Under the Table and Dreaming

Random Acts

Before we left Palm Desert, my mother was complaining that she couldn't find her iPod. I figured that she had packed it already and she would find it when she got home. She called me Sunday morning to report that it was gone. She was getting a new one and could I help her with loading the songs on it (my mom is not technologically advanced to the point that she almost never even turns her cell phone on.) I met her yesterday at my dad's office and as I was loading some cds on her iTunes, I realized that I had packed, but not unpacked my iPod. So it seems that someone got into our room when we were gone and stole our iPods. There was nothing else of value to steal. No cameras or video cameras.

This comes not two weeks after my car was stolen. And it leads me to wonder a few things. First, why does this seem to happen to me during the holidays. This is the third year in a row that something bad has happened to me during the holidays. Second, I must have been a horrid person in another life to have all this bad karma heaped on me in this one. Granted, things could be worse and I realize that. But it still doesn't seem fair to me that this stuff keeps happening. Third, I don't know why some people have no concept of "theirs" and "mine". Plain and simple, keep you hands off things that don't belong to you. I would love to own a Nikon D90. I can't afford to buy one. The thought has never once occurred to me to steal someone else's. I don't know how that works - where a person thinks that they can just take what doesn't belong to them. But I guess I shouldn't be naive or surprised that someone would stoop to stealing my iPod - that survived a tumble off my car and onto Dakota. It sucks because I don't have the means to replace it right now. My dad offered to replace it and I readily accepted on the phone, but am now having second thoughts about that. For reasons I don't completely understand.

I realize that I'm not the nicest person in the world. (Just ask the lady who pissed me off while I was dropping Patrick off at school this morning.) And I also realize that sometimes I think my world is more important than everyone else's. But I also realize that, for the most part, I'm pretty nice. And I've done some pretty nice things this year. I'm not going to make a list because I'm not looking for pats on the back or ego strokes. I'm just saying that I think my nice acts outweigh my bad acts. So why do I feel like I'm being punished by the universe for something? I can only thing of one really bad thing I did - and it was last year to boot - that would warrant such karmic payback. I'm telling the universe right now that I have been sufficiently punished and have learned my lesson.

Despite the recent spate of crap that has landed on me, I'm keeping my chin up and realizing that my car and my iPod are just things. Granted, they are things I love(d), but still just possessions. I have my family and friends who are all in relative good health and that is far more important to me than my iPod with its 6,000 plus songs that are thankfully on my computer, waiting for a new iPod. I have a fantastic boyfriend, the best child a parent could ask for, and the best friends on Earth. So all in all, I think it sucks that bad things happen, but it's not going to drag me down.

Home Is Where The Heart Is

This could be a long post. There also could be some salty language. (I like to put my disclaimers up front.)

I am finally home from my "vacation" in Palm Desert. It's the first time I've ever spent any time in the desert. I have only driven through it when I drive to my aunt's in Yucaipa and take the back way through Tehachapi. This time, I drove the Grapevine and took the 210 to the 10 to Palm Desert. I have to say except for a backup where the 210 hits the Inland Empire and in Beaumont, and some fucking nutty drivers, it wasn't that bad. For those of you unfamiliar with this part of California, I'll try to describe it for you.

Palm Springs and Palm Desert lie in a small valley between two mountain rangers. Whether they are the same range, I don't know. What I do know is driving through that arid land with nothing but tumbleweed bushes and brown is unnerving. Maybe it was because I'd never been down there before, but the drive started to get to me during hour 5. The wind in Fontana was so bad that it was blowing my mom's car all over. When I got to the desert, I really just wanted to be out of the car. I had been in the car for almost 6 hours. Driving through the desert made feel claustrophobic. I can't really explain it. I just felt like the mountains were going to close in on me. It was a very unnerving experience. I thought that it was because I was tired and had already been in the car 6 hours. But I got the same feeling driving home in pouring rain. The desert and I just don't get along. Not to mention that the absolute lack of moisture in the air messed my skin up and made my itchy. But that's pretty much the only complaints I had, aside from being away from Michael.

I got to the resort in Palm Desert where my parents were staying - Shadow Ridge. It was nice - if you like golf. There is a great pool and a water slide for the kids. A basketball court. It was warm, but not overly hot. I didn't pack well, but it's hard to pack summer clothes when you're wearing sweats. I walked with my mom and played lots of basketball with Patrick. Shadow Ridge itself is like a giant hotel. But the rooms have great rooms and kitchens. It was nice, but I wouldn't choose to do Thanksgiving like that again. Patrick was really happy to see me and it was good to see my brother and niece and nephew. But I missed Michael horribly.

Thanksgiving Day, my mom and I walked a couple of miles and then cooked. And cooked. My aunt, uncle, cousin and his wife joined my parents, brother, niece, nephew and Patrick and I. It was a full house, but a good afternoon. We ate and talked and laughed. And that is why Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. Family and food. No gifts, no expectations. Just a lot of good food and a reminder that I have a lot to be thankful for. I played more basketball with Patrick. And went to bed early. And slept badly.

Yesterday, Patrick and I got up early and played basketball. We went to the pool and swam (too hot for laps). We went to the outlet mall in Cabazon - which was a mistake. I never shop the day after Thanksgiving. Ever. And yesterday, I remembered why. Too many people. I can't take that much humanity at one time. Especially since I only bought a couple little things for Felicity and that was it. We went to dinner with my aunt, uncle, cousin and his wife. It was nice, but I was spent by the time we got home. I went to bed early and was up in the middle of the night again. Thankfully TCM was showing Singin In The Rain, so there was something good to watch.

This morning, we got up and headed for home. I've never been happier to get home. The drive seemed to take forever, but in reality, it took less time to get home than it took to get there. It just felt long because I wanted so badly to be home. Getting home and seeing Michael and Felicity was the best feeling ever.

I have spent the afternoon unpacking and marveling at all the yard sale stuff that got sold. We have one more day of yard sale. Whatever doesn't get sold will get donated to somewhere so we can get rid of it. I have papers to grade and some things to do around the house. But that's good. I'm just glad to be home.

More than any other time I can think of, my heart really wasn't in this trip. I missed out on Thanksgiving with Michael. I'm making a Thanksgiving dinner next weekend for him and the kids because I so missed being with him. Absence does not always make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes, it just makes the heart fill with longing. But now, all is right with the world. I am hope and will sleep better tonight because I have someone to curl up next to.

Anniversary

I'm not very girly most of the time. I am not one of those psycho dates who marks a one week anniversary or a one month anniversary. But I am marking an anniversary today. It's my six month anniversary with Michael. It feels like it's gone by so quickly and yet, at the same time, I feel like he's always been there.

When I started internet dating, I never anticipated finding Michael. I figured I'd go on a few dates and endure emails from freaks and spam and what not. I don't know what I really expected, to be honest. I knew I wanted to get out and date again, but past that, I didn't really think much about it. I guess that's why it worked - I had very little in the way of expectations.

I got emails from three people I considered possibilities. One didn't live here. One I'd set up a date with. And then there was Michael. He intrigued me because he seemed, even in his emails, as kind of quiet and shy. He didn't say a lot. But he didn't really have to. I decided to cancel my other date and go out with Michael. There was just something about him that I liked immediately.

People make a big deal out of love at first sight. I didn't believe in it and I still don't. But the night I met Michael for the first time, I knew I liked him. As we have gotten to know each other, I find something new to like about him all the time. Yes, he has his flaws. And sometimes he makes me frustrated or mad. But for the most part, we get along really well. And that first night, as he smiled this shy smile he has, I knew he was going to steal my heart.

He says he loves me the way I am. And I believe him. He says he loves everything about me. And I know he's lying ;-). He says that I'm beautiful. And it doesn't matter if I believe that of myself because he makes me feel it.

I don't give myself up very easily. I don't open up easily and I tend to downplay my emotions. With him, I can't do those things. He knows when I'm worried or upset and knows when I'm lying about being worried or upset. I can't hide from him. He calls me on it. Every time. I think that's good for me. I realize that I can be a frustrating person to deal with. Yet, he continues to to it.

He's a kind person. He's sweet and caring. He does things for me. He's tall and blond and incredibly handsome and I love the smell of his cologne. He's a neat-freak and I've never met anyone as excited as he is that the trash is going to be picked up so he can fill the cans again. He has gotten me to part with stuff I didn't need to be keeping. He has kept me training. He is funny. He is smart. He is articulate. He is shy and quiet. He is strong and sensitive. He has made me a better person. In the end, all we can hope for is that the person we're with makes us happy and brings out the best in us. Michael has done that for me.

Neither of us are perfect. And we have moments where we aren't always nice to each other. But those moments are few and far between. We both are trying really hard to not let our pasts interfere with our present and future. I think we're doing a pretty good job of it.

When I started the internet dating, I never anticipated finding Michael. In him, I have found a partner and protector. A lover and a friend. A shoulder and an ear. I trust him. Completely. I love him. Completely. I know that this is just the beginning of our journey together and I look forward to seeing where we'll go.

Thanksgiving Trip

I promised I would be a better blogger and am not doing a very good job of it. Sorry about that. I really do want to blog more often and about better topics. But I have been trying to tie up loose ends at work and my teaching job so I can take off for Palm Desert with a clear conscience. Which leads me to my post for today. Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. There is no expectation for presents. It's about family and food and realizing that we are lucky to have what we have and live where we live. I'm particularly thankful for my friends, who keep me sane and who are the best people in the world. In years past, I would spend the day cooking and eating and watching the Macy's parade and football. I would go home Thanksgiving night and watch tv or read. Last year, mom and I did the Turkey Trot, which I wa hoping to make a yearly tradition. No so this year.

It's my first Thanksgiving with Michael and we're not spending it together. I'm incredibly sad about that. See, my parents have a Marriott time share. They go to Palm Desert every year, usually in October and spend the week playing golf and whatever else it is they do. Last year, my mother, in what I can only describe as a fit of madness, decided to use the time share Thanksgiving week and have the family come down there for the week. I have several problems with this plan.

Problem #1 - I haven't been all that lucky on the job front. So I have my third different job in the last three Thanksgivings. I don't have a week of vacation to take. Luckily, my boss is letting me take Wednesday off so I don't have to drive on Thanksgiving day.

Problem #2 - I have to drive 6 hours to Palm Desert. Not that I mind that all that much. I have never minded driving. I just am unfamiliar with the route as I have never been there and don't want to get lost. I'm sure it will be fine. I have my Blackberry and can mapquest what I need to.

Problem #3 - I'm missing Turkey Trot. Yes, I realize that's not a huge deal. But it was my first "event" and I wanted to run it this year instead of walking with my mom. Alas, it will have to wait until next year. I'm bummed about that.

Problem #4 - I'm missing a teaching night that I won't get paid for. It's not the $75 that bothers me. It's just that I don't like to miss class. But I'm having them go to the Library and research their final projects or take the make-up midterm, which some of them will need.  

Problem #5 - The biggest problem for me. It's my first Thanksgiving with Michael and I won't be with him. He's staying here to spend the day with his older kids and to have our yard sale. He and I are not happy with the situation. I wanted nothing more than to spend the day with him. And help with the yard sale. But I can't undo the vacation. So Michael and I will spend Thanksgiving apart. It sucks and it's making me moody and sad.

None of these problems are all that large. None of the problems I have with Thanksgiving are bad. I am thankful that I do have someone to share the holidays with this year. I'm thankful for my health and my child's health and my job. I'm thankful for my friends and family. I will definitely be writing a post about what I'm thankful for and why. But right now, I'm trying to adjust my attitude about Thanksgiving so the holiday isn't a total bust.

Doctors Suck

So, I had to go to the doctor today. Nothing's wrong. But they wouldn't refill my prescription unless I went in. So I did. And I got on the scale, only to see that I've gained weight. Ugh. And to be told that my blood pressure is bordering on high. That's the first time that's ever happened. So I was told I had to lose weight.

I will be the first one to admit that I have not been training much lately. My hip has prevented me from doing long miles. And I haven't been eating as well as I should. I just don't understand how my blood pressure was fine three months ago and now it's bordering on high. I guess things like that happen. And I shouldn't be surprised to the extent that high blood pressure is all over both sides of my family. I was just hoping to avoid that particular malady.

So, I have to eat better and exercise more. Which is theory is fine. In practice it's much harder. But I will do it because I need to. Michael was trying to make me feel better by saying 5 pounds isn't a lot. In and of itself, no. But the fact that those 5 pounds raised my blood pressure bothers me.

Of course, I'm failing to mention the tremendous amount of stress I've had this week with the car situation, the work piling up on me, and some other stuff going on. And I've had no outlet for it. So I suppose it really shouldn't surprise me that my blood pressure is up. Most fat people have high blood pressure. That doesn't mean I accept it or will be complacent about it. It just means that I realize I'm more apt to that type of condition. And I also realize that I'm getting older and that's when shit starts going wrong.

On an entirely different note, I'm reading "The Good Soldiers" by David Finkel. I HIGHLY recommend it. It's about a battalion of soldiers during the surge in Iraq in 2007. It is making me wonder if anything any politician of EITHER party says is the least bit true or accurate. The vision the politicians had and the reality on the ground were two totally different things. Anyway, the book is really fantastic. As good as hyped.

Just Breathe

I have recovered a little bit of my composure from the car thing. I have no idea when it will be drivable or what the estimate is. I'm waiting to find out. Until then, I'm just thankful they found it without more damage.

This has turned into a more hectic week than I'd anticipated. Aside from the car, I've been incredibly busy at work. But I'm keeping my head above water and will work this weekend to continue to do so and in the hope that I can take next Wednesday off. I gave my class their midterms on Monday. Unfortunately, I have not graded it yet, so they are going to have to wait until Monday to get the results. That's life.

Last night, I spent two hours calling Team In Trianing participants and thanking them for their participation with TNT. I volunteered to do it because (1) I want to help and (2) I usually volunteer to help for stuff. I didn't expect it to be as much fun as it was. Coach Jenny was there and she and I got to chat in between phone calls. It was a reminder of how much I miss Team. But talking to the participants and hearing the surprise in their voices when they learned it was a thank you call and not asking for anything was great. I was complaining a bit yesterday because I was tired from class Monday night and from the trauma of the car stuff, but I'm so glad I did it. It was a good way to build some karma and I seem to need that.

Tonight, I'm teaching. A lecture-filled two hours as I have to make up for not teaching Wednesday last week and giving the midterm on Monday. Tomorrow and Friday, I'm going to pack Patrick. He's going to Palm Desert for Thanksgiving with my parents on Sunday. I am trying to leave early Wednesday morning to go down there.

My mind is turning and won't stop. I just keep thinking about all the things I need to get done and how far behind I am. Ugh. I hate that feeling. It makes it hard to sleep. Plus, I still feel a little on edge after the car was stolen. I'm not one to be lax about locking doors and whatnot. I've had my fair share of incidents. But it still unnerves me to think it was stolen right out from under me and I didn't hear it.

I am trying my best to be calm. I can't cry over spilled milk and I can't undo what's already done. All I can do is just go on. The one good thing I've learned in the last year is that you can drown yourself in a sea of regret or you can keep swimming. So I keep swimming. It also helps that I have such a wonderful partner to help me through times like these. Sometimes, a simple thing like a hug or a squeeze of the hand goes a long way to making things better.

This Day Has Sucked

My car was stolen from out in front of my house. That was how my day ended. The police recovered it - well, most of it. It's missing its trunk, hood, fenders, stereo, and has a jacked up ignition.



Yes, I am glad it was recovered and that it's mostly in one piece. But. I'm still upset and still has a "why me" moment earlier.



I wish I lived some where that I don't have to worry about my car being stolen or double-checking the locks on the doors at night. Since that isn't the case, I will just have to accept that some people are just fuckers who don't understand that they can't have what's not theirs.

Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

The Girl In The Photograph

The hallway wall in my house is covered from floor to ceiling in photographs. Most of them, I have taken. They are from all the places I have been. There's a picture on the wall of me and my friend Robi, atop the Arch d'Triomphe, with the Eiffel Tower in the background. We are both wearing sunglasses and I'm a lot skinnier. I went on the trap in June and July of 1995. It seems like a century ago.

I was looking at the picture earlier and wondering if I knew then what I know now, would I have just stayed in Europe? Would I have broken up with crackhead when I got home? Would I have opted not to go to law school? I look at that picture and wonder how much of her is left. Would she be happy with who she became?

She certainly never would have anticipated being a parent. She probably would not have anticipated not being able to pass the bar exam. She might have still followed the same path. Because mostly I think you can't change the future.

Michael and I have been watching Heroes at night. His cousin lent the first season to us. I'm most intrigued by the characters' attempts to change the future. "Save the cheerleader, save the world". I don't think that things are necessarily pre-destined, but I do thing that the things that happen do happen for a reason. And sometimes, those reasons are not readily apparent to us. Sometimes, the reasons don't appear until much farther down the road.

So while I wonder if the girl in the picture would approve of the person I am, I know it really doesn't matter. I have lived my life. I can't go back and change anything. The only thing I can do is try to be the person she thought she was going to be within the limitations I have now.

I had my feelings hurt by two people very close to me today. So forgive this post if it's a little melancholy and sorrowful. I've just about had all I can take today.

Discipline

Discipline and I seem to have parted ways recently. I'm being a flaky blogger. I have not been training very much, if at all. It's been well over a week since I've ran and a lot longer than that since I've been on the bike. Yes, I've been using my hip as an excuse. But really - I just haven't felt like it. I've been eating badly and not sleeping. This seems to be a fall affliction for me. I had the same problems last fall and winter.

In theory, I love fall. It's  It's supposed to be my favorite season. I love the food and the colors and the relief from the oppressive heat of summer. But I find as I get older that while I do love fall, a melancholy kind of sets in. I attribute it to my seasonal insomnia. But maybe it's more than that.

I realize that I'm not always the most disciplined person in the world. I tend to procrastinate with things I don't want to do. And you all know that I'm not a neat-freak. But this time of year seems particularly hard for me to get motivated to do the things that I don't have a problem doing the rest of the year. I wish I had an answer as to why this happens. All I know is I've been tired and haven't felt like doing much of anything lately.

I'm supposed to go on a bike ride tomorrow, despite my aching hip. I want to ride about 30 miles. But in all reality, I probably won't. I should just accept that whatever mileage I do is better than none. Assuming, of course, I actually get on my bike. We'll see.

Once I figure out what's causing my lethargy, I will be able to fix it. Until then, I'm just going to do the best I can.

What I Did Today

So, I said when I was back that I was going to blog more regularly and then I didn't. Sorry. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I just get busy and tired and then I get lazy. Today was a busy day, but I'm waiting for Patrick to get out of the shower so I have a few minutes.

I went to a funeral today. My third this year. I'm not used to attending so many funerals. This funeral was for my boss' business partner. I didn't know him well, but I knew him. He found out that I did triathlons (he was into mountain biking and body building) and every time he saw me, he would say, "Swim, bike, run?" And I would say, "Yep" and he would comment about how much he respected how hard that was. He was nice to me. He died young - 47. The service was a graveside service. I'm not fond of those, but really, I'm just not fond of funerals. It was a nice service. But sad.

Afterward, I came home and sorted the yard sale toys. I picked up Patrick, ran errands, came home and cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. A lot of activity, but since I slept last night I have more energy. I'm kind of fading as I write this.

I was going to write a long, philosophical post about the meaning of life and not taking any of it for granted, but I'm kind of mentally burnt right now. And the post I want to write is inside me, but not ready to be put on a computer screen yet. Both the funeral and my thinking about being almost half way through my life will probably work into one post. I just don't know where I'm going with it yet.

In the mean time, I will try to have something more cohesive tomorrow. You may have noticed that I have, for the most part, been avoiding politics. I have done so for several reasons, the biggest of which being that I'm just tired of the divisive, name-calling, nonsense that goes on. Politicians would rather blow smoke than deal with reality and the hard facts that we are facing. So I don't feel like calling them on the carpet for it right now. So until I feel like talking about it, I'm not going to.