The hallway wall in my house is covered from floor to ceiling in photographs. Most of them, I have taken. They are from all the places I have been. There's a picture on the wall of me and my friend Robi, atop the Arch d'Triomphe, with the Eiffel Tower in the background. We are both wearing sunglasses and I'm a lot skinnier. I went on the trap in June and July of 1995. It seems like a century ago.
I was looking at the picture earlier and wondering if I knew then what I know now, would I have just stayed in Europe? Would I have broken up with crackhead when I got home? Would I have opted not to go to law school? I look at that picture and wonder how much of her is left. Would she be happy with who she became?
She certainly never would have anticipated being a parent. She probably would not have anticipated not being able to pass the bar exam. She might have still followed the same path. Because mostly I think you can't change the future.
Michael and I have been watching Heroes at night. His cousin lent the first season to us. I'm most intrigued by the characters' attempts to change the future. "Save the cheerleader, save the world". I don't think that things are necessarily pre-destined, but I do thing that the things that happen do happen for a reason. And sometimes, those reasons are not readily apparent to us. Sometimes, the reasons don't appear until much farther down the road.
So while I wonder if the girl in the picture would approve of the person I am, I know it really doesn't matter. I have lived my life. I can't go back and change anything. The only thing I can do is try to be the person she thought she was going to be within the limitations I have now.
I had my feelings hurt by two people very close to me today. So forgive this post if it's a little melancholy and sorrowful. I've just about had all I can take today.
I think that there are always things that people would change...lord knows I'd like a do-over on many parts of my life.
Posted by: Katrina | November 16, 2009 at 03:47 AM