Under the Table and Dreaming

Goodbye And Good Riddance 2008

This is most likely the last post of 2008. And I have to say it's pretty much been a piss poor year with some pretty major exceptions. Instead of focusing on all the shitty things that have happened to me, I'm going to focus on the good things that came from this crap year.

I made new friends. And not just acquaintances. Good friends. I don't let a lot of people into my inner circle. The list is small. This year it got a little bigger and I'm so much the better for it. I have made some new friends who are good, positive people. They have changed my outlook on a lot of things in life. I am a better person for knowing them.

I decided to do a triathlon. It has forced me to get off the couch and get into shape. I'm a long way from being in shape. But I'm also a long way from where I was when I started. I have lost weight and am eating better. I'm setting a better example for my son. Most importantly, I feel better about being me. That's a good, good thing. And while I know that it doesn't really matter what my time is when I do the tri, it matters to me. I have set goals for the first time in a long time and it feel really good. Especially when I meet one of them, like fitting into jeans I haven't worn in more than a year. This is going to be really good for me. And I'm thankful I finally had the courage to tell Becky I would do it.

I took the initiative and put my foot in the door. And I start teaching in January. One class. But I'm excited about it. Civil Litigation 2. It's never been taught before so I can't really screw it up. Ha. I think I'm going to love it and I think I'm going to be good at it. And it may lead to bigger and better things. I'm really happy about this opportunity.

I got to spend 4 days in San Francisco with one of my best-o friends, seeing Dave, eating, book shopping, and soaking up the City. It was the best vacation I've had in years. One that I needed. And I'm so incredibly glad I shared it with Becky.

I got a tattoo. Seriously, I never thought I would do that. I always said never. But I've learned in life to not say that any more. Not only did I keep my word to Becky, I love it. I'm glad I got it. It has meaning for me. And it's really cool. And I'm glad I got to share the experience with people I care about. It was awesome.

For the first time in my life, I donated to a political campaign. For the first time in my life, I actually began to think that I could make a difference by participating. And for the first time in my life, my vote was truly historic. For the first time in 8 years, I think there's hope, despite the massive amount of trouble in the world. I don't usually buy into fate and destiny, but I think with Barack Obama, it's exactly that.

So there is my attempt at putting lipstick on the pig that was this year. As 2008 fades and 2009 looms on the horizon, I can only say that I have no where to go but up in every aspect of my life. And while one could look at that thought as depressing, I actually see it as uplifting. Things cannot get worse. They can only get better. I feel good about what's to come and that never happens for me.

Whatever you do tonight, please be safe and sane. Sober is optional, as long as you're not driving. I hope you all have a great New Year. Thank you all for going along on this ride with me.

2008 Book Report

Disclaimer: I'm a nerd. This will only serve to prove that further. I keep a list of the books I read every year. Mostly because I read a book once in which the author attempted to read a book a week. So my goal is 52. I have never come close. 25 is the most I've done and I didn't hit that this year. I read less. And I read longer, more complicated books. The Great War For Civilisation took me about six months to read. It was 1041 pages. I read enough this year to give you a top ten list. So without further preamble, here's my favorite books from this year:

10. Water For Elephants by Sara Gruen. It's the story of a vet student who ends up working in a circus during the depression. The story is told in the present and the past. The author does a wonderful job of writing from the voice of an old man. The way she writes the elderly man is amazing. It was a book club book and was surprisingly good.

9. One Minute To Midnight - by Michael Dobbs. A re-telling of the Cuban Missile Crisis, focusing on Black Saturday, the day we came closest to nuclear annihilation. This was a fantastic book. I was on a non-fiction kick this year. If you are at all interested in the Cuban Missile Crisis, this is a really good book to read. 13 Days by Robert Kennedy is also a good overview of the crisis.

8. The Kite Runner - by Khalid Hosseni. Another wonderful book club pick. An amazing book. It's about two boy growing up in Afghanistan pre and post-Soviet invasion. The book is multi-layered and covers many themes. The main character is not likable at first. But redemption is one of the themes. I don't want to give anything away. The book is really good.

7. The Year Of Living Biblically - by A.J. Jacobs. See yesterday's post for the complete discussion of this book. I'm now reading The Know-It-All about his quest to read Encyclopedia Britannica from A to Z. Probably will be as funny.

6. My War - by Colby Buzzell. A book I also blogged about. An on the ground soldier's account of the war in Iraq. A really good book.

5. Eat, Pray, Love - by Elizabeth Gilbert. Another much blogged about book. I loved this book. It rocked my world. I would love to go on the journey she went on. The book is important to me and we had quite the discussion about it during book club. If you haven't read it, read it. It's worth the time.

4. The Final Salute - by Jim Sheeler. I love this book. It follows a Marine Corps officer who notifies families of their loved one's death. It's sad and uplifting and moving and really hard to read. I think I'm a different person for having read it. I think if more people read this book they have a truer understanding of the way in Iraq and the true cost of the war.

3. Three Cups Of Tea - by Greg Mortensen. Katrina recommended this book. I'd picked it up in the bookstore several times and never bought it. I'm glad I finally did. It's an amazing book. And it proves that one man can make a huge difference in the world and that education is the key to ending extreme poverty and religious extremism.

2. The Forever War - by Dexter Filkins. Filkins is the New York Times Foreign Correspondent who has covered the Middle East for years. His book starts in Afghanistan at the height of the Taliban and moves to the war in Iraq. It's an amazing and moving book. Even the acknowledgments got to me.

1. The Great War For Civilisation - by Robert Fisk. My seven month odyssey. The book that gave me a larger understanding of the Middle East. I cannot say enough how much this book means to me. I think everyone should read it if they truly want to understand the labyrinth that is the Middle East. Fisk knows his stuff. Images from his book still stay with me. Heads on pikes in Algeria. The arms show in United Arab Emirates. The vast wasteland that is the border between Iran and Iraq. The author meeting Osama bin Laden in a cave in Afghanistan.

There's your recap of the ten best books I read this year. Hopefully, next year, the list will be longer. I may not have read quantity this year, but I definitely read quality. Tomorrow's New Year's Eve. I have a party to go to so I will not be home alone - always a good thing. I had better start feeling better or I'm going to be pissed. This cold has GOT TO GO. Have a good day.

The Year Of Living BIblically

I just finished The Year Of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs. He's an editor and contributor to Esquire magazine. He's one of the funniest writers I've ever come across. One of my friends told me not too long ago that he was reading the Year Of Living Biblically and when I saw it in the bookstore, I realized it was by A.J. Jacobs.

He is a secular Jew who decided to live the Bible as literally as possible for a year. The book is laugh out loud funny in a lot of places. His view of God and religion is pretty close to my own, so I found his journey insightful and interesting. He first realizes that these are thousands of rules in the Bible to be followed. He decides that it's not possible to follow all these rules, but he tries. He eats the way the Bible says to eat. He grows a beard, wears all white, etc. He has trouble with lying and coveting and lusting.

I have been thinking a lot lately about religion and spirituality and the existence (or not) of God. So this book was timely for me. I have never read the entire Bible from beginning to end. Probably like most people, I'm familiar with the parts of the Bible that you learn in Sunday school. The Year Of Living Biblically discusses parts of the Bible that I was unaware of. It gave me new insight. It has done nothing to change my mind, as I don't think anything really will.

But. Over the course of the year he lived the Bible, A.J. Jacobs found it easier to give thanks for the things in his life. He had moments of peace. He had moments of joy. I wonder if I were to try something far less extreme than he did, like, for example, giving thanks for that which I have, if I would feel better about things instead of worse. I think there's a lot to be said for your mental state being affected by religious faith and positive thoughts. I do no know if I have it in me to make a leap of faith. But I do have it in me to try to think more positively about my life.

I am not proud of being fired three times in a year. But I think none of the those jobs were right for me. I believe the right job will come along. I got a lead on e a job from a friend. I'm going to get my resume and cover letter faxed today. I'm not happy with my current situation, but I have to stop thinking negatively. It's a self-perpetuating cycle. So the positive in this is that unemployment is going to pay me $50 less a week than my last job. And I don't have stress of working at that place. That's a good thing.

Believe it or not, reading The Year Of Living Biblically has helped put things in perspective for me. It's not going to me make attend church or take a leap of faith. But it has helped me realize that while things are bad right now, I have a lot in my life. I have so many things to be thankful for. I have a happy, healthy, smart child. I have a supportive family. I have the best friends anyone could ask for. I have a home. I have a life. Sometimes it feels small and inconsequential. But sometimes it feel full and promising.

I seem to say a lot that the books I read have an effect on me. I think it's what I choose to read. But this book, like so many others I have read recently, did have an effect on me. I recommend it. I think you'll like it.

I'm going to spend the waning days of this year talking about my favorite things. Books, CDs, Movies, ets. If you have any suggestions, let me know.

Keeping My Promise

Back in June, my friends, Becky and Phillip, competed in the IronMan Triathlon in Idaho. Before the triathlon, Becky called me and said she didn't think she was ready and didn't think she could do it. She had planned to get a tattoo after the tri because it's a big deal to complete an IronMan. In an effort to support her, I told her that I would get a tattoo with her if she finished the tri. I got a phone call from her on mile 10 of the marathon, wondering why she had done it and she didn't' think she could finish. I told her she was three-quarters done and just keep going. I watched her cross the finish line via the internet. It was an awe-inspiring moment. Then it dawned on me - I'd have to get a tattoo. I never really wanted one. But I told her I would do it and I wasn't about to go back on my word after what she'd just done.

Last night was the night. I made dinner and we had some friends over. We went to La Luna Loca in the Tower district and got our tattoos. Curtis did Becky's tattoo and Nate did mine. Curtis was going to do mine, but someone canceled on Nate, so I had him do mine. They both did fantastic work. And even though I'd been coughing up a lung all day, I managed to lie still and not cough while Nate was working on me. The cough syrup with codeine and the alcohol may have helped that.

I always thought getting a tattoo would hurt really bad. Even after I had Patrick without drugs, I thought a tattoo would hurt really bad. It hurt. Some parts hurt more than others. But it was not too bad. Like a bee sting, kind of. I probably won't ever get another one, but I'm happy with what I got. It has meaning to me and that's all that really matters. And Nate did a fantastic job. The coloring is perfect. It's even better than I'd imagined. So without further ado, I will post pictures of my tattoo and Becky's. The lettering around Becky's says, "...and miles to go before I sleep". It's hard to read on the photo, but it's really clear on the tattoo.

A note about the new video: I discovered Jamie Lidell on iTunes. I hope you like that song. I really dig his music. I hope you like and it find more of his music.

Post-Christmas Shuffle

Here is your iTunes shuffle for this day after Christmas.

1. How About You? - Stan Getz
2. Soul Shakedown Party - Bob Marley
3. Hang On To Your Love - Sade
4. Confusion - New Order
5. Lyin' Eyes - The Eagles
6. Wait For Me - Frank Sinatra
7. Tripping Billies - Dave Matthews Band
8. Loose Booty - Sly & The Family Stone
9. Get Busy- Sean Paul
10. All Along The Watchtower - Dave Matthews Band

Day time television sucks. Bad. But I have seen some really fascinating commercials for some really bad products. I'm going to share a few of them with you.

• The thing (whose name I can't remember) that is like a thigh master for boobs. It's supposed to strengthen the muscles under the boobs and lift them and make them bigger. Uh.....yeah. Pass on that one.
• The Snuggie - the blanket with arms. It basically looks like a robe a monk would wear. The fact that it came with a book light almost made it an impulse buy.
• The Shamwow. The second most annoying commercial guy behind the OxyClean guy hawks a giant shammy that sucks up like 100 times its weight in water.
• The little comb thing that makes you have big hair from big happie hair company. For $19.95, you get this little plastic comb that makes you look like you have a bouffant. Because that hair style is as appealing now as it was in the 50s. Seriously.

I want to know who buys this crap. Obviously people are buying it or we wouldn't see the commercials for it. But I just don't get who would buy this stuff. It's beyond my comprehension that someone would watch the commercial for the boob thing and think, I can have bigger boobs without surgery. Totally beyond me. That's all I have for now.

Motives For Actions

I spent part of Christmas Eve having dinner at the home of friends of my family. These are the same friends whose son got married not too long ago and that I blogged about. I was in the living room with the wife, looking at their Christmas tree and decorations and talking about the holidays. Her husband came into the room and kept looking at me. I ignored it.

Then he said to me, "Who's the guy?" I wasn't sure what he was talking about. So I said, "What guy?" And he said, "You look good. You've lost weight. Obviously there's a guy in the picture that you're seeing. Who is he?" I said "There's no guy." He said "If you keep going you're going to end up half your size. You sure there's no guy?" I said, "The plan is to end up half my size. And no, there's no guy."

That little exchange was repeated by him to the rest of the guests a little while later. My mother made the comment that I was doing all this training for myself and it could be for myself and not about a guy. The more I thought about it, the more offended I got. The idea that I would do what I'm doing for a man is offensive to me. It hits a nerve in me.

I'll be back later with the Shuffle for today.
I was accused, not too long ago, of destroying myself for a guy. Or over a guy. I can't say it wasn't true. It took someone getting in my face over it to get me to stop. So I'm not pure when it comes to doing things because of a male influence.

However, in this case, that's not what I'm doing. There's no man in my life. This sudden desire to train for a triathlon comes from inside me. I simply had enough of being a couch potato and getting fat and being unhealthy. I made the decision to do this for me. I think part of the reason I was so offended by the suggestion is that the implication was that I would have let myself go until I weighed a ton but a man would be motivation for me to change. I'm not saying that if you're motivated to be healthier at the suggestion of a lover or boyfriend or just a friend that it's necessarily a bad thing. I'm just saying that it doesn't have to be the ONLY thing that would motivate someone to change. I believe in having a support system. I do not believe in doing anything just because someone else would think a certain way about me. Whether I weigh what I weigh now or what I weighed in high school, I still am who I am.

I want to take care of myself physically so I can be active and healthy and set a good example for my child. But all the physical changes, while definitely welcome, won't do anything to change my mind or my soul. Except that the exercise may help to alter my mental state and help me deal with stress and relax. But the core of who I am is not going to change because I lose weight. But I suppose in a society that is so driven by youth and thin and physical, it's inevitable that the focus would be on the physical. I just don't care for that. I'm just not wired that way, I guess.

I have been thinking about that conversation for a couple of days, thinking I was just being sensitive. I don't take compliments well. I never have. And I don't like the implication that my motive for this was at the suggestion of a man.

Bittersweet Christmas

To all my loyal readers, I wish you a Merry Christmas. And thank you for reading my rantings. I appreciate it. Today was kind of bittersweet for me. Patrick was so very excited about his gifts from Santa and was truly impressed when I made his remote control car do donuts. He got everything he wanted. My dad got him a Brady Quinn jersey and he was totally excited about that. And a Cleveland Browns uniform, complete with helmet. The present ration was about 4 to 1, so he made out like a bandit.

I got my Blackberry, but cannot get it to work. I have to take it to T-Mobile tomorrow and let them show me what I'm doing wrong. Given how things have gone for me lately, it's not surprising that I would have trouble. Ine, my parents' exchange student, got me Stewie slippers. They are so freakin' sweet. And they keep my feet warm. My parents got me some running clothes, two cookbooks, a set of knives (I sense a theme), and two movies. I never expected that much, so I'm happy.

I managed to watch A Christmas Story 4 times. I so love that movie. One of my all-time favorite movies. Dinner was lovely. My mother hates to cook, but she does really well with the traditional Christmas dinner at our house.

Patrick's grandmother picked him up this afternoon, while I was sleeping on my parents' couch. And this is the bittersweet part of my day. Let me back up a bit.....Patrick's dad never liked Christmas. When we were together, it was like pulling teeth to get him to participate. When Patrick was born, I was adamant that I wanted him on Christmas and Kevin could do Christmas with him on New Year's. That plan worked well. Patrick's Nana asked me if she could pick him up on Christmas Day this year. I hesitated. I'm used to having him on Christmas. And even though I feel truly awful, I really wanted him home with me. Especially this year because it's been so bad. But I let him go. I try really hard not to use him against his father or his father's family. I could have said no, but didn't. I miss him right now. The house is really quiet.

This is the second year in a row I've been unemployed at Christmas. I have to admit that it's really hard to be positive and happy when I'm looking at no money and no job. It's disheartening. I'm trying not to focus on it.

I hope you all had a Merry Christmas and a good holiday. I hope that you ate and opened presents and celebrated the day in whatever you do. Have a nice evening.

The Eve Before Christmas

As you all know, I'm not a religious person. I never have been. But, I had enough religious indoctrination as a child to understand the basics. Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday. But I love Christmas. I talked about my favorite parts of Christmas a while ago. I'm going to talk about Christmas Eve today.

When I was younger and my grandparents were still alive, we would go over to their house on Christmas Eve. My grandfather loved to cook and was very good at it. We would have shrimp bisque, prime rib, popovers, green beans, and something for dessert. We never opened presents on Christmas Eve. My family is traditional and that was strictly forbidden. That doesn't mean that my brother and I didn't try to get a present on Christmas Eve, but we were never successful.

After my grandfather passed away, Christmas Eve moved to my parents' house. Dinner was scaled back to shrimp bisque and salad. But it's a nice time. We still don't get gifts on Christmas eve, but my parents, in a move that is still astounding to me, let the grandkids open a gift of Christmas Eve. I know everyone has their own traditions and I'm not judging anyone else, but I find it funny that for all the years I was growing up, there were no Christmas Eve presents. Now it's okay because they have grandkids? I find that funny.

Some years we have dinner with friends of my parents. It's not what I prefer, but I usually go along. Patrick is usually fine with going over to their house for dinner. This year he expressed some reservations about it. We'll see. Since I'm sick, I may not go any where.

Tradition, to me, is what you make with your family and friends. I notice as I get older, that I like certain traditions. Christmas Eve is one of them. It's one of those days that is not ruled by expectations of presents and things. It's not ruled by turkey and stuffing. I'm all about the traditions you can make on your own.

After dinner, Patrick and I will come back here, watch A Christmas Story and he will go to bed. I will finish up what I need to do and probably read. It will be quiet in the house and in the neighborhood. Sometimes, I go outside, especially if it's foggy, and look at all the neighbors' lights. I like Christmas Eve because it's peaceful and quiet. It's not about presents and commercialism. For me, it's not about religion, though. It's about family.

I hope that whatever your holiday traditions are, you have a happy and safe Christmas. Be happy and have a great Christmas. I will post tomorrow. I'm just not sure when.

Adding Insult To Injury

Here's my list of things that have added insult to the injury of getting fired:

• My soon-to-be-former bank, Citibank, held half my paycheck last week because I deposited through the ATM. They are refusing to release my funds. Supposedly they are going to be released tomorrow, then I'm going to withdraw said funds and take my business elsewhere. I have never dealt with such horrid, unreasonable people in my life. Five phone calls and people giving me different stories and no one willing to help. DO NOT use Citibank. Ever.
• My former boss did not sign my last paycheck and I didn't realize it until I went to deposit it. So I had to go back to the hell hole this morning and get it signed.
• I started coughing earlier. Now my throat is starting to hurt and my nose is running. It looks like I'm getting a cold. Just in time for Christmas. I'm going to take some NyQuil and go to bed. Hopefully, I'll sleep a long time and feel better in the morning. It could just be all the crying I've been doing, but I don't think so. I am not getting sick.
• People are incredibly rude and no one seems to be filled with any type of Christmas spirit. With the exception of the very kind (and tall) gentleman at Save Mart who reached up on the top shelf in the pasta aisle and got two boxes of no boil lasagna noodles down for me. I think he saw me trying to balance on my cart to reach them and figured that was a Three Stooges skit waiting to happen. And the two African-American men who were driving in the parking lot at Save Mart and stopped me because I was wearing my Bears shirt. The one guy was a Bears fan. He told his friend to look at my shirt. His friend was a Cowboys fan. So the Bears fan said, "I'm rolling with bad luck" which is now my new favorite phrase. I also impressed by him by saying that it's never luck when Robbie Gould is on your team. That was fun. 

On an entirely different note, thanks to Becky for hanging with me today. I know it didn't go as planned, but I enjoyed your company.

I will be back to post tomorrow night. I'm going to try really hard to feel some Christmas spirit and lift mine a bit so I can have some kind of good holiday.

Da' Bears, The Packers & The Playoffs

The Bears v Packers game was on Monday night football. In their fist meeting of the season, the Bears got trounced 37-3. You never want to see your team lose that badly. But this rivalry goes back to the beginning of the NFL so it was particularly insulting. As you all know, my grandfather played for the Bears from 1940 to 1942, before he went into the Navy during WWII. So naturally, he hated the Packers. And Vikings. And Lions.

The Bears needed 4 teams to lose this weekend to keep their playoff hopes alive. All 4 teams lost. (Don't ask me which ones, I don't know.) But they also had to beat Green Bay tonight. The game was played at Soldier Field. Despite popular belief, the Bears didn't start playing in Soldier Field until 1971. From their inception in the 1920s to 1971, they played at Wrigley Field. But I digress.

The biggest problem(s) with the Bears this season is the offense. Specifically, their lack of a decent quarterback. Rex Grossman has been a disappointment to say the very least. And Kyle Orton was never meant to be a starter. And Orton needs to shave the porn star mustache. It annoys me to no end. Our quarterbacks suck ass to say the least. When the Bears played the Vikings a couple of weeks ago, Al Michaels jinxed Orton by saying he'd gone 185 passes without throwing an interception. He threw three that game. He threw at least one tonight. First rule of quarterbacking - throw to the guys wearing the same uniform you are. It's not that hard.

The unmitigated hero of tonight's game was Alex Brown, defensive lineman, number 96. Brown had an interception. But more importantly, in the waning seconds of regulation, he got his big hand up high enough in the air to block a field goal attempt by Green Bay which would have won the game and dashed the Bears' playoff hopes. And broken my heart, I might add. My two favorite plays in football - interceptions and blocked kicks. Mostly because they are hard to do. Brian Urlacher is my second hero of the game. And not just because I have his jersey. He tipped a field goal attempt and during the coin toss before overtime the ref flipped it and it took a Bears bounce off Urlacher's helmet. The Bears won the toss and the game with a field goal by Robbie Gould, one of the best kickers in the NFL.

My unsung hero of the game is Brad Maynard, the Bears punter. At least three times, he nailed punts that pinned Green Bay deep in their territory. He is a master at kicking the ball to the three or four yard line.

So now that the Bears have won, they have to win against the Texans on Sunday. The Giants need to beat the Vikings and the Buccaneers need to lose. I don't completely understand how all the playoff stuff works and I don't' really want to try to wrap my brain around it. I'll just believe what Chris Berman tells me needs to happen.

Despite having such a horrid day today, it was good to watch the game. And it was especially touching and amusing to hear my son squeal and jump for joy when Alex Brown blocked the field goal. that brought a huge smile to my face.

I know most of you are not football fans. But I don't talk about football very often and I felt like it because I can't sleep and needed something to do. So thanks for reading.