It was about this time last year that I, in a fit of alcohol-induced madness, told Becky I would do a triathlon. It was the beginning of a year of massive change in my life. I was thinking about whether I'd really changed the other day. The moment of introspection was brought on by an encounter with someone I had last week. I ran into someone I hadn't talked to in about a year. The person I ran into was involved in a chain of events that caused me a great deal of pain and was part of the reason that all the change in my life happened. At the time, I didn't really understand why I had to go through all that. I think now, I do.
A year ago, I started walking with my mom. It was painful to walk two miles and she slowed down for me. Having been athletic most of my life, it was embarrassing to me that I was so fat and out of shape. But complaining about it wouldn't do anything about it. My goal was to complete the Surf City Half Marathon in January. That didn't happen. But I started walking. I started riding a bike. All of that culminated in May when I did Wildflower. I went from sitting on the couch to doing triathlons. It's an achievement I can only take partial credit for. Team In Training gets most of the credit. Well, my amazing coaches should get the credit. For the first time in my life, I did something to give back in a substantial way. I also learned a lot about who I am.
Before I started training for the triathlon, however, I had a major falling out with someone who'd been a very close friend for a very long time. It was very painful for me. I'm not very good at dealing with emotions and this particular situation brought out a bunch of them. I don't let that many people in as far as this person was let it. So losing the friendship hurt especially bad. Gradually, I moved on. I had no choice. I had to protect myself and moving on was part of that.
If this had happened before I'd committed to doing the triathlon and met new people, I probably would have caved and went back to being friends, even though it would have been more painful and unhealthy for me to do so. Mostly because I didn't have the mental and emotional strength to let go. That's always been a problem of mine. I tended to latch on to people and not let go, even when my logical self knew it was unwise to continue with the relationship.
One of the best things that doing triathlons has done for me is made me mentally and emotionally tough. So much limitation in our lives are self-imposed. I never realized how much negative self-talk I engaged in until I started training. "I can't" popped into my head more often than not. It still does. The difference is now, I don't pay attention. I have stopped talking myself out of things. I have started to realize that doubt is normal. Stopping myself from trying is the part that was hurting me. I realize that I will probably never win my age group in a triathlon. I will probably always be slow. But I don't do it to win. I do it to challenge myself. I do it to push my limits and to learn how much I can do. I have tried replacing "I can't" with "I can" as often as I'm consciously aware of it.
Finishing two triathlons when I was feeling so bad both times showed me what I'm made of. And even though, in both cases, I kept thinking at each transition "I can't", I just kept going. Sometimes you need to stop listening to your mind. And you need to push past pain. Emotional pain, physical pain, spiritual pain. You can always push through. And what you get on the other side is the reward of being a stronger person.
Had I not done the triathlon, had I not participated with Team, had I not met new friends and a new boyfriend, the encounter with this person last week would have been so much harder than it was. But as I was talking to this person, I realized that I hadn't missed the person in a very long time. And while it was nice to see the person, the old feelings were gone. Replaced by feelings of apathy. I know that doesn't sound nice. But it is what I felt. It was a sign to me that I'd moved on. It was a sign that I had changed.
I no longer have room in my life for people who aren't nice to me. I don't have room for people who don't care about anyone but themselves. I have spent a long time clinging to people just because I've known them a long time. But I have realized over the last year that my true friends, the ones who rode me through the fallout of last year, and my new friends are different people. They are nice and kind. They care and understand how friendship is truly supposed to work.
Most important of all, I have a boyfriend who is kind. Who loves me the way I am. Who accepts that I have some odd quirks, but loves me for them. Who is sweet and caring. Who has shown me what love really is supposed to be. It's opened my eyes to so many things. Mostly it's made me so thankful that things worked out the way they did. For if the events of the last year hadn't happened the way they did, I would not have been prepared to have this relationship. And I most likely wouldn't have met him. But I can't take all the credit. One friend pushed me with a challenge to "get brave" and start dating and that is what put the wheels in motion.
So when I was looking back on the last year a few days ago, I didn't think I'd changed much. But as I took inventory of the things I'd done and the way I was feeling about my encounter with the former friend, I realized that the change has been drastic. And wholly positive. I'm happier, more confident, and stronger than I ever thought it was possible to be. And life, while challenging at times, just keeps getting better.