
• The Lord Of The Rings - JRR Tolkien
• The Jungle - Upton Sinclair
• Lady Chatterly's Lover - DH Lawrence
• A Clockwork Orange - Anthony Burgess
• In Cold Blood - Truman Capote
• Satanic Verses - Salman Rushdie
• Sons And Lovers - DH Lawrence
• Cat's Cradle - Kurt Vonnegut
• A Separate Peace - John Knowles
• Naked Lunch - William Burroughs
• Women In Love - DH Lawrence
• The Naked And The Dead - Norman Mailer
• Tropic Of Cancer - Henry Miller
• An American Tragedy - Theodore Dreiser
• Rabbit, Run - John Updike

Books are banned and challenged all the time. Books are even burned, which I think is heresy. But the best way to combat those narrow-minded people who, instead of just not reading the books they don't like or not allowing their children to and want to regulate what we all do, is to read the books that they object to.

I have read Lolita. I did not like it and thought it was a justification for child molestation. I thought Slaughterhouse Five was nothing more than an acid trip. I thought Lord Of The Flies was stupid. But it really doesn't matter what I think about any of these books. The only thing that matters is that I live in a country where the authors are free to write them, I am free to read them, and free to express my opinion. I have no problem with people who do not want their children reading To Kill A Mockingbird because it contains the "N" word. But for them to turn around and tell me that I can't read it, well, that's an entirely different ballgame.

So, my challenge to you, my three loyal readers, is to pick up a banned and/or challenged book and read it. Make a statement. Exercise your freedom to read whatever you want to read.

Time Oh Give Me Time

I wanted to write a long post about banned book week (probably tomorrow) or about MIchael (probably never as I can't get it to come out without sounding corny) but I'm getting ready to teach my last class before the final and won't have time to write. I promise a better effort tomorrow.

Kathleen

This is my fourth year of book club. Originally, there were five of us: Kathleen, Becky, Diana, Maggie and me. We started it as an offshoot of another book club we'd been asked to join but didn't like. Our first book was The Great Gatsby - one of my all-time favorites. Members have come and gone, but Becky, Kathleen, Diana and I have been in book club since the beginning. My mom is now a member and I enjoy it very much. It has given me an opportunity to read book I otherwise wouldn't have read.

Kathleen was responsible for a large number of picks that I probably would never have read. Some of time I liked and some I hated. But even if I hated the book, I would always leave book club with an appreciation of the book. We have read very few books that we all thought were bad.

I've known Kathleen a little longer than book club. I met her through Becky when they worked at the Fresno Art Museum together. Kathleen passed away today. She was 49. It was a sudden, unexpected death. Kathleen had frail health and many health problems, but we all expected her to be at book club today to discuss her book. She had an abscess in her brain that she had surgery on. She was unable to handle it. Her kidneys failed and she passed away.

When I got the text message from Becky this morning, my first thought was about her birthday party. She was going to turn 50 this year and she had a huge party planned. I was looking forward to going. Kathleen was a great person. One of the most genuinely nice, caring people I've ever known. She was a gentle soul and so kind. Every time she went some where, she brought something back for Patrick and Dylan. She made them cookies at Christmas. She genuinely cared about people and about us.

I had noticed over the last couple of months that she seemed more frail and in worse health than usual. Last month at book club, it seemed as though she was struggling to breathe a bit. She and my mom had discussed my fathers' pace maker and his heart problems. Kathleen's were similar.

This has not been a great year for me in this respect. I've now lost six people I knew. Some better than others. Kathleen's death in particular is hard. It was hard to sit at book club today and talk about her book. She will be missed for as long as we do book club.

It's hard to lose people. It's hard to say goodbye. But I know that Kathleen would have wanted us to go on with book club today. She loved book club. It was our time to talk literature and movies and life. I know that she was looking down on us and smiling.

Back Of The Bus

I'm officially back on the iTunes DJ for my play lists. I just ran out of steam and I'm not that creative. So here's your iTunes DJ.

1. Back of the Bus - G Love
2. Joy Ride - Dave Matthews Band
3. 24 - Jem
4. Beautiful Calm Driving - Sia
5. Lightening Crashes - Live
6. When You're Smiling - Dean Martin
7. Love In The Lies - Amos Lee
8. Witness - Sarah McLachlan
9. Leave That Junk Alone - Johnny Cash
10. Dance Hall - Modest Mouse

There's your DJ. I may be back to post more later. Or not. Still working on re-arranging my house, which is some small way feels like re-arranging my life. Massive change in a small amount of time. But that change is all good and all for the best. It's just a matter of finding room and room can always be found. Is that cryptic enough for you? Ha. I'll b back later. Be good, kids.

Migraines Suck

Since I was about 19 or so, I have suffered from migraines. It has taken me 18 years to figure out what my triggers are. Migraines are not like normal headaches. Things trigger them. For some people it's food. For some people it's allergies. For me, it's one of two things - either stress or extreme fluctuations in weather. I know the second one sounds weird. But when it goes from cold to hot or hot to cold (10 degrees or more in one day), I get a migraine. I figured out the weather thing because I got a migraine when I was happy and not stressed and couldn't figure out what the trigger was. I'm very fortunate in that chocolate and wine and food in general are not triggers for me. But I got on Webmd because I was curious as to why I got one. That's how I found out about the weather. And yes, I'm fairly sure you couldn't care less that weather triggers migraines or that it's one of my triggers, but I'm suffering, so everyone else should too.

I got a migraine last night, about half way through class. It is definitely triggered by stress. I took over-the-counter meds when I got home, but it's my experience that if I don't take over-the-counter meds when I first think  I might have a migraine, they don't work. I thought, when I went to bed last night, I would sleep it off and be fine this morning. Not so much.

I left work early to sleep it off. Still not so much. I was okay until I finished dinner. I got nauseous and every little noise sounded like I was at Green Day with no ear plugs. I know that I'm at my wits' end with this headache because I blew a gasket at the kids for no real good reason except the harmonica and whining in combination with each other made me really believe that my head was going to explode. I threatened to "throw the fucking Wii away if someone didn't start listening". No, it wasn't Patrick. And believe it or not, I try not to swear like that in front of the kids. But I just couldn't take it any more. I'm not in my bedroom, the television on 4 and sounds like it's blaring at me. The computer is the only other light in the room.

Come to think of it, I had a migraine Labor Day weekend. That's not the usual pattern. The usual pattern is at least three months between. But I had the stress of the triathlon. And I have some other stress in my life right now that I am not going into her. Suffice it to say, a couple of things have caused me to have some significant stress. I'm just going to have to start training more so I can deal better with the stress. I've done nothing since last Saturday, mostly because I jacked up my hip and have been hoping it gets better with rest. I don't want to have to see a doctor.

Anyway, I know I promised some posts about some other topics. And I do want to write about them. But I don't think I can do it tonight. I've babbled enough about a topic only I care about. I'll be back with a play list tomorrow, though I may go back to the DJ as I think I've run out of steam.

I'm Back!

My laptop is back. Thank God. I can finally do my lecture notes for the two classes that are left on the computer. I can finish some forms I need to finish for some friends, and I can enjoy blogging and Facebook from home. I realized in the time my laptop was down, that I'm entirely too attached to my electronic devices. I feel somewhat better about this addiction in that I have managed to read more books this year than last year. I still make time to read and do other things. I just love me my technology.

I had a post all figured out last night. I didn't get to it as time slipped away with Patrick's football game, dinner, three kids to bathe and get homework done. So I started this post and never got back to it. I shouldn't be writing right now. I should be preparing tonight's assignment for my students, but I have faith that I'll get it done. 

I had an idea for a post but now, can't remember what it is. I have a bunch of topics swirling in my brain, but they are half-thoughts and less than half sentences. I want to talk about Obama's speech to the UN - long over due, the very disturbing plan for Afghanistan advanced by Joe Biden, the fact that I'm a de facto mom to three kids (mine included) and how I feel about that, the re-arrangement in my home and I how I feel about that, and the fact that I'm tired of listening to pundits and television and radio hosts monger hate and feed on irrational and untrue fears. But since my blog only has three readers who mostly agree with me, I'm sensing the last one is mostly useless.

Just know that I have things in the works and I promise to be more prolific now that my laptop is back and working. I'm not intentionally neglecting you, please know that. I'm just busy and trying to figure out a schedule that allows for everything I want to do.

Ruling The Roost

Not having a computer at home sucks - ass. Supposedly, UPS is delivering my adapter tomorrow morning. I cannot wait. Not just because I can blog again from home. But because I don't have to do my lecture notes for class by hand. While I don't spend nearly as much time on my computer at home as I did before I started dating, I still miss it. Something as simple as looking up information on Google. I can do it from my Blackberry, which I love. But even my Blackberry has limitations. Typing on that little keyboard gets tedious. Hence, Becky's birthday post being so short. So, by tomorrow things should be back to normal....or as normal as anything gets in my life.

I said I was going to blog about something big last week and then never got around to doing it. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk about it, I just got busy at work and not having a computer at home hampers my ability to blog. So today's the day.

Patrick has been telling everyone he knows that he's unhappy with me. He is feeling like he's not getting enough attention from me because Michael and his daughter are around so much. First, I have had...I don't know, six conversations with him about how he is the most important thing in my life and that if he didn't like Michael, I wouldn't be dating him. I have repeatedly told him that my busy schedule doesn't have that much to do with Michael. I had two jobs and trained for triathlons before I started dating him. It's just that I have less free time where it's just me and Patrick. I have told him that I will always love him but that my heart has room to love more than one person.

He tells me everything is fine. But. He's complained to my parents and to his father about it. Frankly, that pisses me off. I'm not going to tell Patrick that I'm pissed because he'll just cry over it. But it does make me mad. I know he's only 8. I know that this is the first time in his life he's had to share me with someone else. I know that it's hard for him to not be the complete center of attention any more. But I think that is also good for him. He's learning how to deal with others and how to compromise. I'm not unsympathetic to his feelings. Thought, not having been an only child, I can't empathize with him. But, I'm not giving up this relationship because he's upset that he has to share me.

I'm learning, through this relationship, that it's a balancing act. I understand where Patrick is coming from and am trying very hard to make sure that he gets the attention he needs and deserves. But he's 8. He does not rule the roost. I'm not going to let him dictate my happiness. If he did not like Michael or if Michael was mean to Patrick, that would be an entirely different story. In fact, Michael and I were talking about how important it is for your kids to like the person you date. We have both said that we would not continue in a relationship where our kids did not like our significant others. We're both lucky in that his kids like me and Patrick likes him. Since that is not the case, I'm going to stick it out with Michael. And Patrick is going to have to adjust to sharing me.

Sometimes, I feel like a very selfish person for wanting to be happy. For wanting to be in love. I feel like I'm compromising raising Patrick for it. Realistically, I know I'm not. I've been responsible about this. I have tried to balance everyone's wants and needs. Yes, sometimes Patrick will lose out on time with me. But sometimes, he chooses not to spend time with me and I'm making him accountable for that. I know that I will be a better parent to Patrick if I'm happy and balanced. I know that this relationship will set a good example for him. Michael and I rarely argue and we get along really well. We're appropriately affectionate with each other around the kids and I hope we are setting a good example of how a relationship works and how you should treat your significant other.

I know that a period of adjustment is inevitable. I know there will be some acting out. I know that Patrick's patience have been and will continue to be tested. But I think even he will come to realize that, in the end, that he will have brothers and sisters to play with and grow up with. And hopefully, when he's old enough, he'll treat his girlfriend the way Michael treats me and that his girlfriend will treat him the way I treat Michael. Until then, I will have to tolerate the adjustment period.

Becky's Birthday

Today is Becky's birthday. I blog about my friends on their birthday. And I have to admit that as this blog ages, I sometimes struggle with the birthday blogs because I don't want to feel like I'm repeating myself.

The biggest difference between this year and last is that I have trained for and completed three triathlons. I have an entirely new understanding of what it means that a year ago in June, Becky completed an Ironman. It's an amazing feat that speaks to her dedication. I now understand what it takes to do an Ironman.

I admire her dedication to her job as well. She has a hard job and sometimes it's hard emotionally. But Becky is committed to working to help others. I admire her for passing up a lucrative career in design to work for the betterment of society.

Becky is a good person and a good friend. I hope she has a fantastic birthday and a wonderful year to come.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Stuck In My Head

Today's playlist is songs that are stuck in my head. You know - those songs that you have to listen to until they make you kind of nauseous to get them out of your head. At any given time, I usually have three or four in my head. Some are there long-term, some are there for a short time. But they are all stuck there, playing in a continuous rotation in my head. Sometimes, it's annoying. Sometimes, like when I'm training, it's helpful. "Semi-Charmed Life" by Third Eye Blind got me through a couple of nasty bike rides. Whatever the case may be, here are some songs that are stuck in my head.

1. No Rest For The Wicked - Cage The Elephant
2. Sexyback - Justin Timberlake
3. Semi-Charmed Life - Third Eye Blind
4. Fake It - Seether
5. Back In Black - AC/DC
6. Rock Your Body - Justin Timberlake
7. Killing In The Name - Rage Against The Machine

Not a long list, but those are the ones in my head right now. I will probably be back later today with another post. I have some stuff on my mind. I just have to decide what I want to write about. In the mean time, I hope I haven't gotten any of these songs stuck in your head. Have a good one.

A Year To Remember

It was about this time last year that I, in a fit of alcohol-induced madness, told Becky I would do a triathlon. It was the beginning of a year of massive change in my life. I was thinking about whether I'd really changed the other day. The moment of introspection was brought on by an encounter with someone I had last week. I ran into someone I hadn't talked to in about a year. The person I ran into was involved in a chain of events that caused me a great deal of pain and was part of the reason that all the change in my life happened. At the time, I didn't really understand why I had to go through all that. I think now, I do.

A year ago, I started walking with my mom. It was painful to walk two miles and she slowed down for me. Having been athletic most of my life, it was embarrassing to me that I was so fat and out of shape. But complaining about it wouldn't do anything about it. My goal was to complete the Surf City Half Marathon in January. That didn't happen. But I started walking. I started riding a bike. All of that culminated in May when I did Wildflower. I went from sitting on the couch to doing triathlons. It's an achievement I can only take partial credit for. Team In Training gets most of the credit. Well, my amazing coaches should get the credit. For the first time in my life, I did something to give back in a substantial way. I also learned a lot about who I am.

Before I started training for the triathlon, however, I had a major falling out with someone who'd been a very close friend for a very long time. It was very painful for me. I'm not very good at dealing with emotions and this particular situation brought out a bunch of them. I don't let that many people in as far as this person was let it. So losing the friendship hurt especially bad. Gradually, I moved on. I had no choice. I had to protect myself and moving on was part of that.

If this had happened before I'd committed to doing the triathlon and met new people, I probably would have caved and went back to being friends, even though it would have been more painful and unhealthy for me to do so. Mostly because I didn't have the mental and emotional strength to let go. That's always been a problem of mine. I tended to latch on to people and not let go, even when my logical self knew it was unwise to continue with the relationship.

One of the best things that doing triathlons has done for me is made me mentally and emotionally tough. So much limitation in our lives are self-imposed. I never realized how much negative self-talk I engaged in until I started training. "I can't" popped into my head more often than not. It still does. The difference is now, I don't pay attention. I have stopped talking myself out of things. I have started to realize that doubt is normal. Stopping myself from trying is the part that was hurting me. I realize that I will probably never win my age group in a triathlon. I will probably always be slow. But I don't do it to win. I do it to challenge myself. I do it to push my limits and to learn how much I can do. I have tried replacing "I can't" with "I can" as often as I'm consciously aware of it.

Finishing two triathlons when I was feeling so bad both times showed me what I'm made of. And even though, in both cases, I kept thinking at each transition "I can't", I just kept going. Sometimes you need to stop listening to your mind. And you need to push past pain. Emotional pain, physical pain, spiritual pain. You can always push through. And what you get on the other side is the reward of being a stronger person.

Had I not done the triathlon, had I not participated with Team, had I not met new friends and a new boyfriend, the encounter with this person last week would have been so much harder than it was. But as I was talking to this person, I realized that I hadn't missed the person in a very long time. And while it was nice to see the person, the old feelings were gone. Replaced by feelings of apathy. I know that doesn't sound nice. But it is what I felt. It was a sign to me that I'd moved on. It was a sign that I had changed.

I no longer have room in my life for people who aren't nice to me. I don't have room for people who don't care about anyone but themselves. I have spent a long time clinging to people just because I've known them a long time. But I have realized over the last year that my true friends, the ones who rode me through the fallout of last year, and my new friends are different people. They are nice and kind. They care and understand how friendship is truly supposed to work.

Most important of all, I have a boyfriend who is kind. Who loves me the way I am. Who accepts that I have some odd quirks, but loves me for them. Who is sweet and caring. Who has shown me what love really is supposed to be. It's opened my eyes to so many things. Mostly it's made me so thankful that things worked out the way they did. For if the events of the last year hadn't happened the way they did, I would not have been prepared to have this relationship. And I most likely wouldn't have met him. But I can't take all the credit. One friend pushed me with a challenge to "get brave" and start dating and that is what put the wheels in motion.

So when I was looking back on the last year a few days ago, I didn't think I'd changed much. But as I took inventory of the things I'd done and the way I was feeling about my encounter with the former friend, I realized that the change has been drastic. And wholly positive. I'm happier, more confident, and stronger than I ever thought it was possible to be. And life, while challenging at times, just keeps getting better.

Not Enough Time

I have an idea for a post. Really, I do. However, my laptop is still down. The adapter decided to take a crap and my battery is dead. I have ordered a new one, but it's not going to be here for 3-5 days. So I only have my Blackberry at home. I can post from there via email, but it's a pain to type something long on my phone. I wanted to write during my lunch hour, but I wrote a 30 page letter today and that kind took the wind out of my typing sails. So I'm basically writing to tell you that I have a longer post coming. Unfortunately, it won't be until tomorrow.

I'm getting ready to leave work. Patrick has his first flag football game tonight and I want to get there in plenty of time. I promise that I will post my long one tomorrow. I'm having an issue with the kid that I need help with. In the mean time, have a good night, my three loyal readers.

"Are You The Triathlete?"

One of the guys who has an office in the building where I work asked me that this morning. I said I was, having just completed my third triathlon on Saturday. This one was at Pacific Grove. I realized the other day that I don't blog much about my training or about triathlons. I don't know why that is. Saturday was the triathlon at Pacific Grove. For assorted reasons, I had not trained much the last three weeks. So I knew going in that it was going to be a rough day.

The biggest difference between this tri and Wildflower (aside from the course at this one being flat), it that Michael and Patrick and Felecity were there to cheer me on. I have mixed feelings about being cheered on when I'm doing a triathlon. Sometimes, I get embarrassed at random strangers calling out my race number and telling me good job. But most of the time, it helps to keep me going. Patrick was dying to see me do a triathlon. I was told Pacific Grove was spectator friendly and it was.

We got there on Friday. I picked up my race packet and we went to dinner. I tried to relax and get some sleep but I had a hard time falling asleep. We rode down to Lover's Point at 6 on Saturday morning. My wave didn't start until 9 so it was a long wait. The weather was cold. The water was 57 degrees and it was drizzling. I helped my mentees with their transition areas and spent some time with the team while Marianne, Kerry Sue and I waited for our waive to start.

The Marines have a saying "Pain is weakness leaving the body". If that is true, a LOT of weakness left my body on Saturday. The swim was awful. It is a looped course so you have to swim a lap, get out of the water, run across a timing mat and get back in. I almost didn't get back in. It was freezing and I was winded and didn't feel good. I found out later that one of my teammates got sick in the water. The fire department pulled several people out and boated them in. It was the hardest swim I've ever done. My swim time was 58:39. I was expecting about a 45 minute swim. Not so much.

If Patrick and Michael and Felecity hadn't been there to see me do this triathlon, I would have quit after the swim. It was so bad, I was walking up to my bike and wondering where I was going to get the energy to ride. I took a gel, put on my leg warmers and bike gear and took off. Michael and the kids were near the start of the bike loop so I got to see them and it made me feel really good to see them. It kept me going. I rode my four loops (stopping to use the bathroom on the third loop) in 1:59:19. Not great but not too bad considering how I felt when the swim was over. The bike ride was hard because it was drizzling for part of it and my glasses kept misting over. And my legs were hurting pretty bad. My thighs were sore the whole ride.

I transitioned to the run and it hit me I had to run the loop three times. I didn't think I could do it. And really, I didn't run much. Maybe half. And that's probably really generous. Michael and the kids were right at the run out part so I saw them when I first started my run. They moved to about 150 yards or so from the finish. Each time I saw them, it made me feel better and kept me going. Patrick asked if he could run me in on the last lap. I said yes. So on my last lap, after getting a high five from Christina and encouragement from James and Becky and Phillip, I saw Patrick. He and Felecity ran me in.

I really don't know if I can describe the feelings I had running down the finish chute. My coaches and teammates were there to cheer for me. Patrick and Felecity were running next to me. Michael was at the end. I got my medal and got big hugs from Patrick and Felecity and from Michael. It meant so much to me that they were there.

Patrick got to see what I missed time with him for. He got to see what all my training was for. He got to see me ride and run. I don't think there are words for me to describe what that meant. I also owe Michael a huge thank you. He stood there with the kids for 4:48:08 (my time) and kept them in line. It was cold and drizzly and they stayed out there and supported me. I am so grateful for that.

At the time I finished, I thought it was over 5 hours. I was hurting so bad on the run, I didn't think it was possible for me to finish in under 5 hours. It felt (and still somewhat feels like) someone used my legs for pinatas. But I finished. I swam .9 miles, rode 24.8 and ran 6.2 in one day. It still amazes me to look back on it and say I did it. That something kept me going when the voice in my head said it would be wise to stop.

While I didn't fund raise this time, I did mentor six wonderful people for Team in Training. And again, it was one of the best experiences of my life. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I'm proud of my mentees and proud of myself for not quitting. Despite how I may feel about myself, I am a triathlete.

At Least I'm Home

I'm home. I finished the tri. I'm really sore and will blog about it in detail tomorrow as my laptop is down. I hope you all had a good weekend.
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Shoot Me Now

Trying to pack for a triathlon while helping Patrick with homework and entertaining Felecity is not easy. I had a long day at work, have to work part-day tomorrow and am very unprepared for this triathlon. I'm cranky and stressed. Therefore, I'm not going to say anything else right now. I'll try to post more later.