Under the Table and Dreaming

So Much To Say

Here's your iTunes DJ for today

1. So Much To Say - Dave Matthews Band
2. Pain Lies On The Riverside - Live
3. Superstition - Stevie Ray Vaughn
4. Run To The Water - Live
5. Friday Night - G Love & Special Sauce
6. I'm Not Cryin For You - Save Ferris
7. Sweet Child O'Mine - Guns N Roses
8. The Other Side - David Grey
9. I Want More - Dexter Gordon
10. Beak Up To Make Up - Joan Osborne

I don't have the energy to talk about anything else.

The Trials of Lucy

I have a friend who calls me "Lucy" sometimes, after Lucy Ricardo. Not because Lucy was a red-head, but because crazy, embarrassing stuff always seemed to happen to her. Granted, I'm not trying to weasel my way into a show or impersonating Harpo Marx, but I do have my share of weird or unfortunate things happen.

Like the time my car broke down - almost literally - in the middle of nowhere (on State Route 41 between State Route 46 and Kettleman City, for those familiar with the area) and some little dude, who, I am convinced to this day was a serial killer, pulled off the road, popped his hood, and squatted by his right REAR tire, looking at me. Freaked out doesn't begin to cover what I am. And here's a lesson for anyone who's planning on traveling alone - don't put so much shit in your trunk that you can't get to your tire iron when there's a potential serial killer pulled in front of your broken down car and he's staring at you. Luckily, I got back into my car and locked it so he couldn't get to me. I was writing down the vitals on the van and him when he pulled away.

Or the fact that I can fall for no apparent reason. Two nights ago, I fell down the two small steps on my back stoop. One second, I was upright, the next, I was flat on my back in no small amount of pain. [I am not a wuss when it comes to pain. It takes a lot to make me cry. I have fallen off my front porch three times and not so much as sniffled.] It hurt enough to make me cry. I will give Michael credit. He didn't laugh. But I know he wanted to. And I'm fairly certain that he was laughing his ass off on the inside. I have fallen off my bike more times than I can count or care to remember.

Or the time I went to see the US Men's Volleyball team (with Karch Kiraly, Steve Timmons and Bob Ctvrtlik, to name a few) play the Soviet Union in a match in San Francisco at the Cow Palace and the ball went out of bounds and came to me. So I tried to throw it back - with my right hand (I'm left-handed) and hit the women five rows in front of me in the back of the head. Total embarrassment that I'm sure was on the bay area news that night.

There are tons of other incidents that I have either long since forgotten about or was too drunk to remember in the first place. Suffice it to say, I've had my share of weird or unfortunate things happen to me. I was thinking about all this after I fell the other night. I realize that it's funny to fall now. It won't be funny when I'm 70 (assuming, naturally, I live that long) and have osteo like my mom and fall and can't get up. But that might actually make me laugh because, for better or worse, I will always have the dippy commercial playing in my head, like it was the other night when I fell down the steps. Fortunately for me, Michael was there to pick me up. And not to get too sappy, but I hope he's there to pick me up when I'm 70 and I fall down the steps.

I don't set out to do stuff like that. It just kind of happens to me. I'm used to it now. Nothing much phases me. I figure if I fall, as long as I do it right, I'll be okay. Just don't put your hands out to brace yourself. Duck and roll and it's all good. I swear that really works. I know now not to keep so much shit in my trunk that I can't get to my tire iron to fend off potential serial killers. I know that should I ever see another volleyball game, I will hold my camera in my right hand and throw with my left. Life is full of funny little lessons.  

Afghanistan

I have stayed away from posting about the political. No particular reason except that I haven't paid that much attention. I know I should. Someone has to be the voice of reason among my family and boyfriend, lol. But I just haven't felt like dealing with the morass of health care reform. But there has been an awful lot of discussion about what to do in Afghanistan of late and I am feeling like I need to say something about what's going on.

I was pleased to see that the President is not going to decrease the number of troops there. It would have been disastrous. And I will start by saying that I would much rather no American troops would have to die, but that's not realistic. And as opposed as I was to the war in Iraq which I think was largely unjustified and illegal, I think we need to be in Afghanistan. I have thought that for a long time. Had we not invaded Iraq, we would probably not be fighting like we are in Afghanistan. But there's no use crying over spilled milk.

This may come as a shock to some who know me, but I believe we need more troops in Afghanistan. I believe that the Taliban and Al Queda are inextricably linked and that to defeat one you have to defeat both. I believe that we have an obligation (after DECADES of meddling and leaving the people to the fate of the Taliban) to build that nation. This started long before 9/11 and I think we have a tendency to only see the short-term and to forget our history.

This started when the Soviets invaded Afghanistan and the world was like a giant chess board for the Superpowers. We funded the Taliban and encouraged the growth of Islamic Fundamentalism in the Middle East either on purpose or through ignorance. Either way, we left that region in a power vacuum once the Cold War was over. Then our government has the nerve to act surprised that Al Queda had been hiding in nations like Afghanistan, Pakistan, Yemen, Somalia - all the places we relegated to the back burner because they were not geopolitically important. Now we react with confusion when we see such anti-American sentiment in the region.

The Vice-President is floating the plan of no additional troops, concentrate on defeating Al Queda and leaving the fate of the Afghan people and government to the Taliban. I think that idea is a disaster of monumental proportions waiting to happen. While the Taliban and Al Queda are two different organizations, they have a symbiotic relationship. You absolutely cannot defeat one without defeating the other. I am shocked and surprised the Vice-President would push such an ignorant idea. Aside from which, we owe the people of Afghanistan some help. We have ignored them and relegated them to life with the Taliban. They have no infrastructure, no economy (and we wonder why they raise poppies), no education, no civil society. A nation cannot exist and a government cannot function without a civil society (see Somalia). If we truly want to stop the rise of Islamic Fundamentalism throughout the world, we have to take steps to make that happen. Allow girls to be educated. Let women be teachers and doctors and lawyers and politicians. Let the rule of law reign supreme. Build a physical infrastructure and a political one. If we do not do these things, we are bound to fail. And a failure in Afghanistan will hit us at home in the form of another 9/11.

One Funeral And A Dinner

I went to a funeral for a friend today. It was a full Mass. I hadn't been to anything resembling full Mass since Andrew and I used to make the Midnight Mass rounds at Christmas time. I will preface this by saying I'm not good at funerals. I'm generally not good at anything where emotion is "required". You are expected to cry at weddings and funerals. I'm not really good with that. Most especially funerals.

This was my first funeral Mass and I have to say I hope it's my last. Not being Catholic, I don't follow or understand all the parts where you're supposed to speak up. There were hymns and readings from the Bible. I have to say that while I know Kathleen was devout, there really wasn't much of her in the service. Not until the Eulogies by her sister, brother and two of her best friends. That is when Kathleen appeared at the service. They were lovely speeches. And they got me thinking about life and death and funerals.

I was thinking about if it were my funeral, what would I have wanted. I would have played this song or that, had this reading or that. But then I realized, why the hell would I care? I'll be dead. So if I left explicit instructions as to how I wanted my funeral, that would be a bit narcissistic of me. I'll be dead. None of it will matter to me. What matters is what will help those who mourn me. Assuming, of course, that there will be those who mourn me.

Funerals are always hard. I think that we, in the West and most especially in this country, do not deal with death well. We are expected to take two or three days to grieve and be appropriately stoic with no emotional "outbursts". We are supposed to move on with our lives in a few days. But for those who are close to the person that died, that is awfully unrealistic. I doubt that Kathleen's family and friends will be done with their grief in two or three days. I know that if something ever happened to Patrick or Michael or anyone in my family, it would take me longer than a few days to recover. And it's not fair to expect a person to take three days, recover, and go on like nothing ever happened.

I would not want my funeral to be about pomp and circumstance. I would want my funeral to be...well...fun. I would want people to eat and drink and remember the happy times. I would want people to tell stories - like the time I threw the volleyball and hit some chick in the head or the time I gave myself a black eye trying to close a bay door. I would want people to remember the good things and smile and laugh. I would not want a bunch of black and sadness. I'm not saying that people wouldn't be sad or have a right to be sad. I just don't want my funeral to be a big downer. I would want people to leave feeling better, comforted. Anyway, I know this is morbid and morose. I was just thinking about all this yesterday.

After the funeral, a group of friends took dinner to another friend, whose mother just passed away. She was in Tennessee for three weeks. She took care of her mom and the memorial and the cremation and her dad and a litany of other things while being away from her husband and kids for three weeks. I felt so bad for her having to do all that and be so far away from home. (Though Tennessee is her home, too.) I just felt like she shouldn't have to worry about making dinner for her family when she had a house to clean, pets to visit and her own family to care for. So we took her dinner. It was a surprise because if I had asked her if we could do it, she probably would have said no. And it was good to see her. It was good to have dinner with this group of people who I consider among my best friends on this planet. I told my mom in the car on the way home from the funeral that I wanted to take dinner to my friend because if our situations were reversed, she would do the same for me in a heartbeat. And because I wanted to do somethingfor her. Three weeks of Facebook updates and Blackberry messages, to me, was not enough. I just wanted to let her know that we were all thinking about her.

For me, cooking is part of how I show love. I just wanted her to know that she'd been in my thoughts and if we could do something to make her time a bit easier right now, we would. My apologies for a bit of a morose post. But I have to go with what's on my mind.

Busy Weekend

After pretty much recovering from being sick, I managed to get a lot done today. For me anyway. With all those chores, I did not manage to blog much or even think of a good topic for tonight. Now, I'm just too tired to think of anything good to talk about. So I'm just going to wish you all a goodnight. I'm going to bed.

Change Is Good....Right?

I didn't wake up until 10 this morning. I feel a little bit better, but not 100%. I spent part of the morning packing up all of Patrick's old toys and I must be getting old because there was not a lick of sentimentality to it. I didn't think "Oh, look, there's Patrick Blue's Clues house that he played with for hours." It was more like "I want to box this dusty thing up so I can do something else. I did find some toys that Patrick hadn't even opened so I can give them to Felecity for Christmas. That will save me some money.

I mentioned a while ago that I had been re-arranging my life. I meant that physically and emotionally. I have cleared out my library and turned it into a bedroom for Felecity. Well, I say "I" but it's really been me and Michael. He's done a lot of the work. Most of the bookshelves are in the living room. I had to box up some books. I'm sad about that, but Felecity needs her own room. She can't keep sleeping on the sofa bed. It's good for her to have her own space. Michael and I are going to get her a bed for Christmas. She's using the mattress from Patrick's trundle right now.

At first, I was kind of reluctant to re-arrange my books. I was reluctant to box up books. But I have to say that while I wish I had a bigger house with more room, I like the book cases in the living room. I like being surrounded by my books. It didn't make the room look smaller. It makes the room look like home to me. The physical changes are the most noticeable. But they are not the ones that stay with me the most.

I am sharing my home for the first time in a long time. I haven't had to consult anyone about anything in a long time. That has been an adjustment for me. But I think it's not only necessary  but good. The population doubled at the house. That's been an adjustment for me as well. I'm one who sometimes needs alone time. It was really hard being sick this week. Being a woman (call me a stereotyper), I don't usually get to just be sick. I have to help with showers, get kids up, feed them, etc. It's a never-ending process. It makes it hard for me to get better. But aside from being sick, I have been adjusting to having more people at home. I still manage to get some alone time when I need it. Sometimes it's expected, sometimes it's a surprise. But I do get it.

Don't get me wrong, sharing my house isn't bad. It's good for me. Sharing is always good. I love coming home at night and having someone waiting for me. I like to come home after teaching to a house that isn't empty. I feel like I've found a partner in life. That's a good thing. All the change is worth it. All the adjustment is worth it. I wouldn't change it back if I could. 

For the first time in a long time, I'm happy. Really, truly happy. Things are going well and I love having people to share my life with. Change is inevitable. At least this change has been incredibly good.

Big Eyed Fish

I'm still sick. Damn cold or sinuses or whatever. Here's your iTunes DJ for today.

1. Big Eyed Fish - Dave Matthews Band
2. In My Life - The Beatles
3. I Go To Sleep - Sia
4. #34 - Dave Matthews Band
5. Folk Singer - Brendan Benson
6. Love City - Sly & The Family Stone
7. Bartender - Dave Matthews Band
8. Trouble Sleeping - Corinne Bailey Rae
9. After The Blackbird Sings - The Wallflowers
10. Down On The Street - Rage Against The Machine

The DJ must know I've been listening to a lot of Dave. Ha. Hope you all have a great weekend. It's hockey season. You'll be getting a post on that at some point. Right now, I'm going to lie down and hope my head stops hurting.

Teacher Woman

I'm sick. Whether it's a cold or allergies, I don't know. What I do know is the weather went down like 20 degrees in a day and I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like hell. My head hurts and I've been sneezing every couple minutes and blowing my nose in between. I just feel like I've been hit by a truck.

Being sick aside, my Legal Research class had their final last night. I have mixed feelings about my class. I have a hard time guaging whether I'm doing any good for my students. I don't know if that's because I'm new at teaching or if it's just me. I was a little disappointed in their final assignments. Following directions seems to be an issue. However, they mostly did really well on their final project. They did the research they were supposed to and did pretty well on their oral projects. Sometimes I wish I wasn't teaching so late at night as it affects how I do. But it's also hard to teach something like Legal Research in 11 weeks. I had a year of it in law school. So it's hard to judge how well I've done. I'm sure I'll hear from my boss, who sat in on my last class of the quarter and the survey my students did.

I love teaching but I'm not sure how good I am at it. I also realize that it's not all me. Heald is a technical college and the students are usually out of high school, so they don't have the benefit of college to learn persuasive writing. I need to take that into consideration and probably not be so hard on myself. I should probably not be so hard on myself most of the time for most things.

My next Legal Research class starts a week from Monday. It's another 8 to 10 class. I'm hoping to be able to teach earlier the next quarter. For now I will just keep going because I like to teach and it's the class I have.

I will hopefully be feeling better tomorrow and will post about something more interesting.