Under the Table and Dreaming

At A Loss

I'm at a loss for a topic today. I rode 16 miles, but my coach's idea of flat and mine are vastly different. My knee is stiff right now and I'm so tired, I just want a nap. It's making me cranky. I don't know if I'll get un-cranky (maybe after some beer) and I don't know if something will strike me to write about. But if it does, I'll be back. I'm off to watch the Wings beat Nashville.

Progress Report

For those of you who have Facebook and have been keeping up with my training notes, some of this is going to be familiar and feel free to skip this post. For everyone else, I thought I'd update my training for the triathlon.

I have been going at this six days a week. Thursday and Friday are train on your own and I usually run on Thursday nights and either bike or run on Friday, though I need to start swimming. Well, I was going at it six days a week until I hurt my knee. I swam Tuesday night. My knee hurt so bad it made me cry. But Wednesday, it felt good. No pain. Just stiff. Then I walked Wednesday night with Sheri, who by the way, is one of the funniest people I've ever met. We went about 3 miles and I hurt bad on Thursday. I over-did on Wednesday night. But that is my habit. To think I'm better and go back to it harder than I should. So now, I'm paying for my stubbornness. I didn't do anything last night. Tonight after work, I rode. It felt so good to be back on the bike. So good. I love the bike. It's my favorite thing.

I rode roughly ten miles. I ran out of daylight and my knee was starting to get sore. But, I did ride flat, like the physical therapist told me. It wasn't just being on the bike that was a good thing. I managed to ride 18 miles per hour. And 15 into the wind. When I started this, I could ride 14 on the flats and 12 into the wind. I didn't realize how much I'd improved until today. When I train, I feel like Cameron in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. He is sucked into Seurat's Sunday Afternoon until all he sees are the little dots of paint on the canvas. Each time I run or bike or swim, it's a dot. Today, the ride showed me what the picture looks like. Despite my constantly being last in everything, I am improving. That alone makes this worthwhile. One of my mottoes this year is Baby Steps. The baby steps are turning into bigger steps.

I was feeling depressed and sad this week. I don't do well with set-backs. I don't handle injuries. I want to be doing everything 100%. But I'm smart enough to realize that I need to do what the physical therapist says and I need to take it easy so I don't work myself into not doing this tri at all. Today's ride did wonders for my mental state. The work is starting to pay off. I'm seeing a tangible result to all this. For that, I'm grateful and happy. I can't wait to see what will happen when my knee doesn't hurt.

Get Up, Stand Up

I'm tired of trying to come up with creative ways to name my shuffle posts on Friday. So from now on, the title will be the first song on the shuffle. Problem solved. So here you go:

1. Get Up, Stand Up - Bob Marley

2. More -Harry Connick, Jr.

3. Jump With Me Baby - Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

4. About You - Preston Reed

5. Louisiana Bayou - Dave Matthews Band

6. Unglued - Stone Temple Pilots

7. Love Is (What I Say) - INXS

8. Source Of Infection - Van Halen

9. That's Life - Frank Sinatra

10. Dr. D - The Mighty, Mighty Bosstones

There you have it. Your iTunes Shuffle for today. I'm going to try to squeeze in a 10 mile ride after work. We'll see if that happens. I don't really have much else for now. I may be back to post later, if something happens. Have a good Friday.

Hope Is Not A Four Letter Word

We so easily take things for granted. We often get to wrapped up in our own existence and our own problems that we forget there are people who have things so much worse than we do. I am especially guilty of this. Part of the reason I made a commitment to think more positively this year is that I was spending too much time worry about all the things I perceived my life was lacking and not dwelling on all the truly good and wonderful things in my life.

Several people have commented to me in the last few weeks how much they admire me for having the perseverance and strength to hang in when things are rough. I look at it as having no choice and I don't really think I'm that strong. It's more a matter of being stubborn, probably. But I have a high bar for looking at strength. And I have a high bar for what I consider rough. I think most of us have it really easy. We sit in out homes made out of wood and stucco and having real roofs. We are protected from sun, rain, and wind. We have couches and chairs and tables and rugs and floors that are not dirt. We have electricity, indoor plumbing and fresh, bountiful food. We have cars and jobs and clothes and live in relative security. There are so many people in the world who have none of that.

Sudan has been in the midst of a civil war for fifteen years. The Arab government is fighting tribal rebels. The majority of this fighting has occurred in the Darfur region which is in the western corner of Sudan. The Government of Sudan, led by President Hassan al-Bashir, has condoned and encouraged the genocide in Darfur. He has hindered aid workers from doing their jobs. And he has done this with the rest of the world pretty much turning a blind eye to it. Until now.

The ICC (International Criminal Court) is expected to issue an arrest warrant for al-Bashir this week. This is an unprecedented move. It would be the first time a sitting leader will have an arrest warrant issued against him. The arrest warrant is pursuant to an indictment for crimes against humanity relating to the genocide. The civil war and genocide is estimated to have killed 2 million Sudanese people and displaced hundreds of thousands more. Those numbers are staggering. I can't even begin to comprehend those numbers. I can't begin to comprehend living in a place where my son would be killed or "drafted" into fighting for one side or the other at 7. Or that I would be raped, beaten or killed for being of a certain ethnic background. It's incomprehensible to me.

What is even more incomprehensible to me is the Sudanese Government's position about the civil war and genocide. The Sudanese Government denies the genocide and puts the death toll from the civil war at 200,000. The war has crept across the borders into Chad, where refugee camps are located. The violence in Chad, along with the housing of thousands and thousands of refugees was causing the situation there to deteriorate. Were it not for Nicholas Sarkozy, President of France, there would have been more conflict. Sarkozy got a European force deployed in Chad to increase security along the border with Sudan. Say what you want about France, they stepped up in this case. The situation along the border has improved.

The janjaweed (a "militia" group supported by the Government) have wreaked havoc on Darfur. They have burned villages, raped women and killed scores of Sudanese. Nicholas Kristof, columnist for the New York Times has been one for the few Western journalists to cover the genocide in Darfur and keep the glare of the media spotlight on it. He has been filing op-ed pieces from Chad and Darfur as he has accompanied George Clooney on a trip to the refugee camps. Today's piece talks about a farmer Kristof met on a prior trip who had his eyes gouged out by the janajaweed and how hard it was to see the man's five year old daughter react to her dad like he was a monster.

In a prior piece, Kristof talked about a woman who had escaped to Chad with her sister, husband and children. She was raped by Government troops but didn't seek treatment because she didn't want her husband to know because of the stigma attached to women who are raped in that part of the world. Her parents could not travel because they were ill. Her sister, 11 years old, set out on foot to get her parents and bring them back to Chad. The girl disappeared in the desert and has not been seen.

I have a hard time visualizing an 11 year old girl walking hundreds of miles on her own to find her parents and bring them back to safety. That is strength. That is courage. That is something none of us will ever have to face. And it's hard to imagine facing it. I have dealt with small things in comparison to what the people of Sudan see every single day.

Kristof's piece today also talks about how excited the Sudanese in the refugee camps when Barack Obama was elected President. They even named one of the schools after him. There is a sense of hope among the refugees now that Barack Obama is President. There is hope that Obama will take a leading role in ending the genocide in Darfur. As Mr. Kristof points out, the three biggest voices regarding the genocide in the Senate were Obama, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton. Each is now in a position to do something to help put an end to the killing. Hope that the United States and the rest of the world will live up to their promise of "Never Again" has been rekindled.

If you are interested in reading Kristof's op-ed piece in today's Times, here's the link for it: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/02/26/opinion/26kristof.html

If you are interested in getting involved: http://www.savedarfur.org/content?splash=yes

Random Thoughts Again

I really can't think of anything in particular to talk about. I missed the President's speech last night. And I'm not really in a politics mood today. Even Middle Eastern politics isn't floating my boat today. So here is what I'm thinking about today.

• My knee is feeling much better. But I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and for it to start hurting again.

• I need a nap. Sleeping on the couch and poorly for the last 4 nights has caught up to me. I'm really tired. Almost irrationally so.

• The formatting on my blog is all jacked and I have no idea how to fix it.

• I'm three-quarters done with The Reader and still can't decide (1) the point and (2) whether I like it. The book is leaving me unsettled and I'm not sure why. Oh, and I'm not sure why anyone thought this would make a good movie.

• I forgot to set my VCR to tape the Wings/Sharks game and am pissed about that.

• I am seriously craving cookies. I don't usually crave sweets, but I really want a cookie. I may have to bake tonight.....

• The semi-identified feeling of sadness is still with me, though not as bad, which leads me to believe that it was mostly about the pain in my knee. That's a good thing.

I will try to come up with something good to talk about later. For now, this is all I have. I hope you all have a good day.

Piss & Moan

I am a monumentally unhappy person right now. I'm exhausted. I'm in a tremendous amount of pain. I'm sad for reasons that I can't identify. I know that I'm supposed to be optimistic and positive this year. I'm not having an optimistic and positive day. I have 67ish days until the triathlon. I'm still incredibly out of shape. I only managed to swim 15 minutes of backstroke before I got pulled out of the pool tonight. I can't run. Hell, I can barely walk. I'm not good with set-backs. I'm not patient and I'm really not good with nagging pain that doesn't seem to go away. I realize that I'm being a wimp. After all, I haven't torn anything. But I have to say, this pain is annoying and unending. I can't get comfortable and when I do it doesn't last very long.

I am probably sad because I'm in pain. But I've been sad the last few days. I have hesitated to mention it because people sometimes mistake my temporary sadness for something deeper. This is a transitory thing. I am pretty sure it's related to two things. One is my knee injury. The other is something entirely different, but it's not something I want to talk about here. It's something I wrought and it's something I have to deal with. Just suffice it to say that I'm sad and it will pass.

But since this is my blog, I can piss and moan when I feel the need. Tonight, I feel the need. I'm just so freakin' irritated by my knee it's making me mad and miserable. Misery loves company. I hope that you all are not miserable. I'll try to post something happier tomorrow.

For The Love Of Books

Amazon released its new Kindle. The Kindle is like an iPod for books. It holds 1,500 books. Personally, I will never own one. I was chomping at the bit to get an iPod and would gladly give my right arm for a Nikon D60. I have a Blackberry and love it. I'm not a technophobe. However, when it comes to books, I'm a traditionalist in the same way that I wholly disapprove of inter-league play in baseball. There are some things that are best left alone.

I used to be a huge book snob. And to a certain degree, I still am. I fail to see the point of reading Jackie Collins or Danielle Steel. An ex of mine once told me that I should be glad people read and not be so concerned with the "what". Maybe. I still wouldn't read the Twilight books if you paid me (no offense, Becky). My brain candy is geared toward murder mysteries. As I have gotten older and see that 40% of people in this country read one book a year or less, I've become less of a book snob. It doesn't matter what you read, but just read.

That having been said, I have issues with this Kindle. Not everything in life needs to resemble a computer or video game. Reading requires concentration and an attention span. Making more palatable to people who are used to their electronic devices might be genius on Amazon's part. I just don't like it.

It's a tactile thing for me. I like the weight of a big book. I like the smell of art books. Or the musty smell of old books. I like to feel the texture of the paper the book is printed on. I like the look of the slightly yellowed pages of older books. I like to hear the voices of the characters in my head when I read. I like to see the notes people leave in the margins of books. And believe it or not, that happens when I read abook, not when I read on a computer screen. There's just something more intimate and personal about reading the printed word than reading words on a computer screen. (Yes, I see the irony of discussing the value of the printed word on an electronic forum.)

But that's just me. I'm sure there are plenty of people to balance me out. Those who prefer to see the words on a LCD screen than having to hold a cumbersome book. I will always prefer to hold a book. I will always prefer to see colorful dust jackets lining my bookshelves. I will always prefer the smell of a book, the feel of a page, the notes in the margins. Some things are just better left the way they were.

My Jacked Up Knee....And Feet....And IT Band

My knee woke me up at 3:30 this morning. I haven't been this frustrated in a long time. I went to a physical therapist. He told me that the spot where my knee hurts is where three tendons meet. And because I walk wrong and have tight calves and a tight IT Band, the tendons are being pulled in different directions. Hence my pain. It's not tendinitis yet. I caught it early, which means that it's a good thing I'm a wimp. I'm on a modified training schedule for two weeks and am getting physical therapy for two weeks. It will heal and I'll go back to my regular training schedule. I'm so incredibly relieved. I was trying to stay positive, but a small part of me was terribly worried that it was something serious. Alas, I will be able to continue with my training. I will not stop until I have done this triathlon.

As I was limping on my stiff, sore knee yesterday, I started thinking about the triathlon. My first thought was if this was a serious injury, like something was torn and needed surgery, would I be upset that I would have to stop training? The answer was an unmitigated yes. I started to think about why I was so concerned about not training. I played softball for years on a co-ed team. I was upset when we quit playing, but I never got like I did today when I thought I wouldn't be able to keep training.

First, I have gotten back to my roots, so to speak. I spent my entire childhood and teenage years outside. I played sports and was outside all the time. I got away from that and have missed it, but I didn't realize how much until I started training again.

Second, I have gotten to meet new people and train with a group. It's easier to do when you have other people encouraging you. It's good to share pain and triumph and the inevitable ups and downs that come with training for an endurance event. Without exception, the people I have met that are involved in TNT are the best people.

Third, I have lost weight. Being laid up by an injury instills a fear that I will slide back into fatty-town. I don't want to go there again. I never want to be like I was. And I'm so not done losing weight and getting in shape.

Fourth, and most importantly, I felt like I would have let down our honorees and all the people who have so generously donated money on my behalf. That is the biggest reason. I know things happen and sometimes injuries are inevitable. But I don't want to have to tell anyone that I cannot compete because I hurt myself. I want to do this triathlon so bad. I don't want to let anyone down. Most especially Becky, who has been such a source of inspiration and encouragement for me.

Thankfully, it's not serious. I'll be able to go back to giving it my all in a couple of weeks. While my knee still hurts, I have peace of mind knowing that it's not serious. I have had one serious injury in my life. I hurt my shoulder when I was in high school. When you play softball 9 months a year, it wears your throwing arm out. I got severe tendinitis and bursitis in it. It was bad enough that my orthopedic surgeon was going to operate but the tendons worked out of their knot and I healed. I don't want to go through that again. Things look good. My spirit is lifted and I feel much more positive about things.

I'm finding it's not that hard to be positive sometimes. It's just a matter of deciding to see the good in a situation instead of the bad. I refused to believe it was a serious injury and it wasn't. I want to do this triathlon really badly and am not giving it up without one hell of a fight.

A Good Day

I did not train yesterday. Instead, my friend, Kathy and I went to see our friend, Shelley, who was in Atascadero visiting her mom. Shelley worked with Kathy and I and we have been friends for a long time. Shelley moved to Washington State three years ago. I have missed her a lot since she left.

Kathy picked me up yesterday morning and we made the drive to Astascadero. We spent the day at Shelley's mom's house and the four of us talked and laughed for 8 hours. We caught up on each other's lives. We told stories. We talked about our kids and our lives and had a great time. I haven't had a day that good in a long time.

Kathy drove and I rode. The car ride and all the sitting was not kind to my knee, which was so stiff and sore when I got home last night, it was making me cry. But I iced it, slept a little bit and got up to go to the run this morning. One of my coaches, Jenny looked at me knee. She said that she thinks my knee is a conditioning issue that has caught up to me. I'm supposed to ice and heat it and walk. I'm hoping it will be better by Wednesday. We'll see. No matter what, I'll be at the pool on Tuesday.

I'm taking it easy today. I'm going to go to book club this afternoon. I'm looking forward to it. I may be back to post more later.

A Big Thank You

I have talked about my crazy quest to do a triathlon. And I have mentioned that my friend, Becky, drugged me into doing this. I'm joking about the drugging.....at least as far as I know. And while I've discussed my reasons for finally deciding to do a triathlon for Team In Training, I wanted to take this opportunity to express my gratitude to Becky.

Becky and I have known each other for twelve years or so. We met at Valley Yellow Pages. We've always gotten along like peas and carrots. And since she did her first triathlon five years ago, I have watched her become a better version of herself - different but the same. She is more confident. She is physically fit. She is more balanced and centered. She loves her job, which is a calling for her. Since she has started working for the Society, she has become more outgoing. When I started hanging around with her co-workers and with other participants, I realized that I needed to do this.

Anyone who does triathlons knows that it is an expensive sport. First, you need a bike. But as I have learned since starting down this road, bikes are not cheap. And you have to have all the stuff that goes with the bike - helmet, cycling shorts, jerseys, gloves, shoes , etc. Bikes can easily run into the thousands of dollars. The cyclists who are riding the time trial today in the Tour of California are riding bikes that are worth about $10,000. I don't have a bike. Well, I have a mountain bike, but that won't work for a triathlon. Becky, in an act of either incredible generosity or insanity, had lent me her road bike. She has a triathlon bike and is training with that. I may have been able to get a loaner bike through TNT, but she offered her bike. I know how much her bike cost. It's why I always say that I'm not falling off that bike as long as I ride it.

Not only did she loan me her bike, which I'm learning are like children and that is why I'm so awed by her willingness to give it to me. Becky also gave me cycling shorts, dry-fit socks, jerseys, a jacket, swim cap, goggles, and a watch. She gave me these things without my asking for them. Without her incredible gesture of kindness, I probably wouldn't be able to do this triathlon. I could not afford to buy a bike. I am making it my mission to buy a bike this year. I know that no matter what happens with the tri, I will continue to ride the bike.

I have discussed how much Team In Training is changing my life. I would not have been able to do this without Becky. So I wanted to try to find the words to express my gratitude to Becky for facilitating this. And the fact that she is going to do the triathlon with me means a lot to me as well. It's one thing to get me involved in TNT, it's another to be by my side (figuratively as she will finish an hour or more ahead of me) while I compete.

Becky's been an inspiration to me for a long time. She is one of the best people I know and as you all can see, one of the kindest. Thank you so much Becky for getting me to do this tri and for giving me the equipment and confidence to believe I can. You rock.