In The Midnight Hour*

I'm not sleepy. I took a hot shower and it didn't make me sleepy. It had the opposite effect. And it made me cough. My cold is lingering, damn thing. Anyway, since I can't sleep, I thought I'd write since sleep is slow in coming tonight. I have a couple of things on my mind anyway.

I feel emotion many times through music. Some songs have a very personal meaning to me and I have a connection to. When I did my 30 Days, 30 Songs experiment, I talked about "No One Is To Blame" by Howard Jones. Every time I hear that song, my heart aches. When I hear "Pour Some Sugar On Me", I think of a drunken night in high school when I professed my love for that song. "Train In Vain" by the Clash (which by now, you all know is the most perfect 3 minutes ever recorded) will forever make me think of Andrew. You get the picture. I associate people with songs a lot. Some songs are ruined by that. For a very long time, I could not listen to Sade because of the person the songs reminded me of. I have been able to let that go, but it took years. I have been very careful not to give Dave Matthews songs to anyone. They just mean too much to me. But I do feel a lot through music.

Quite a while ago, Becky told me that I had a song. She told me that "Desperado" by the Eagles is my song. She said it reminds her of me. I was flattered that a song would make her think of me. Andrew recently told me that when he hears Dave Matthews he thinks of me, but that's not a stretch. Probably everyone who knows me well hears Dave and thinks of me. Maybe I'm being egotistical. A bit. But I digress. I listened to the words of "Desperado" closely. And it's a pretty sad song. I have to say it made me sad that it reminded Becky of me. Not that there isn't a grain of me running through the words, but it still made me sad. "You better let somebody love you before it's too late" isn't a happy thought. Anyway, I've been thinking long and hard about it since she told me that.

Not too long ago, I sent an email to a friend, basically feeling sorry for myself and my current situation. The friend responded with some words that were kind of heard to read, but true nonetheless. My friend made the point that I tend to beat up on myself. I tend to blame myself for all the bad that is in my life even if the bad thing wasn't my fault. And the friend was absolutely right.

I have been thinking about these two things for the past few days. I have a tendency to pile things on when I'm down.Here's an example for you. I got fired. For the third time in a year. So I immediately think I'm a failure. I can't hold a job. Then I think if I would have listened to my professor at Fresno State, I would have a PhD in Political Science and teaching at a university and my life would be better. Then I think that if I could have passed the bar exam, I would have been a lawyer by now and not looking for yet another paralegal job. Then I think that I will lose my house and have to move in with my parents and if I were better with money, this wouldn't be the case. Then I think about the example I'm setting for my kid. Then I think about his dad not giving me any help and why I pick such bad men........ You get the point. My mind spins and spins. This paragraph took me about three minutes to type. And it's just the beginning. I'll keep thinking on it until it drags me under. That's how easy it is for me.

I think I'm a pessimist by nature. I just tend to look at the bad side of things instead of finding a silver lining. It takes a lot of conscious effort on my part (and ass-kicking by my friends) for me to stop the downward spiral that seems to happen for me so easily. I have been trying to figure out why I am this way. The only thing I have come up with so far is that it comes back to the fact that my father was so hard on me all the time. And still is. That I just tend to see myself in a negative light, though that is changing ever so slowly. I've noticed that the changes in myself I am seeking are slow in coming. Change that I don't want hits me like a tidal wave. One of life's little ironies, I suppose.

So I'm trying not to send myself into a black hole of despair over the fact that I have not received a response to the resumes I've sent out. Or that I'm broke. Or that I have no idea what I'm going to do. Because in the end, I'll survive. Of course, if it's true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, then I should be as strong as Hercules by now. I don't see that strength, but others do. And I take their word for it. Because when it comes to me, most of the time, I can't see the forest for the trees.

I blogged about goals a few days ago. I have another goal to add to the list. I'm going to try as hard as I can to be kinder to myself and to cut myself some slack. That is the Mount Everest of goals for me. But I'm going to try. I'm sure I'll have good days and bad days, but hopefully the good will outnumber the bad in the end.

I'm still not close to sleeping, but think I've written enough for now. Bear with me. I'm trying to be the change I want to see in the world and it's really hard work.

(*title courtesy of Wilson Pickett)

Comments

[Becky]

Don't be too down about the song. Yes, it does remind me of you a lot, but keep in mind that it also contains the lyrics, "It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you." : ) I thought of that for you too.

And I am going to hold you to that new goal. It is a hard one for you, I know, but I am glad to see it in writing. I know I sicken you with my glass half full talk, but I am going to keep doing it.