Letting It Go

I've started writing this post about ten times. I've probably had eight different subjects. But everything is coming out badly. I can't focus and I can't write. I'm trying really hard to come up with a topic, but am distracted by a conversation I had with someone last week. It relates to the blog post I wrote about being afraid to let my boyfriend (for lack of a better term), like me. And my fear of liking him. This fear I have is interfering with my ability to be happy and to just let things happen.

I'm good at a lot of things. I'm good at my job. I'm a good parent. I'm a good friend. I'm smart, capable and independent. But I think my independence is getting in the way. I don't want to give that up. I want things on my terms all the time. Realistically, I know this is not possible. I can't have things my way all the time. I'm not so good at being a girlfriend. I fight tooth and nail against my inclination to become girly and needy with the boyfriend. I'm just not sure my nature and the fact that I've been alone for so long are going to allow me to be a good girlfriend without a lot of work on my part.

And it starts by figuring out how to not be afraid of this.....relationship. I'm not sure how to do that. I'm not sure how to go about letting go of my past and burying the baggage that is dealing with me more than I'm dealing with it right now. I need to figure this all out. Unfortunately, this conversation and the last week have been on my mind, to the exclusion of anything else. I don't want to ruin this relationship because my past is fogging my present. I'm just trying to figure out how to let it all go.

I'm not good at letting things go. I have such a hard time with trusting people. I don't take anyone at their word. It's a hard way to live. Being paranoid and suspicious. I have got to let it go. I have to figure out stop being that way. My boyfriend is not my past. He's my present. I need to realize that and I need to not let the jackasses from my past ruin my present. I suppose I just need to let it go. So right now, I'm letting it go. All the mistrust and hurt has to go. I know that just because I say I'm letting it go doesn't mean it's going to go. But I'm going to try every single day to let it go. Because I want my present to be my future.

Comments

[Becky]

It is one thing to want to work on yourself. I think everyone can fine tune. We all evolve over time and it is important to take what we have learned and use it.

But I have known you for a long time now. I have seen first hand why it is that you have a hard time trusting people, and frankly, I don't blame you for holding back. Take some time. There is absolutely no reason to rush into things, especially because someone who was not there to understand leads you to doubt yourself.

The mistrust and hurt and issues will go in time, when it is right for them to go. There is no way that you can rush that to happen. You will also have set backs, but that is because you are human and that is how relationships are.

Be kind to yourself. Take your time and enjoy this. And let each day come as it will.