Under the Table and Dreaming

Ruling The Roost

Not having a computer at home sucks - ass. Supposedly, UPS is delivering my adapter tomorrow morning. I cannot wait. Not just because I can blog again from home. But because I don't have to do my lecture notes for class by hand. While I don't spend nearly as much time on my computer at home as I did before I started dating, I still miss it. Something as simple as looking up information on Google. I can do it from my Blackberry, which I love. But even my Blackberry has limitations. Typing on that little keyboard gets tedious. Hence, Becky's birthday post being so short. So, by tomorrow things should be back to normal....or as normal as anything gets in my life.

I said I was going to blog about something big last week and then never got around to doing it. It wasn't that I didn't want to talk about it, I just got busy at work and not having a computer at home hampers my ability to blog. So today's the day.

Patrick has been telling everyone he knows that he's unhappy with me. He is feeling like he's not getting enough attention from me because Michael and his daughter are around so much. First, I have had...I don't know, six conversations with him about how he is the most important thing in my life and that if he didn't like Michael, I wouldn't be dating him. I have repeatedly told him that my busy schedule doesn't have that much to do with Michael. I had two jobs and trained for triathlons before I started dating him. It's just that I have less free time where it's just me and Patrick. I have told him that I will always love him but that my heart has room to love more than one person.

He tells me everything is fine. But. He's complained to my parents and to his father about it. Frankly, that pisses me off. I'm not going to tell Patrick that I'm pissed because he'll just cry over it. But it does make me mad. I know he's only 8. I know that this is the first time in his life he's had to share me with someone else. I know that it's hard for him to not be the complete center of attention any more. But I think that is also good for him. He's learning how to deal with others and how to compromise. I'm not unsympathetic to his feelings. Thought, not having been an only child, I can't empathize with him. But, I'm not giving up this relationship because he's upset that he has to share me.

I'm learning, through this relationship, that it's a balancing act. I understand where Patrick is coming from and am trying very hard to make sure that he gets the attention he needs and deserves. But he's 8. He does not rule the roost. I'm not going to let him dictate my happiness. If he did not like Michael or if Michael was mean to Patrick, that would be an entirely different story. In fact, Michael and I were talking about how important it is for your kids to like the person you date. We have both said that we would not continue in a relationship where our kids did not like our significant others. We're both lucky in that his kids like me and Patrick likes him. Since that is not the case, I'm going to stick it out with Michael. And Patrick is going to have to adjust to sharing me.

Sometimes, I feel like a very selfish person for wanting to be happy. For wanting to be in love. I feel like I'm compromising raising Patrick for it. Realistically, I know I'm not. I've been responsible about this. I have tried to balance everyone's wants and needs. Yes, sometimes Patrick will lose out on time with me. But sometimes, he chooses not to spend time with me and I'm making him accountable for that. I know that I will be a better parent to Patrick if I'm happy and balanced. I know that this relationship will set a good example for him. Michael and I rarely argue and we get along really well. We're appropriately affectionate with each other around the kids and I hope we are setting a good example of how a relationship works and how you should treat your significant other.

I know that a period of adjustment is inevitable. I know there will be some acting out. I know that Patrick's patience have been and will continue to be tested. But I think even he will come to realize that, in the end, that he will have brothers and sisters to play with and grow up with. And hopefully, when he's old enough, he'll treat his girlfriend the way Michael treats me and that his girlfriend will treat him the way I treat Michael. Until then, I will have to tolerate the adjustment period.

Adjustments

My boyfriend has 4 kids. I knew when I started dating again that if I wanted to date anyone close to my age, they would probably have kids. The older you get, the higher the probability. Plus I figured that if I was going to date someone who was willing to accept Patrick, then I had to be ready to accept his kids as well. And in that respect, I'm very lucky.

His kids are very nice. They are polite and well-behaved. They are good to Patrick. Michael just got custody of his youngest daughter. She had been living with her mom and was neglected. She has some speech issues, but by and large, has adapted really well to being with Michael. She has also adjusted really well to me and Patrick. Patrick has been very sweet and very patient with her. This has all been a really big adjustment for him.

He told me yesterday at the bookstore that he wasn't sure I loved him as much as I used to. It broke my heart. I told him that he is always my number one priority and that I will always love him. I told him that there is enough room in my heart to love more than one person. I think that it's going to take him a while to understand that. But Michael will be out of town this weekend so Patrick and I will have an opportunity to spend some time together and that will be good for both of us. This summer was too busy for us and we spent entirely too much time apart.

While Patrick has adjusted pretty well to having more kids in his life and Michael being around, I have had to adjust as well. Instead of being a mom to just Patrick, I'm a part-time mom when Michael's older kids are over. And his youngest has started calling me mom. I have to admit I'm a bit freaked about this. But at the same time, it feels right. I'm now used to more than one kid in the house. My parenting style doesn't change. And she seems to listen to me and do what I ask.

Michael and I had a conversation yesterday about how hard it is raising a kid by yourself or having your kid the majority of the time. You always have to be the bad guy. You have to do everything. I have to say that I truly appreciate that Michael helps me with things around the house. He does the laundry so I don't have to. He cleans. He does dishes. That leaves less for me to do. I know that one day we will get to the point where we are comfortable enough with each other's kids that we will no longer have to be the only bad guy. And I will get used to someone other than Patrick calling me mom.

I was thinking the other day about how much change this year has brought to my life. And I have to say that when I stop to really consider where I started and where I am now, it's a bit stupefying. The changes have mostly been good, but they have been life-changing. I am glad for all change - the good and the bad - because it all leads me to be the person I am. And keeps on the road to the person I will continue to evolve to be. And if that means getting used to other kids calling me "mom", then I'm happy with that as well.

Just A Few Words

I'm getting ready for work and will be back at some point with the play list for today. The fact that I have yet to choose a theme bothers me. But hey. I'll think of something. I wanted to write something about the elections in Afghanistan and some other things going on that don't revolve around me and my boyfriend. But I just haven't had the time. I will make some time this weekend to talk about it.

I'm beside myself angry at Patrick's school district for not informing me he needed an intradistrict transfer to stay at his elementary school. I'm going to be on the phone today trying to get things set so he can start school where he wants on Monday. Hopefully, all will work, but you never know. I'll talk about it in more detail after I have a concrete result to discuss.

I have to get ready for work. I hope you all have a great Friday. I'll be back later.

Growing Up

I took Patrick to a birthday party today. His teammate, Cooper, was having a party. For the first time, Patrick wanted me to drop him off and leave him at the party. I was, at once, relieved and upset. I ran this morning and am still paying for it. I have papers to grade and lectures to plan. And am thankful to have the alone time to do that. But, at the same time, my son is growing up. He no longer needs my presence to feel safe and secure. I understand that it's part of growing up. And it's good that he's getting self-assured enough to be able to go to a birthday party for a few hours without me.

For some reason what should make me happy makes me sad as well. He's growing up so fast. I mark all these passages - the inches he grows, the grades he completes - with a mixture of joy, awe and melancholy. I know that it is part of life and I am doing something right that Patrick is growing into such a remarkable person. I just miss the days when he called me "Mommy" and needed his blanket to go to sleep.

I guess now I know how my parents felt watching me grow up. Since there's nothing I can do to change it, I may as well accept it.

A Lesson In Sharing

My nephew is here from Chico until Tuesday. My parents' Rotary Club is having their fund raiser tonight. So, I am watching him, along with Patrick. They came over here after lunch and first, played Twister. Then Battleship. Battleship didn't go too well. My nephew kept accusing Patrick of cheating. And for Patrick, you just don't question his integrity. He doesn't cheat. So I made them stop playing because Patrick was getting upset.

They decided to play with Legos. And they were fine for a while. Then they decided to build with their magnetic things. (I don't know what they are). Patrick was complaining about Carter (my nephew) had more pieces. So Patrick counted them out. There were 51 pieces, so Patrick offered Carter 26 and Patrick would have 25. It was not prompted in any way by me. That's just his nature. So I called him down the hall and told him that I was proud of him for sharing and for offering Carter more pieces. He put his hands on his head and told me he was totally frustrated. He was trying to share with Carter, but Carter wasn't paying attention and just took the pieces he wanted. Patrick also told me he was upset that Carter thought he was cheating at Battleship. I told him that he could take a break from playing if he wanted. So he came in my room and watched Hannah Montana.

I took the boys to my parents' Rotary fundraiser last night. And though they are only 5 months apart in age, they are years apart in maturity. It's not a knock on my nephew. He's 7 and he has the maturity of a 7 year old. Patrick is more mature and I'm used to that. He's been my measuring stick because he's the only kid I have. It's a maturity thing and I'm not sure that it's always good that Patrick is so mature. Sometimes I think he is just too grown up and missing parts of childhood because he's so mature. But, at the same time, that maturity makes it easy for him to share. And to be a good teammate and to understand that sometimes it's better to compromise than fight. 

I thought it was particularly nice of him to offer Carter more pieces of Legos to play with. And it's typical of how he is. I love him so much. Not just because he's mature, but because he's sympathetic and empathetic. And he's just a really good kid.

Monday Blahs

I had a long day. I'm really tired. I had a headache most of the day. On the good news front, I wrote a motion to compel further responses in three hours. That's a record for me. It needed to be done. But it kind of wore me out. Not to mention this weekend wore me out.

Patrick got an award at school yesterday for exhibiting the character trait of trustworthiness. He's getting two math awards and a reading award as well. He's just so smart. He has a baseball tournament this week. He plays Wednesday and Thursday at 8. I'm not happy about that at all. School is still in. I'm irritated by this. But I am going to bite my tongue and let him play.

The Red Wings could win the Stanley Cup tomorrow night in Pittsburgh. I'm excited. And I'm taping the game so no one tell me what happens. I have to swim tomorrow night. Anyway, I'm going to write a post about the Stanley Cup Finals when all is said and done.

That's about all I have tonight. Sorry. I'm tired and cranky. I'll try to have something more interesting tomorrow night.

The Thrill Of Victory

As you all know, I'm a huge sports fan. As I'm writing this, I'm watching Game 5 of the Stanley Cup finals, which I taped yesterday. The Red Wings are taking the Penguins apart. I'm one of the sports fan who occasionally yells at the television and get excited watching a game. But nothing gives me ulcers or heart palpitations like watching Patrick play baseball. This season Patrick played in the Buchanan Cal Ripken league. He made the B all-star team. It's competitive and they want to win. They played a tournament last weekend. It was an A tournament and Patrick's team was a fill-in team. They one won game and lost two pretty badly. But they learned a lot.

This weekend, they had their first B tournament - the Bullard tournament. They played Friday night and yesterday. Friday night, they won handily. The beat the Lyons 16-2. They played three games yesterday. I was late for the first game because I had training and a mentor/coach meeting. I'm one of the few parents who know how to keep score. So I kept score for game 2. Game 3 was the championship game and Patrick's team came in undefeated and was the home team. Which means I was the official score keeper for the game. And that's a good thing because when you keep score, you have to pay attention to everything and at this age, a lot goes on. One play can involve 3 base runner a hit and two errors. Patrick's team played the Lions again.

I won't go over every detail of the game, but we went into the last inning, tied 4-4. The catcher for our team, Nick, played with Patrick on his league team. Nick is a cute little boy, but when he plays ball, he's all business. And he's a good catcher. So in the last inning, he overthrew first base, causing 2 runs to score. The other team was up two. Nick was devastated. Stuff happens. They boys got out of it and came up to bad. The first batter struck out. The second batter got a hit. The third batter struck out. The fourth batter got a hit. The fifth batter in the inning, Daniel, came up. Daniel played with Patrick as well. He's a nice kid and a good ball player. Daniel had made a great catch on a line drive earlier in the game. But coming up with your team down 2 in the last inning with 2 outs is incredibly nerve wracking and hard. And then Daniel hit the hell out of the ball. They tying runs scored and Daniel was on second. Then he stole third. Then the batter hit the ball and Daniel scored. They were up by one. The ump didn't call the game right away, so McKade came up. He got a hit and right before Patrick was supposed to bat, the ump called the game for time.

The boys went nuts, jumping up and down and yelling. The parents were out of their seats and cheering. It was a great end to a great game. We all did the tunnel for them (where the parents stand and put their arms up, making a tunnel and the kids run through it. They were all excited. They got trophies, and hot dogs and ice cream. It was the first trophy Patrick got for winning a tournament and I have a feeling it won't be his last. They have a good team. And Patrick is a naturally good ball player.

While the championship game made me almost an hour late for my birthday party, I wouldn't change it if I could. It was so much fun. Keeping score keeps me in the game and from getting too emotional. But man, it's fun. And I have an entirely new respect for what my parents did for me growing up. All the weekends of out of town games. All the games and leagues and practices. If they didn't fell like going or were bored or anything, but excited, I never knew. Just like Patrick will never know if there are days when I'd rather be doing something else. Yesterday, was not one of those days. It was a great day. 

A Girl Thing

Patrick told me that he's being bullied at school. The bully is a girl. She has been picking on him and teasing him. I tried to explain to him that she's doing this because she likes him. He doesn't buy it. He thinks she doesn't like him. And no matter how much I tried to explain it, he wasn't buying that the girl liked him. I am very proud of him for taking the high road. He doesn't tease back and he doesn't torment back. He just tells her that he doesn't like what she's doing.

This conversation with him got me thinking. We are such complicated creatures. And a lot of the time, we make things way more complicated than they need to be. As we grow up, we learn that it's not okay to say what you think. You'll hurt someone's feelings. Or you'll be hurt. You expose yourself to rejection and scorn and we learn at an early age that people can be heartless and cruel. So we build defenses and we show less and less of ourselves to people. We don't say what we think and we dont' express our emotion for fear of being rejected and hurt.

The older we get, the more complicated we get. We can't just say what we mean or what we want. And women are particularly bad at it. We are so hard on each other. I don't have too many girl friends. But the ones I do have are not girly. They are real and honest and open. A lot of women are not. A lot of women are backstabbing and catty. They treat people like Patrick's classmate is treating him. Unfortunately, some of us don't mature much past second grade.

Why are girls so mean? Patrick asked me tonight. I don't have an answer to that. I wish I did. They just are. I don't think it's really mean. I think love skews our view of things and our ability to be objective and say what we mean. I don't think this girl hates Patrick. I think she likes him. And the only way she knows how to express it is to torment him. He's such a sweet soul - he'd never do anything to hurt her feelings. He in fact told me that he wanted to get her a birthday present even if he wasn't invited to her party. Honestly, sometimes, my kid makes me cry. He gave another friend a gift card from Target that he'd been given for the kid's birthday because he didn't think I had the money to get his friend a gift. Sometimes, he breaks my heart. And sometimes, I just want to take his tormenter aside and tell her that she's being unnecessarily mean. But I know I can't.

Patrick is confused by what he will spend the rest of his life trying to figure out. Why women are they way they are. My response to him tonight was "It's a girl thing." That's the best I can do. And I'm a girl.

Mother's Day

I found out yesterday that a friend of mine died of a heart attack on Friday. It was sudden. He was relatively young and in good health. It ended a week in which 5 people I know died. I'm having a hard time processing all that. But today is Mother's Day. I don't want to put a pall on Mother's Day, but honestly, I wasn't sure what to write today. I have started and stopped three or four times. I wanted to write an ode to motherhood. I don't know if that's what this will be, but here goes.

As a mom, I have done a lot of things I never thought I'd do. I changed diapers; cleaned up accidents; cleaned up puke in the middle of the night; taken care of boo-boos; done thousands of loads of laundry; given thousands of showers; made breakfast, lunch and dinner; played Blue's Clues and Thomas the Train; played basketball, baseball, and football; gone to the batting cage; gone to school performances; gone of field trips; become a fan of Jakers!, Curious George, and tolerated Miley Cirus; attended baseball, football and basketball games; gone to Disneyland, ridden Thomas the Train, and more Grizzlies' games than I can count; seen Blues Clues Live and Sesame Street Live; known the names of all the characters on Blues Clues and Sesame Street. And I have loved all of it.

I am not always sure that I'm good at being a mom. I'm not patient enough and sometimes I'm very hard on Patrick. I expect a lot and forget sometimes that he's only 8. I worry that some of the things I've done have damaged him. LIke forgetting to make cookies for his class for his birthday. I worry that I'm more Morticia Adams than Martha Stewart. I wish I was more Carol Brady than Roseanne. But I also realize that I'm not perfect and I do the best I can. I don't neglect Patrick and have never raised a hand to him.The time we spend together is quality time and I always make sure I'm there when he needs me. But the doubts remain. I think every good parent, especially moms, worry about this.

We have busy lives. Typically, I wake up at 6 and go to bed at midnight and almost every minute in between is filled with activity. Work, school, games, practice, training, laundry, dinner, dishes, showers, homework, cuddle time..... Sometimes, the days blend together. And sometimes I'm so tired I can't think straight.

If I had a choice, I would much rather not have to raise him by myself. Not because I necessarily believe that my raising him by myself is damaging him as some people claim. But because it's easier to be a better parent when the burden doesn't completely land on you. I have to cry in the shower so he doesn't see. I don't get done half what I would like. But I expect a lot of myself. And sometimes I think I expect too much from my son.

But, I must be doing something right and if I had any doubt about that, Patrick's Mother's Day gift to me removed it. He wrote a poem for me, which my mom framed.

        A Mom Is Like A Flower

        A mom is like a flower
            On a sunny summer day.
        You'd pick her in a minute
            If you could have your way.
        A mom is like the sunshine;
            She warms your heart each day.
        And make you feel like smiling,
            It's just her special way.
        Or saying that she loves you,
            The way that mothers do.
        A mom is very special.
            That's why I love you!

Patrick

8 years ago today, I had Patrick and my entire life changed. Those who know me know that I didn't want to have kids. I just never thought I was parent material. And for the one or two people reading this who don't know the story, I didn't tell anyone but Kevin and Katrina that I was pregnant. Which makes for an amusing story for others to tell. I was not in a good place then. And I had planned to give him up for adoption. I didn't think I would ever be a good parent. But once I had him, everything changed.

There was quite the debate over what to name him. His dad wanted to name him William Paul. I was okay with that, but not thrilled. As I held him (after the doctor was done stitching me for an hour), I asked his dad what he thought of Patrick. I wanted to initially name him Sean. But I said Patrick. Which, by the way, I never really liked. It just popped in my head. After much debate about whether he could have two middle names, he was named Patrick William Paul Berry. It was really weird that when I looked at this hours old baby, the name Patrick just came to me. He looked like a Patrick. If I'd known I was having a boy and picked names ahead of time, I never would have put Patrick on the list. He and I were talking the other day and I told him that I'd wanted to name him Sean. He looked at me and said, "Ewwww. I don't like Sean. I like Patrick." Who knows if I'd named him Sean if he'd say that about Patrick. I don't know.

I have been amazed these last 8 years. Patrick is turning out to be a great person. I say that not because he's my kid. But because I actually like the person he's becoming. He's such a sensitive, kind soul. We were shopping at Target one night. We were walking down the middle of the store and we passed a woman who had her son (who was probably 3 or so) in the cart. The boy dropped his action figure. Before I knew it, Patrick walked across the aisle, picked up the figure and gave it back to the boy. He did that before the boy's mom even knew her son had dropped the figure. She thanked Patrick and he said, "Your welcome." and went on his way. I never said a word to him. He just did it because it was a kind thing to do.

He's also really smart. His teacher sent home a bunch of projects he'd done at school. He wrote a paper called "I Am". It is a list of things he is. I'm going to frame it. He said that he thinks there's life off Earth. That he worries about me quitting the triathlon. That he's concerned for people who don't have homes. I'm so proud that he's learning compassion.

Patrick also has a natural talent at sports. He's a really good athlete and he understands sports. When he plays sports, no matter what kind of game he's having, he is the first player to cheer his teammates and to high five them when they do well. He is always cheering for his team and is always upbeat even if he's having a bad game. He's a good sport and doesn't get unreasonably upset when his team loses.

He is a sponge and just continues to soak up knowledge. He was keeping score at the Grizzlies game tonight and he remembered most of what he learned last summer. He's really good at it. We were watching one of the Grizzlies bat tonight and he mentioned that the batter was standing with his front foot toward third. He asked me why he was doing that when he was supposed to step toward the pitcher. It was an astute observation. So I explained to him that the batter lifted his foot and brought it toward the pitcher when he would swing. I told him that was a timing thing and that every batter does it differently. I could tell as I was talking that he was filing it away to use later.

I'm so happy that he likes sports. And books. And school. He's a great kid. And he has changed my life in so many ways. He has taught me to think of someone other than myself. He has taught me to be more patient. He has taught me what it truly means to unconditionally love another person. He has taught me that it's okay to be silly. He has taught me more than I think I will ever teach him.

I told him I was thinking about quitting the triathlon a few weeks ago. I told him that it was just too hard for me and maybe it would be better if I quit. He stood in the shower, soap in his hair, looked at me and said that I couldn't quit. I told him that it would mean more time for us to spend together if I quit. He told me that he didn't care if it meant more time with me. He said the triathlon training was good for me and that he didn't want me to quit. He wanted me to keep going. He wanted me to do more after this event because it was good for me. It made me tear up. My 7 year old was turning down more time with me because he thought what I was doing was good for me.That's just who he is.

8 years ago today, my life changed forever. And while I never wanted to have kids, I cannot imagine my life without him. I can't imagine my life any other way. He's the best kid anyone could ever ask for. I love him with all my heart.