Under the Table and Dreaming

Still Life

I have a problem with keeping my mind still. I'm usually thinking about several different things at a time. I sent an email to a friend not too long ago, mentioning several things that were on my mind. The response was something like "Boom, boom, boom. I love how your mind works." It's kind of like a chihuahua on Cuban coffee sometimes.

I have tried visualization and meditation. But I just can't get the hang of it. I have these books - 5 Good Minutes. They are about talking 5 minutes out of your morning and evening and think about one thing. They are good books and sometimes I can successfully do it. But those times are few and far between. Just when i get to the point where my mind stills and I'm thinking of nothing, some random bunny thought pops into my head. It's amazing I sleep as well as I do given how much I think about. Part of the reason I hate to climb hills on my bike is that I'm not patient and not present in the moment. That's really what meditation is about - being present in the moment. There are very few times when I am present in the moment.

Going to Dave Matthews Band shows, I'm completely in the moment. No checking the watch. No talking. No nothing. Just me and the music. Note for note. It's my zen. It's my peace. It's why I go to so many shows. It lets me be present and not think or worry. Just be.

I found doing the triathlon gave me the same presence. Doing a triathlon kind of forces you to have that presence. I have to think about so much when I'm doing anything related to the tri. But oddly enough, most of the time in training, I am not in the moment. I'm chatting with someone or I'm running alone and thinking about any number of things. Today was a different story.

Last Wednesday, I was running with the Team and someone suggested I breathe differently. At the time, I had a hard time doing it. This morning, it worked well for me. I was able to run longer. It hurt less and I got less tired. But it did another thing for me. When running and thinking about breathing in two steps and out two steps, that's all I was thinking about. I was totally focused on my breathing and my steps. Completely in the the moment. And I felt good when i was done. Relaxed, almost. Tired, sure. Sore, yes. But I felt good. And I didn't shift right away to thinking about the four or five things that I needed to do today. It was kind of nice.

I hope that this wasn't a one time thing. I hope that I am able to do this again. It was nice to just run. And just be.

What I'm Looking For

Here's your delayed iTunes Dj. Sorry I didn't get to it until now. I'll do better with the blog, I promise.

1. What I'm Looking For - Brendan Benson
2. It Keep You Runnin' - The Doobie Brothers
3. Boogie Shoes - KC & The Sunshine Band
4. Roses From My Friends - Ben Harper & The Innocent Criminals
5. Recently - Dave Matthews Band
6. All Fired Up - Pat Benatar
7. Everyday Is Like Sunday - 10,000 Maniacs
8. The Nearness Of You - Norah Jones
9. Interstate Love Song - Stone Temple Pilots
10. The Dreaming Tree - Dave Matthews Band

I hope you all are having a good weekend. I'll be back to post later. I'm tired and need to get to bed. Running tomorrow is going to hurt if I don't.

So Much For That

I had a post I was writing. Then this huge thunder storm rolled in and the power went out. And there went my post. I still don't have power and am going to trust my Blackberry alarm to wake me up, which is iffy at best. I'll write more tomorrow. Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

Men And Women

I have never been really girly. I don't wear makeup unless I have to. I own three dresses that I hardly wear. I don't do my hair. Ever. I like wearing casual clothes and being myself. I don't like to play games. But I'm finding with this internet dating thing and in talking to my friends that relationships between men and women are nothing but a giant game. That makes me sad. Though I will say that my new friend and I have avoided such pitfalls thus far.

I believe in being honest as much as possible. I don't like to play games. If I'm interested, you'll know. If I'm not, you'll know. I don't wait two days to contact someone if I'm interested or if I want to talk to them. I don't understand the need to screw with people. Life is hard enough without having someone who's supposed to like you mess with you.

Most of the time, I feel caught. I'm not a typical girl. I don't play girl games. I don't do girly things. I have tendencies toward thinking like a guy. I'm not someone who mistakes sex for love. I'm not someone who demands all sorts of things. Not to say that I don't have my standards. I just don't need the same things a lot of women want or need. I think a lot of women expect a Hollywood happy ending. I don't. I think forever is a long time. I think that men and women are so far apart most of the time on what they expect that relationships are doomed to failure. I don't expect forever. I don't expect a fairy tale ending.

What I expect is that the person I'm with will treat me well. I expect him to not play games with me. I expect him to show he's interested. To show he cares. No games. No drama. If you want to talk to me, then call. If you want to be with me, be with me. Don't wait. Just do. If we all could learn to not play dumb ass games with the people we date, life would be so much easier.

I also have a bit of a bone to pick with internet dating sites. Stop employing people from India to pad the number of people that show up on your site. It pisses me off to get computer-generated emails from non-existent men. I'm happy I seem to have found one of the real ones. And that I like him. He doesn't seem to play games. Which is a huge bonus in my world.

Sharing

I have been ignoring you, my three loyal readers and I'm sorry about that. I have kind of had writer's block. I have been working on a lot of things and have neglected this blog. I will say this much. I have met someone through this internet dating thing and we are getting to know each other. I was just going to say that I don't want to talk about it because I don't want to jinx it. But someone pointed out to me recently that I tend to not talk about the positive things that happen in my life. I hadn't noticed that, but I suppose it's true. I haven't said a lot about my job to people and I didn't mention the one bright spot in the cesspool of freaks I've encountered while internet dating.

I'm a pretty internal person. Sure, I have this blog and I talk about all kinds of personal things. But not the things that mean the most to me. Not the things that are deep inside me. I don't like to let people in like that. It's too hard and too risky. If you let someone in, there's a chance they'll burn you. But also, I'm trying to overcome a life-long habit of waiting for the other shoe to drop. And thinking it's going to be a bad thing. Not everything in my life ends badly. And not everyone I let in hurts me. I just need to try to remember that it's not as big a deal as I make it. I also need to be more open.

I made a resolution this year to have a more positive outlook on life. But I think I'm so gun-shy sometimes that I don't want to talk about the positive even if I'm thinking positively for fear that I will jinx my good fortune. Despite the litany of setbacks I've had to face, I'm remarkably upbeat. I feel really good about life right now. I think it's a combination of a lot of things. One is that I have a good job. Another is that I'm training and exercise is a good, good thing. A third thing is that I feel good about myself. Of course it helps that my new friend likes me.

I had a friend give me a pep talk the other night and he said that I don't think I'm attractive. I think he was right, as hard as it is to admit that. I have a hard time thinking of myself in those terms. It's getting better. I have way more good days than bad ones. I think sometimes that it would be beneficial for all of us to see ourselves as others see us once in a while. We are far more critical of ourselves that others are of us. I know it helps me sometimes to hear things like my friend said to me. Mostly because I don't often see that I'm "so freakin' hot". But it's at least partly true, otherwise, I wouldn't be getting to know my new friend.

So why do I not talk about the good things? I'm not sure. It's not just that I'll jinx it. I'm not able to say why. I do know that I'm trying to change it. Because my life is far better than worse right now. I have a lot going for me. And I need to not just internally focus on that, but I need to share the things in life that make me happy. So I will make an effort to start sharing the things that make me happy. Life is pretty good for me right now. And that's a good thing because I'm facing birthday number 37 shortly and that has been the counter-balance to my life is good belief right now.

In Memorium

Today is Memorial Day. It is the day we set aside to remember all those Americans who have died in defense of this country. Despite my entirely liberal political bent, I have nothing but the utmost awe and respect for the men and women who choose to serve this country in the armed forces. It's a hard and thankless job. And it shouldn't be.

My grandfather (mother's father) was a PT Boat Captain during World War II. He served in the Pacific. He was a first generation American, his parents being from Germany. During WWII, if you were of German or Japanese descent, you could chose which theater you wanted to fight in. My grandfather, not wanting to fight cousins of his in the German military, opted to fight in the Pacific. PT (Patrol Torpedo) Boats were small, fast boats that were used to attack larger surface ships. My grandfather fought in some of the bigger battles of the Pacific during the war. I have a lot of his photos, including one of a dead Japanese soldier floating in the water. I have his official photograph when he graduated from the Officer's school in Newport, Rhode Island. I also have the eagle that he wore on his uniform. He served proudly and he told me a story one time about the "kids" on his boat, his crew, wanted a mascot. So they bought a monkey from some villagers. The monkey was a fine pet until the guns started firing and the noise scared it and it crapped all over the boat. He told me about the time they built a floating officer's club. He told me about the time a kamikaze missed their boat by 10 feet. He told me that he ran into George Halas, owner and coach of the Bears, for whom my grandfather played. They were talking about the upcoming preparations for the invasion of Japan. Halas asked if my grandfather was ready. He responded with some detail about his ship and George Halas said, "No, to play football when you get back." I cherish these stories. My grandfather was a member of the Greatest Generation and he served his country faithfully and proudly.

My father is a Viet Nam veteran. He enlisted in the Army because he would have been drafted any way. He served in Korea and Viet Nam. To this day, my father will not talk about his service. He once told me when I was a kid that he was like Radar on M*A*S*H. I don't think that's true. All I know is that he has a bronze star - the third highest award for someone in the Army. He was wounded and should have a purple heart but never received one. He was unable to wear his uniform home when he got out of the Army because of the sentiment at the time. He got out at the height of the anti-war movement. What a difference a generation makes.

I hate the war in Iraq. It was ill-conceived with no concrete plan to deal with the aftermath of invasion. There are so many things wrong with it. Because we invaded Iraq, Afghanistan, and now Pakistan, are a mess militarily and other wise. As much as I think the invasion of Iraq was a mistake, I completely support every solider, sailor and marine serving. They are heroes. They walk into the face of death to protect us. There is nothing more noble than that to me. If I had my way, there would be no war. No parent would have to lose a child to combat. No mother would have to lose a son. But that is not the reality of the world. Many parents have lost children. Many wives have lost husbands and husbands have lost wives.

I have talked about the book "The Final Salute" by Jim Sheeler, based on his article in the now-defunct Rocky Mountain News. It's a wonderful book and to me, it exemplifies not only the ultimate sacrifice that soldiers give for their country, but its affect on all of us.I suggest that you all read it. It is a much more eloquent salute to the men and women who serve this country than I could ever write.

I just wanted to take time out today from dealing with my own self-inflicted drama and the mess that the world in general is, and recognize the brave men and women who sacrifice so much so that we can live peaceful, secure lives. And especially to those who have made the ultimate sacrifice in defense of this country. And to their families and friends who have suffered the greatest loss. They are heroes. They are the reason that we have the ability to live safely and securely and only worry about things like what to make for dinner. Please take some time out today, whatever you're doing, to remember those who have served and those who have died so we can be free.

I'm Back...Sort Of

Sorry I haven't posted in a couple of days. I'm working on one that is just taking forever and I keep deleting it because I can't seem to say what I really want to. Which you all know is odd for me. Every time I write it, it just doesn't make the point I want it to. But I'll get it worked out and try to get it posted Tuesday.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day and I wanted to take some time tomorrow to recognize why we have the day off - and it's not to bbq and go to the lake and not work. I've been thinking a lot about service and what it means. So tomorrow will be all about that.

Change

Here's your iTunes DJ for today:

1. Change - Lisa Stansfield
2. Jailbird - M Ward
3. With You - Linkin Park
4. Breath - Pearl Jam
5. Black Tambourine - Beck
6. Doolin' Dalton -The Eagles
7. Out Of My System - Jamie Lidell
8. I Get A Kick Out Of You - Billie Holiday
9. Jezebel - 10,000 Maniacs
10. 11am - Incubus
11. Warehouse -Dave Matthews Band

I felt like a bonus song. I went on a date last night and it was nice. I was hoping to hear from him today, but didn't. Such is life. I had a long day and was up late last night and early this morning. So I'm not going to say a whole lot tonight. I promise I will have something to say tomorrow. I have to get up at 5 to ride with the team so I'm going to bed early tonight. I need the sleep. Have a good night and a great holiday weekend.

Friendship

I said I was going to post about friendship and I am, but the story tonight starts in a different place. Bare with me, because I do have a point and it will make sense. As some of you know, my friend, Denny, is a reporter for the Fresno Bee. Last night he went to a residential hotel in downtown Fresno where an 800 pound dead man was removed from a building. His story can be found here. It had been a while since the guy had been seen.  It's a sad story. The residents hadn't seen him in a while and some of them helped him with groceries and such. But even those people who helped him didn't notice right away that he hadn't been seen. And they evidently didn't check on him because he'd been dead for several days. And while I joked about it with Denny at first, it got me thinking.

I am pretty sure that if no one heard from me for a day, people would check on me to see if every thing was okay. In fact, I know they would because a couple of years ago I was being anti-social and staying home and one of my friends came to check on me when I didn't show for a social thing. Those are the kind of people who are my friends.

I worry sometimes about ending up alone. But really, I won't be alone. I have friends that I consider family. And without my friends, I don't know where I'd be. I don't have hundreds of friends. But the friends I have I'm close to. I would do anything for them. And I know that I could call them any time of the day or night if I needed something.

Friendship is a tricky thing. Sometimes you can take people for granted and assume things will always be the way the are. I have experienced this first hand twice in a year. The first time, a long-standing friendship ended. The second time, the friendship was saved. But it got me thinking. You can't take friendship for granted. It's like a plant - a rose bush. Sometimes it's thorny and you have to cut it back. But when you do that it's able to flourish. It takes care and attention to blossom. But if you neglect it or treat it badly or plant it in the wrong ground, you can kill it. Or drastically alter what it is.

The friendship that ended last year was important to me. I'm sad that it ended because we'd been friends for a long time. But it needed to for things to change in my life. It was more destructive than constructive and was holding me back from being a better person. I have made several new friends who are much better for me. They are such great people. They are kind and strong and funny and smart. Not that they are replacements for him, but they have helped to take the sting out of the loss for me. And they are all such good people.

I'm lucky. I know who I can call at 3 in the morning if I can't sleep. I know who I can call when I need a chocolate fix and can't leave work. I know who I can call to cry on a shoulder about whatever has gone wrong in my life. And I'm extremely lucky that I have more than one friend whom I consider family. And who I would do anything for.

Even on my loneliest day, I know that I'm not truly alone. I know that the friends I have now will be my friends for life. And that we will always be there to take care of each other and support each other. Ideally friendship should be give and take. It's not always like that, but I try to make sure that I'm always able to give when my friends need. Because I know they will do the same for me.

Pet Peeves

We all have pet peeves. Things that bother us. Things that make us want to flick the person who does them in the forehead. Here is a list of some of my pet peeves (and no, this is not an invitation for you all to do these things when you see me):

• Being poked
• People who slurp liquids
• People who chew loudly
• People who say "irregardless", "kewl", "holla" etc.
• People who come to someone's house or get in their car and play couch commando or radio commando
• People who don't hold doors open
• People who have a cart full of stuff and don't let someone with 2 items in front of them
• Drivers in Fresno
• People who assume a level of familiarity with people they don't know well
• Morons
• People who don't listen

That's not an exhaustive list. But I've been noticing things that annoy me lately. So I turned my mental list into an actual one. A couple of those are the result of my foray into internet dating. I'm telling you either I have picked the one site that is almost nothing but freaks. Or, and this is the option I tend to believe, I am a freak magnet. Some of the people who have written to me are - to put it nicely - nuts.

I'm getting up at 4:30 to run with the Team at 5:30. That hurt just typing it. So I have to go to bed and get some sleep. Have a great day tomorrow. Tomorrow night, I'm going to talk about my friends. And I'll leave you to wonder whether I mean in a good way or bad way. Bwa ha ha ha (evil laugh).