I will be the first one to admit I'm afraid of a lot of things. Here's a list that is by no means all-inclusive: heights, bugs, snakes, dying, cleaning out drain traps, commitment and love. It is the last two that I am going to talk about tonight. I have been in some bad relationships. I have, as a result, been reticent to let anyone in. It's easy for me to keep my distance. And I'm good at keeping people at arm's length. I don't let people in very often or very much, with some few rare exceptions.
As you know, I have been dating someone. He's a good guy. He's sensitive and quiet and shy. I like him. And that is my problem. A couple of nights ago, he said he was going to come over. It was a while before I realized I hadn't heard from him and when I sent him a text he told me he couldn't come over. I went over the bend about it. I was off the charts cranky and sleep-deprived which never makes me rational. He apologized to me. He didn't try to make it my fault and he didn't pick a fight. He simply said he was sorry for not doing what he said he would do.
When it happened again, due to a miscommunication, he came over and we talked. I thought, initially, that it was my issues with being able to trust anyone that were causing the problem. I still think that has something to do with it. But a friend of mine told me that I'm a wimp. I'm afraid to let my friend like me and I'm afraid to like him. That fear is what is making me nuts when he doesn't do something he says he's going to do.
Naturally, I started thinking about why I'm afraid to let him like me. It goes back to a conversation I had with Becky a while ago. We were talking about my friend I no longer talk to. She is convinced that he had feelings for me he was not capable of acknowledging. I told her I disagreed and she asked why. I told her that I just didn't think he liked me. And she asked me if it was because I couldn't see anyone liking me romantically. She was right. I couldn't verbalize it, though. I just didn't think anyone could like me. While I've done a lot of changing this year, I think a lot of that residual damage to my self-esteem remains. I think that if I let someone in - all the way in - where not too many people go, they'll walk away. Because what is very deep inside me isn't lovable. I know this is not true. Intellectually, I know this. But emotionally, I don't want to find out if I'm right. It's so much easier to keep people at arm's length. It will also eventually drive him away. There's only so much arm's length people are willing to put up with. And if someone tells you they love you, they expect to hear it in return at some point. If I'm not willing to open myself up to that possibility, then I will never find anyone to be my partner.
Realizing it and accepting it is one thing. Changing it is another thing altogether. But here's the thing, I have to. I really like this guy. And he has told me how he feels about me. I can't be afraid of this or I'll lose an opportunity to experience something truly great. So, I'm going to conquer another fear this year and let go. I'm going to let him like me. And I'm going to tell him how I feel about him. And let the chips fall where they may. I figure since I have spent most of this year outside my comfort zone, I may as well continue to live there and see what happens next. To my friend who called me a wimp - you know who you are - thank you. As usual, you are right and I appreciate you opening the can of whup ass on me. I obviously needed it.
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