Under the Table and Dreaming

One Funeral And A Dinner

I went to a funeral for a friend today. It was a full Mass. I hadn't been to anything resembling full Mass since Andrew and I used to make the Midnight Mass rounds at Christmas time. I will preface this by saying I'm not good at funerals. I'm generally not good at anything where emotion is "required". You are expected to cry at weddings and funerals. I'm not really good with that. Most especially funerals.

This was my first funeral Mass and I have to say I hope it's my last. Not being Catholic, I don't follow or understand all the parts where you're supposed to speak up. There were hymns and readings from the Bible. I have to say that while I know Kathleen was devout, there really wasn't much of her in the service. Not until the Eulogies by her sister, brother and two of her best friends. That is when Kathleen appeared at the service. They were lovely speeches. And they got me thinking about life and death and funerals.

I was thinking about if it were my funeral, what would I have wanted. I would have played this song or that, had this reading or that. But then I realized, why the hell would I care? I'll be dead. So if I left explicit instructions as to how I wanted my funeral, that would be a bit narcissistic of me. I'll be dead. None of it will matter to me. What matters is what will help those who mourn me. Assuming, of course, that there will be those who mourn me.

Funerals are always hard. I think that we, in the West and most especially in this country, do not deal with death well. We are expected to take two or three days to grieve and be appropriately stoic with no emotional "outbursts". We are supposed to move on with our lives in a few days. But for those who are close to the person that died, that is awfully unrealistic. I doubt that Kathleen's family and friends will be done with their grief in two or three days. I know that if something ever happened to Patrick or Michael or anyone in my family, it would take me longer than a few days to recover. And it's not fair to expect a person to take three days, recover, and go on like nothing ever happened.

I would not want my funeral to be about pomp and circumstance. I would want my funeral to be...well...fun. I would want people to eat and drink and remember the happy times. I would want people to tell stories - like the time I threw the volleyball and hit some chick in the head or the time I gave myself a black eye trying to close a bay door. I would want people to remember the good things and smile and laugh. I would not want a bunch of black and sadness. I'm not saying that people wouldn't be sad or have a right to be sad. I just don't want my funeral to be a big downer. I would want people to leave feeling better, comforted. Anyway, I know this is morbid and morose. I was just thinking about all this yesterday.

After the funeral, a group of friends took dinner to another friend, whose mother just passed away. She was in Tennessee for three weeks. She took care of her mom and the memorial and the cremation and her dad and a litany of other things while being away from her husband and kids for three weeks. I felt so bad for her having to do all that and be so far away from home. (Though Tennessee is her home, too.) I just felt like she shouldn't have to worry about making dinner for her family when she had a house to clean, pets to visit and her own family to care for. So we took her dinner. It was a surprise because if I had asked her if we could do it, she probably would have said no. And it was good to see her. It was good to have dinner with this group of people who I consider among my best friends on this planet. I told my mom in the car on the way home from the funeral that I wanted to take dinner to my friend because if our situations were reversed, she would do the same for me in a heartbeat. And because I wanted to do somethingfor her. Three weeks of Facebook updates and Blackberry messages, to me, was not enough. I just wanted to let her know that we were all thinking about her.

For me, cooking is part of how I show love. I just wanted her to know that she'd been in my thoughts and if we could do something to make her time a bit easier right now, we would. My apologies for a bit of a morose post. But I have to go with what's on my mind.

Change Is Good....Right?

I didn't wake up until 10 this morning. I feel a little bit better, but not 100%. I spent part of the morning packing up all of Patrick's old toys and I must be getting old because there was not a lick of sentimentality to it. I didn't think "Oh, look, there's Patrick Blue's Clues house that he played with for hours." It was more like "I want to box this dusty thing up so I can do something else. I did find some toys that Patrick hadn't even opened so I can give them to Felecity for Christmas. That will save me some money.

I mentioned a while ago that I had been re-arranging my life. I meant that physically and emotionally. I have cleared out my library and turned it into a bedroom for Felecity. Well, I say "I" but it's really been me and Michael. He's done a lot of the work. Most of the bookshelves are in the living room. I had to box up some books. I'm sad about that, but Felecity needs her own room. She can't keep sleeping on the sofa bed. It's good for her to have her own space. Michael and I are going to get her a bed for Christmas. She's using the mattress from Patrick's trundle right now.

At first, I was kind of reluctant to re-arrange my books. I was reluctant to box up books. But I have to say that while I wish I had a bigger house with more room, I like the book cases in the living room. I like being surrounded by my books. It didn't make the room look smaller. It makes the room look like home to me. The physical changes are the most noticeable. But they are not the ones that stay with me the most.

I am sharing my home for the first time in a long time. I haven't had to consult anyone about anything in a long time. That has been an adjustment for me. But I think it's not only necessary  but good. The population doubled at the house. That's been an adjustment for me as well. I'm one who sometimes needs alone time. It was really hard being sick this week. Being a woman (call me a stereotyper), I don't usually get to just be sick. I have to help with showers, get kids up, feed them, etc. It's a never-ending process. It makes it hard for me to get better. But aside from being sick, I have been adjusting to having more people at home. I still manage to get some alone time when I need it. Sometimes it's expected, sometimes it's a surprise. But I do get it.

Don't get me wrong, sharing my house isn't bad. It's good for me. Sharing is always good. I love coming home at night and having someone waiting for me. I like to come home after teaching to a house that isn't empty. I feel like I've found a partner in life. That's a good thing. All the change is worth it. All the adjustment is worth it. I wouldn't change it back if I could. 

For the first time in a long time, I'm happy. Really, truly happy. Things are going well and I love having people to share my life with. Change is inevitable. At least this change has been incredibly good.

I'm Back!

My laptop is back. Thank God. I can finally do my lecture notes for the two classes that are left on the computer. I can finish some forms I need to finish for some friends, and I can enjoy blogging and Facebook from home. I realized in the time my laptop was down, that I'm entirely too attached to my electronic devices. I feel somewhat better about this addiction in that I have managed to read more books this year than last year. I still make time to read and do other things. I just love me my technology.

I had a post all figured out last night. I didn't get to it as time slipped away with Patrick's football game, dinner, three kids to bathe and get homework done. So I started this post and never got back to it. I shouldn't be writing right now. I should be preparing tonight's assignment for my students, but I have faith that I'll get it done. 

I had an idea for a post but now, can't remember what it is. I have a bunch of topics swirling in my brain, but they are half-thoughts and less than half sentences. I want to talk about Obama's speech to the UN - long over due, the very disturbing plan for Afghanistan advanced by Joe Biden, the fact that I'm a de facto mom to three kids (mine included) and how I feel about that, the re-arrangement in my home and I how I feel about that, and the fact that I'm tired of listening to pundits and television and radio hosts monger hate and feed on irrational and untrue fears. But since my blog only has three readers who mostly agree with me, I'm sensing the last one is mostly useless.

Just know that I have things in the works and I promise to be more prolific now that my laptop is back and working. I'm not intentionally neglecting you, please know that. I'm just busy and trying to figure out a schedule that allows for everything I want to do.

Ruling The Roost

Not having a computer at home sucks - ass. Supposedly, UPS is delivering my adapter tomorrow morning. I cannot wait. Not just because I can blog again from home. But because I don't have to do my lecture notes for class by hand. While I don't spend nearly as much time on my computer at home as I did before I started dating, I still miss it. Something as simple as looking up information on Google. I can do it from my Blackberry, which I love. But even my Blackberry has limitations. Typing on that little keyboard gets tedious. Hence, Becky's birthday post being so short. So, by tomorrow things should be back to normal....or as normal as anything gets in my life.

I said I was going to blog about something big last week and then never got around to doing it. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk about it, I just got busy at work and not having a computer at home hampers my ability to blog. So today's the day.

Patrick has been telling everyone he knows that he's unhappy with me. He is feeling like he's not getting enough attention from me because Michael and his daughter are around so much. First, I have had...I don't know, six conversations with him about how he is the most important thing in my life and that if he didn't like Michael, I wouldn't be dating him. I have repeatedly told him that my busy schedule doesn't have that much to do with Michael. I had two jobs and trained for triathlons before I started dating him. It's just that I have less free time where it's just me and Patrick. I have told him that I will always love him but that my heart has room to love more than one person.

He tells me everything is fine. But. He's complained to my parents and to his father about it. Frankly, that pisses me off. I'm not going to tell Patrick that I'm pissed because he'll just cry over it. But it does make me mad. I know he's only 8. I know that this is the first time in his life he's had to share me with someone else. I know that it's hard for him to not be the complete center of attention any more. But I think that is also good for him. He's learning how to deal with others and how to compromise. I'm not unsympathetic to his feelings. Thought, not having been an only child, I can't empathize with him. But, I'm not giving up this relationship because he's upset that he has to share me.

I'm learning, through this relationship, that it's a balancing act. I understand where Patrick is coming from and am trying very hard to make sure that he gets the attention he needs and deserves. But he's 8. He does not rule the roost. I'm not going to let him dictate my happiness. If he did not like Michael or if Michael was mean to Patrick, that would be an entirely different story. In fact, Michael and I were talking about how important it is for your kids to like the person you date. We have both said that we would not continue in a relationship where our kids did not like our significant others. We're both lucky in that his kids like me and Patrick likes him. Since that is not the case, I'm going to stick it out with Michael. And Patrick is going to have to adjust to sharing me.

Sometimes, I feel like a very selfish person for wanting to be happy. For wanting to be in love. I feel like I'm compromising raising Patrick for it. Realistically, I know I'm not. I've been responsible about this. I have tried to balance everyone's wants and needs. Yes, sometimes Patrick will lose out on time with me. But sometimes, he chooses not to spend time with me and I'm making him accountable for that. I know that I will be a better parent to Patrick if I'm happy and balanced. I know that this relationship will set a good example for him. Michael and I rarely argue and we get along really well. We're appropriately affectionate with each other around the kids and I hope we are setting a good example of how a relationship works and how you should treat your significant other.

I know that a period of adjustment is inevitable. I know there will be some acting out. I know that Patrick's patience have been and will continue to be tested. But I think even he will come to realize that, in the end, that he will have brothers and sisters to play with and grow up with. And hopefully, when he's old enough, he'll treat his girlfriend the way Michael treats me and that his girlfriend will treat him the way I treat Michael. Until then, I will have to tolerate the adjustment period.

A Year To Remember

It was about this time last year that I, in a fit of alcohol-induced madness, told Becky I would do a triathlon. It was the beginning of a year of massive change in my life. I was thinking about whether I'd really changed the other day. The moment of introspection was brought on by an encounter with someone I had last week. I ran into someone I hadn't talked to in about a year. The person I ran into was involved in a chain of events that caused me a great deal of pain and was part of the reason that all the change in my life happened. At the time, I didn't really understand why I had to go through all that. I think now, I do.

A year ago, I started walking with my mom. It was painful to walk two miles and she slowed down for me. Having been athletic most of my life, it was embarrassing to me that I was so fat and out of shape. But complaining about it wouldn't do anything about it. My goal was to complete the Surf City Half Marathon in January. That didn't happen. But I started walking. I started riding a bike. All of that culminated in May when I did Wildflower. I went from sitting on the couch to doing triathlons. It's an achievement I can only take partial credit for. Team In Training gets most of the credit. Well, my amazing coaches should get the credit. For the first time in my life, I did something to give back in a substantial way. I also learned a lot about who I am.

Before I started training for the triathlon, however, I had a major falling out with someone who'd been a very close friend for a very long time. It was very painful for me. I'm not very good at dealing with emotions and this particular situation brought out a bunch of them. I don't let that many people in as far as this person was let it. So losing the friendship hurt especially bad. Gradually, I moved on. I had no choice. I had to protect myself and moving on was part of that.

If this had happened before I'd committed to doing the triathlon and met new people, I probably would have caved and went back to being friends, even though it would have been more painful and unhealthy for me to do so. Mostly because I didn't have the mental and emotional strength to let go. That's always been a problem of mine. I tended to latch on to people and not let go, even when my logical self knew it was unwise to continue with the relationship.

One of the best things that doing triathlons has done for me is made me mentally and emotionally tough. So much limitation in our lives are self-imposed. I never realized how much negative self-talk I engaged in until I started training. "I can't" popped into my head more often than not. It still does. The difference is now, I don't pay attention. I have stopped talking myself out of things. I have started to realize that doubt is normal. Stopping myself from trying is the part that was hurting me. I realize that I will probably never win my age group in a triathlon. I will probably always be slow. But I don't do it to win. I do it to challenge myself. I do it to push my limits and to learn how much I can do. I have tried replacing "I can't" with "I can" as often as I'm consciously aware of it.

Finishing two triathlons when I was feeling so bad both times showed me what I'm made of. And even though, in both cases, I kept thinking at each transition "I can't", I just kept going. Sometimes you need to stop listening to your mind. And you need to push past pain. Emotional pain, physical pain, spiritual pain. You can always push through. And what you get on the other side is the reward of being a stronger person.

Had I not done the triathlon, had I not participated with Team, had I not met new friends and a new boyfriend, the encounter with this person last week would have been so much harder than it was. But as I was talking to this person, I realized that I hadn't missed the person in a very long time. And while it was nice to see the person, the old feelings were gone. Replaced by feelings of apathy. I know that doesn't sound nice. But it is what I felt. It was a sign to me that I'd moved on. It was a sign that I had changed.

I no longer have room in my life for people who aren't nice to me. I don't have room for people who don't care about anyone but themselves. I have spent a long time clinging to people just because I've known them a long time. But I have realized over the last year that my true friends, the ones who rode me through the fallout of last year, and my new friends are different people. They are nice and kind. They care and understand how friendship is truly supposed to work.

Most important of all, I have a boyfriend who is kind. Who loves me the way I am. Who accepts that I have some odd quirks, but loves me for them. Who is sweet and caring. Who has shown me what love really is supposed to be. It's opened my eyes to so many things. Mostly it's made me so thankful that things worked out the way they did. For if the events of the last year hadn't happened the way they did, I would not have been prepared to have this relationship. And I most likely wouldn't have met him. But I can't take all the credit. One friend pushed me with a challenge to "get brave" and start dating and that is what put the wheels in motion.

So when I was looking back on the last year a few days ago, I didn't think I'd changed much. But as I took inventory of the things I'd done and the way I was feeling about my encounter with the former friend, I realized that the change has been drastic. And wholly positive. I'm happier, more confident, and stronger than I ever thought it was possible to be. And life, while challenging at times, just keeps getting better.

I Know What My Problem Is....

I am crabby. Michael left for Texas this afternoon. He's taking his step-dad to live with his sister. His step-dad has been diagnosed with cancer. Michael's sister works in the medical profession (I forget what she does) and will be able to care for her step-dad. So Michael decided to take him. I was originally supposed to go. But I just couldn't swing it. It's my last weekend of training before the triathlon and I need it since I missed training last week. Anyway, I think it's really nice of him to drive his dad to San Antonio. But I'm finding the more I get to know him, the more he's just like that. He does things without thinking about what's in it for him.

As someone said to me today, he and I do things for each other and not to each other. Such a simple phrase but it means a lot. Most people spend a lot of time doing things with ultimate goal being what's in it for them. They look for the benefit they receive from the acts they do. It's rare that there are people who do things without thinking about what they get out of it. I'm not saying MIchael is a saint. Nor am I. What I am saying is that for the first time in my life, I'm in a relationship with someone who does things for me. Without my asking. He just does them to be nice to me. And because he's nice. And I do things for him because I want to. Not because of any reward I may receive.

Too often in life we are confronted with people who only are around when they want or need something and who only do things for you when they get a benefit out of it. I think that I have suffered from having those people in my life a lot. I'm a nice person, generally speaking, and it's hard for me to say no when people ask for things. I think there are people who readily take advantage of that. Michael is not one of those people. And I love him even more for that. 

In all the time I've spent changing this year, I have come to realize that I had surrounded myself with some people who were largely in my life to get out of me what they could. They didn't do things to help me. They did things to me and not for me. Or did things that made them look good, regardless of the consequences to me.

It's hard for me to come to the realization of what my life has been missing because it necessitates my looking at the choices I've made and relaized how bad they've been. But then it also makes my new friends and most especially my relationship with Michael that much sweeter because I truly see and appreciate those who are nice to me without expectation of something for them. Or people doing things for me just because. Like bringing me M&Ms at work when I needed a chocolate fix. Or putting out my trash cans. Or being an ear and a shoulder when I feel like the world is crashing down around me. People who do these things for me because they like me. Because they understand the meaning of love and friendship. It makes me realize just how lucky I am. It also makes me realize that I must be a pretty damn good person to get all that in return.

So I'm cranky because Michael's gone. But I admire that he would spend so much of his time and effort and holiday weekend to take care of his step-dad, who wasn't always very nice to Michael. He seems to be a very forgiving person. He's kind and wants to make sure his step-dad gets the right kind of care and is taken care of for as many days as he has left. So while I may be mopey and missing Michael, I'm happy about what he's doing. It says a lot about who he is. It's just too bad more people can't be like that.

Adjustments

My boyfriend has 4 kids. I knew when I started dating again that if I wanted to date anyone close to my age, they would probably have kids. The older you get, the higher the probability. Plus I figured that if I was going to date someone who was willing to accept Patrick, then I had to be ready to accept his kids as well. And in that respect, I'm very lucky.

His kids are very nice. They are polite and well-behaved. They are good to Patrick. Michael just got custody of his youngest daughter. She had been living with her mom and was neglected. She has some speech issues, but by and large, has adapted really well to being with Michael. She has also adjusted really well to me and Patrick. Patrick has been very sweet and very patient with her. This has all been a really big adjustment for him.

He told me yesterday at the bookstore that he wasn't sure I loved him as much as I used to. It broke my heart. I told him that he is always my number one priority and that I will always love him. I told him that there is enough room in my heart to love more than one person. I think that it's going to take him a while to understand that. But Michael will be out of town this weekend so Patrick and I will have an opportunity to spend some time together and that will be good for both of us. This summer was too busy for us and we spent entirely too much time apart.

While Patrick has adjusted pretty well to having more kids in his life and Michael being around, I have had to adjust as well. Instead of being a mom to just Patrick, I'm a part-time mom when Michael's older kids are over. And his youngest has started calling me mom. I have to admit I'm a bit freaked about this. But at the same time, it feels right. I'm now used to more than one kid in the house. My parenting style doesn't change. And she seems to listen to me and do what I ask.

Michael and I had a conversation yesterday about how hard it is raising a kid by yourself or having your kid the majority of the time. You always have to be the bad guy. You have to do everything. I have to say that I truly appreciate that Michael helps me with things around the house. He does the laundry so I don't have to. He cleans. He does dishes. That leaves less for me to do. I know that one day we will get to the point where we are comfortable enough with each other's kids that we will no longer have to be the only bad guy. And I will get used to someone other than Patrick calling me mom.

I was thinking the other day about how much change this year has brought to my life. And I have to say that when I stop to really consider where I started and where I am now, it's a bit stupefying. The changes have mostly been good, but they have been life-changing. I am glad for all change - the good and the bad - because it all leads me to be the person I am. And keeps on the road to the person I will continue to evolve to be. And if that means getting used to other kids calling me "mom", then I'm happy with that as well.

Lesson Learned

I just finished reading "Julie and Julia" for book club. I'm on the fence about the book. I like the way she writes. But I found the book to be a bit disjointed. I did learn from the book, which is always good. I learned that I'm never going to own or cook from Mastering the Art of French Cooking. I have no desire to eat kidneys and brains and whatnot. But that's not really what I want to talk about.

The end of the book got to me a bit. It made me realize something. Sometimes, you life changes in subtle ways and sometimes it changes in large ways. How you deal with or recognize that change can have a profound effect on your life. When Julie embarked on her project, she wasn't sure why she did it except that she was going to turn 30 and was a temp secretary and wanted something more. Something I can totally identify with. the difference was that she had her partner to go on the journey with her and support her.

When I started this year, I was unemployed and alone. But I found a job (two of them actually). I started training with Team In Training. And my life changed. Profoundly. Not only did I give something back, not only did I get immeasurable joy from teaching and training, not only did I show my son by example what it means to never give up, but I started to like myself. I started to feel better about my life. I started to feel good about myself. I started to like myself for the first time since I can remember.

Julie had something similar happen. She's a writer now. What started as a challenge to herself for reasons that she couldn't identify, ended with her doing what she wanted to do. This confirmed my belief that you will never grow as long as you remain comfortable.

I am uncomfortable being a parent. I constantly think I'm screwing Patrick up. I think I'm selfish and don't spend enough time with him. I do not punish enough. I do not praise enough. Etc, etc. But I realize that because I'm so uncomfortable being a parent, I'm probably pretty good at being one.

I am uncomfortable being a girlfriend. I think I'm screwing that up constantly as well. I'm - alternately - clingy and pushing him away. I am difficult. I'm used to doing things my way. I'm not the easiest person to deal with some times. But I realize these things and try really hard to not do them. Sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not. I'm just thankful that I have a boyfriend who's willing to stick with me. He is showing me that I don't have to be afraid he'll leave. I don't have to be afraid he'll call me names. I don't have to be afraid of letting myself like him or fall in love with him. I'm learning to trust not only him, but myself. He's good to me and he's good to Patrick. And despite my discomfort at being a girlfriend, I think I'm okay at it and getting better. 

Life is all about change. It's all about learning. As far as I'm concerned anyway. I will keep challenging myself and keep pushing myself outside my comfort zone. Because i have found that when I do, I become a better person.

So while I may not have been in love with "Julie and Julia", I did learn something from the book. And that's what it's all about for me.

Melancholy & The Infinite Sadness

Yes, I'm stealing the title from Smashing Pumpkins. And here's a little no-so-secret for you, my three loyal readers - I hate Smashing Pumpkins. A voice has rarely grated on me as badly as Billy Corrigan's does. I also hate the Foo Fighters and Cold Play. I consider myself to have excellent taste in music and this probably knocks me down a bit in your eyes (if you thought I had good taste to begin with.) But, it is what it is. I hate Smashing Pumpkins (and Foo Fighters and Cold Play), but I love the title of their CD. It's so perfect and lyrical.

I'm in a sad mood today. No particular reason. I talked about dropping Patrick off at a birthday party for the first time. But that's really only part of it. I have a lot on my mind - as I usually do. But I'm most fixated on two things: (1) my friends and (2) my boyfriend. They are interrelated.

I love my friends, you all know that. They (you) are the glue that hold my life together. I'm not sure if it's because I have a boyfriend now or if it's because I've changed or am just busy. But I feel a bit of a disconnect between me and my friends. I would like to think I haven't turned into one of those women who abandons their friends when a new man enters her life. I do not think I am. But I also think that it's been so long since I've had a boyfriend, that I'm not sure.

I have talked here before about how I feel distanced from some of my oldest and closest friends. I do not believe that this has to do with my boyfriend. I think it has more to do with the changes I've been through. I'm a different person than I was than this year started. I think that these changes, while positive for me, have been a strain on my relationships. Changes in me have meant that some relationship dynamics have changed as well. It's all an adjustment. And where I will come out on the other side with all this, I don't know. I do know, however, that I'm glad that I have changed. I just hope that this change hasn't destroyed any of my friendships. It's been on my mind.

I'm also feeling a bit melancholy about my boyfriend. Don't get me wrong - there's not trouble in paradise. I'm just not used to being in a relationship. Sometimes, I do not know how to act. Sometimes, I am too clingy. Sometimes, I push him away. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed. I know this is probably normal. But I was alone for so long, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do. My boyfriend is such a good person. I irrationally think that he's going to wake up one day and figure out that I'm crazy or clingy or some other reason to leave. I know that's just my insecurity. But it's there. And I don't want to turn this into a self-fulfilling prophecy by thinking that he'll walk away. I have to be able to take him at his word - that he loves me and he's not going any where. I suppose being scared of life with him and life without him is normal. I supposed being scared to let him and pushing him away are normal for someone who's been down the road I have.

I do know that this feeling of sadness will pass. It's more a product of my being really tired than anything else. But I worry nonetheless. The worry and the insecurity are probably going to be the last thing to go with me. But I am going to try to work on it.

In the mean time, I'm just going to continue to be me. I cannot really control whether my friendships stay the same or evolve or end. I can only do my part. I do have some control over what happens with my boyfriend. So I'm going to stop the incessant worrying that I'm not a good girlfriend. I'm going to quit wondering why he loves me. Because I know that I'm a pretty lovable person. And I know that he sees all the good qualities I have, even if I don't see them.

And with that, I already feel somewhat better.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Change is part of life. Not a part of life that I'm good with. I never really have been. I don't like to move. I don't like to change jobs -though now I'm some what used to that. I don't like to lose friends. I love Patrick growing up but the change kills me. I understand that it's part of life and that it is inevitable. I just tend to fight it as much as I can.

The last year has been full of change. Most of it has been good. Some of it has been painful. But I guess all of it was necessary. I never considered the fact that as I made efforts to improve myself, and as I changed, that some people in my life wouldn't be supportive or like the changes. I have been really struggling with a change in a long-term friendship.I suppose I should have realized that some people would not be accepting or supportive of my quest to become a better person.

I usually assume that when I make friends with someone, they are going to be my friend for the foreseeable future. I also tend to assume that the dynamic of the friendship will remain the same. It's probably naive of me to assume that as all people grow and change over time and some times you grow and change apart. And some times you change and grow apart with people you thought it would never happen with.

Over this past year, my life has changed in so many ways. I have gained and more jobs and friends than at any other time in my life. But I have also become a different person. I don't see it as much as others do. But I know that I have. I'm a more positive person. I have lost weight and started to get in shape. I have learned to accept myself. And because I have learned to accept myself, I have been able to let someone into my life who is such a great person. I've been able to let go and not try to control everything that goes on. I have learned that forgiving myself is just as important as my ability to forgive anyone else.

I have learned that some people are not who I thought they were. I have also learned that while I may have loved those people, it's best to let them go. And that's hard. I don't like letting go. I don't like losing friendships. But I realize that liking change really has nothing to do with it. Change happens, like it or not. The trick is learning to accept it. And I'm still working on that. I'm still realizing that sometimes no matter how hard you fight it, change happens and it's not always the change you want. You grow apart from people. You change. They change.

I have a habit of looking at my friends with blinders on. I see all their good qualities and none of their bad qualities. And let's face it - we all have bad qualities. But I tend to put them on pedestals and ignore the bad things. That's really not a good thing to do. Because when you are friends with someone you need to be able to see them as they are. And accept their bad qualities. Just as the accept mine. But sometimes, I have such blinders on that I really don't see things that end up being a major problem down the road.

I have to accept that some of the relationships in my life are changing. Some for the better, some for the worst. I know that things will end up the way they are supposed to. I know that the people who stay are the one who will be with me forever. The trick for me is learning to accept change. Another stop on my journey to becoming a better person this year.