Under the Table and Dreaming

Religiousity And Edumacation

I haven't hit this hot button for a while so I figured I would go there tonight. As I alluded to last night, I have decided to try dating again. I signed up for an internet dating sight. And no, I'm not saying which one. I have gotten a lot of responses to my profile. But here my problem with that. I'm getting one of three kinds of men - for the most part - the uber-religious, old dudes and those who obviously don't speak English. I'm also starting to think it's a scam. Because these guys have photos that make them look normal and American. But they send emails that sound like someone who is just off the boat to America. It's annoying me to the point that I edited my profile to kindly ask those who are very religious and who can't speak English to not bother responding to me.

And really? I don't care if you are religious. To me, religion is something that you shouldn't bring up in casual conversation. I don't like being told I'm angelic and "sent by God" by people who have never met me. I don't know what it is about the internet, but people act like asses. They lose their inhibitions or think the the mask of a computer screen makes it okay to say to people what they would never think of saying to their face. My profile specifically says that I'm not religious. But it seems that these men don't read that. Or don't care. But I'm not going to waste my time with someone who is. Because we may get along like peas and carrots, but that will always end up being an issue. And no matter how much i may like someone, there's no way I'm converting or going to church for that matter. My beliefs are mine and I don't want to spend time justifying them to anyone. I'm so on the fence about what I believe, but I will say that I don't mean to insult of knock anyone who is able to take that leap of faith and believe.

I'm also a stickler for grammar and a good vocabulary and decent writing skills. I'm educated and proud of it. I don't try to hide the fact that I'm smart. I will not settle for anyone who's not smart. And I don't mean degree on a piece of paper smart. I mean smart. Well-spoken. I don't want to waste my time talking to people who tell me to "holla" at them or tell me my profile is "Sexy and Lovely and Sexy". Really? That's just ridiculous. And I'm not desperate. I'm starting to think that asking for someone who's educated and can write well is too much. But I will keep trying. After all, this is just another experiment like life.

Empathy

I'm reading The Audacity of Hope for book club. I actually bought it when it first came out but had not gotten to it. My books-to-be-read list is really long. Anyway, I just finished the chapter entitled "Values" and at the end of the chapter, he talks about empathy. He basically says that most facets of American life are lacking empathy and that he learned it from his mother, who in the face of some injustice she witnessed, would say, "How would that make you feel?" I had literally just finished reading that when my doorbell rang.

My doorbell doesn't usually ring at 11:00 on a Saturday morning. I wasn't expecting any visitors this morning (witnessed by the fact that I'm wearing my flannel sleep pants with moose on them and a fairly ratty Red Wings t-shirt). I debated not answering the door. But curiosity won out, as it almost always does with me. I answered the door, and was immediately sorry I had. A man and his son (I'm guessing he was 8 or so), wearing suits and holding a Bible were standing on my front steps. My first thought was to say, "No, thank you" and shut the door. I figured they were either Jehovah's Witnesses or Mormons. I had a spat of one or the other of them coming to my door pretty regularly when I first moved here. But I didn't say, "No, thank you" and close the door immediately.

I let the man go through his spiel about people blaming God for bad things in their lives when God is blameless. He then read scripture to me. It was about not blaming God and God not trying anyone. It was from James and I'd read it before. But it dawned on me, suddenly as I was standing at my front door and feeling self-conscious about not wearing a bra (something about God and men in suits standing on my front porch), that is why the Catholics believe that St. Peter meets you when you die and he's the one who looks at your life. Because the Bible says God does try you so someone else would have to. I know that's probably pretty elementary, but it honestly just occurred to me.

He then pulled a copy of the Watchtower out of his bag and pointed out an article about blaming God for your problems. He asked me if it would be something I'd be interested in reading and then I did say, "No, thank you." He and his son told me to have a good day and they went on their way.

Solicitors annoy me. They always have. I don't want my day interrupted or whatever task I'm working on interrupted by someone trying to make me a Jehovah's Witness or a Mormon or trying to get me to pay to paint my house numbers on my curb. My first roommate when I moved out and my best friend from high school, used to answer the door to the apartment when the Jehovah's Witnesses would come to the door. She'd let them go through their thing, then say politely, "No, but can I interest you in the Book of Mormon?" It was a sure fire way to end the discussion quickly and it made me laugh.

It was probably because I'd just been reading about empathy that i listened patiently and felt so sorry for the little boy wearing the suit and going door-to-door with his dad. I'm sure they had much harsher rejections than the one I'd given them. They are merely following the tenants of their religion and trying to be a beacon for their beliefs. I can respect that. It doesn't mean I agree, but if I had to go door-to-door for whatever reason, I would expect that people would be kind enough to hear me out. So I heard them out. It did not influence me in any way.

I do not know what I believe in terms of religion. I don't know when or if I'll ever figure it out. I like to think there's a higher being. I like to think that this here is not all we get. But I don't know. To me the Bible provides a good allegory. I don't know if it's true. I believe Jesus and Mohammad lived. Whether they were prophets, I don't know. I'll keep trying to figure it out.

In the mean time, I'll just keep trying to practice living the Golden Rule a little better than I have been lately. I will try to think how something would make me feel. Those are words of wisdom.

The Year Of Living BIblically

I just finished The Year Of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs. He's an editor and contributor to Esquire magazine. He's one of the funniest writers I've ever come across. One of my friends told me not too long ago that he was reading the Year Of Living Biblically and when I saw it in the bookstore, I realized it was by A.J. Jacobs.

He is a secular Jew who decided to live the Bible as literally as possible for a year. The book is laugh out loud funny in a lot of places. His view of God and religion is pretty close to my own, so I found his journey insightful and interesting. He first realizes that these are thousands of rules in the Bible to be followed. He decides that it's not possible to follow all these rules, but he tries. He eats the way the Bible says to eat. He grows a beard, wears all white, etc. He has trouble with lying and coveting and lusting.

I have been thinking a lot lately about religion and spirituality and the existence (or not) of God. So this book was timely for me. I have never read the entire Bible from beginning to end. Probably like most people, I'm familiar with the parts of the Bible that you learn in Sunday school. The Year Of Living Biblically discusses parts of the Bible that I was unaware of. It gave me new insight. It has done nothing to change my mind, as I don't think anything really will.

But. Over the course of the year he lived the Bible, A.J. Jacobs found it easier to give thanks for the things in his life. He had moments of peace. He had moments of joy. I wonder if I were to try something far less extreme than he did, like, for example, giving thanks for that which I have, if I would feel better about things instead of worse. I think there's a lot to be said for your mental state being affected by religious faith and positive thoughts. I do no know if I have it in me to make a leap of faith. But I do have it in me to try to think more positively about my life.

I am not proud of being fired three times in a year. But I think none of the those jobs were right for me. I believe the right job will come along. I got a lead on e a job from a friend. I'm going to get my resume and cover letter faxed today. I'm not happy with my current situation, but I have to stop thinking negatively. It's a self-perpetuating cycle. So the positive in this is that unemployment is going to pay me $50 less a week than my last job. And I don't have stress of working at that place. That's a good thing.

Believe it or not, reading The Year Of Living Biblically has helped put things in perspective for me. It's not going to me make attend church or take a leap of faith. But it has helped me realize that while things are bad right now, I have a lot in my life. I have so many things to be thankful for. I have a happy, healthy, smart child. I have a supportive family. I have the best friends anyone could ask for. I have a home. I have a life. Sometimes it feels small and inconsequential. But sometimes it feel full and promising.

I seem to say a lot that the books I read have an effect on me. I think it's what I choose to read. But this book, like so many others I have read recently, did have an effect on me. I recommend it. I think you'll like it.

I'm going to spend the waning days of this year talking about my favorite things. Books, CDs, Movies, ets. If you have any suggestions, let me know.

A Leap Of Faith

I have discussed before that I'm not a religious person. I am not sure if I believe in God. And I know that I have never walked into a church where I went to worship and felt anything but creeped out. I don't know if that's a relic of childhood church trauma or if it's just how I am now. I do know that I have never felt comfortable in church.

I have been to some of the most famous churches in the world. I have stood inside St. Peter's Basilica in Rome. I have been inside Notre Dame in Paris. I have been in St. Basil's Cathedral in Moscow. I have been in the Sistine Chapel. In writing this, I noted that all these churches are Catholic. Interesting. I have marveled at their architecture. I have marveled at their art and adornments. I have not felt the presence of God in any of them. Granted, they are all tourist attractions. But they are still active places of worship and I did not feel religion in any of them.

The only time in my life I have ever felt anything close to religion was at a small Eastern Orthodox church in Pushkin, Russia. Pushkin is outside St. Petersburg and is the home of Catherine The Great's Winter Palace. While we were there to see Catherine's palace, we stopped at a small church. It looks typically Russian with blue spires. It was built around the time of Catherine. The inside was small and dark. Being a woman, I was required to cover my head inside the church. I was there with my roommate on the trip. We stepped inside and it smelled of old wood and soot. There were ages old icons on the wall. Wooden pews and an altar. Towards the front of the church was the area where the candles are lit. There was a small, older Russian woman lighting a candle for something or someone. She was the only one inside the church. It was quiet and peaceful. And it's the only time I've ever been inside a church and felt any type of communion with God, or whomever.

I feel as though I'm at a crossroads in my life right now. With my career. With my beliefs. With my dreams. With my goals. With my life. The idea of spirituality has always been interesting to me. Probably because I lack it. Part of any 12 step program is giving yourself over to a higher power. I don't know if I can or could do that. I don't want to believe that I have no control over the outcome of my life. Because what's the point. But I also know that part of the reason I think I feel so empty is that I lack the ability to make a leap of faith. To just let go and believe without proof. I find people who can do that amazing. I'm not there.

I have problems with certain tenants of most religions. If heaven and hell exist and are based upon what's in the Bible, I will be going to hell for things I've done. I find that unfair. I'm basically a good person. I try to do unto others and try to be good. I would hate to think that any God would punish me for mistakes. Anyway, organized religion and I do not get along. But I've been wondering lately if my life would be less unhappy and somewhat easier if I made a leap of faith. Or if I were capable of turning my life over to God or Buddha or Allah or some other higher power. I have always been an answer person. I need proof. I don't trust and I don't believe unless I can see proof. That's an impossible thing to ask of religion. You are required to believe without proof. I do not know if I will ever be able to do that.

I suppose I will struggle with this issue for as long as it takes me to make a decision. I will continue to read and think and wonder. And I will continue to be amazed by those who can so freely give their faith to something they have no proof exists.

Personal Growth

I don't believe in coincidences. I don't think our lives are pre-determined, but I do not think things happen for no reason. I think things and people come into your life at any particular time for a reason. The reason may not be apparent at the time, but it will become clear at some point. I firmly believe that when one door closes, another opens. I didn't used to think that. I do now.

I have been struggling for a while with some emotional issues. I have had many endless conversations with a very dear friend of mine about my inability to stop thinking about everything so much. I over-think everything. Many times to my detriment. So I don't think it was by chance that our book club selection for next month was "Eat, Pray, Love". It came to me at a time when I really needed it. I know this sounds all new-age and hippie, but I seriously believe that I read this book right now because I needed it. I needed to see that I'm not the only one who struggles with issues of faith and religion and love and independence and dependence. And love and acceptance. And weakness. And forgiveness, especially the ability to forgive myself. I think that self-forgiveness is the hardest thing you can do. We tend to be much easier on other people than we are on ourselves.

I have a romantic dilemma that I have had for a while. I have had it for a while because I have been thinking about it. I have lived inside my head for so long, I have made some bad decisions in listening to my heart. And because I made really bad decisions, I quit believing that what I felt was healthy. I shut myself off from the possibility of feeling anything. If you close your heart off, you can't get hurt. But you also can't experience love. It's easy for me to not feel. I just go through the motions every day. And I was okay with that because I was in my head. But that doesn't last forever. When your heart is ready, it comes back.

It came back with me with a person whom I love dearly but never felt romantic feelings for. It has come back in such a way that it is impossible to ignore. My heart has hit my over the head and said "You can't ignore me anymore." So I'm being forced to not only listen to my heart but trust. Not only it, but in another person. For me, this is the scariest proposition I could face. I'm not good at trust. I have trust issues upon trust issues. Fortunately for me, the person who is  the object of all this craziness is someone I trust. So I am now going to trust that no matter what happens, our friendship will remain intact.

It is all because of this book. I can't begin to describe the extent to which it dug into my head and my heart and made me reconsider how I've been living my life. And how I've been interacting with people. And how closed off and insulated I have been. I will never be happy or tranquil if I continue down this path. At some point I'm going to have to have the trust in myself to know that I will make the right decisions. That I can have a happy and healthy adult relationship with a man. That's such a huge step for me. Some would call it growth (along with changing clothes two times before going out and wearing makeup).

I'm tired of wasting my life just going through the motions every day. I'm not saying that I'm going to move to Indonesia. Or Italy. Or India, for that matter. My real world responsibilities will keep me from something that radical. But I can make changes in how I go about dealing with my day to day existence that can make a difference in me. I realize that no one will do for me. I have to do for myself. Which will push me well outside my comfort zone. A year ago, I would have said I'm not ready at all for that. Now I can say I don't know what I'm ready for. Which to me means that I'm ready for something to change. And it has to start with me.

I have to shift my beliefs about independence and interdependence. Taking care of others and wanting to be taken care of. Feminism and traditionalism. Some of this will be a radical shift for me. But you have to risk to be rewarded. And you have to experience failure to truly enjoy success (though there's a fine line between failure and masochism - to all those who were thinking of the bar exam with that last statement.) So I'm going to shift my thought processes. I will probably fall on my face. More than once. But I'm going to accept that this is part of growth.

Finding Spirituality

I was told that the "weirdness" I have been experiencing of late is actually growth. I'm not sure I believe that, but I'll go with it here for the sake of argument. The "weirdness" that I was referring to is my sudden concern with makeup and wardrobe when I'm going out. My nervous talking problem. It's all related to my supposed personal growth.

I have to admit that between reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and the end of last night's post, I had an epiphany. I wrote about it last night. I have to say this book is doing a number on me. I have started to realize that I am lacking a basic spirituality in my life that I think I'm going to have to find before I will be able to find any sort of happiness. I know that I'm not going to find it in a conventional church. I have already been that route and it just doesn't work for me. I'm going to have to figure out where else I can find it. I also think that it would benefit my mental health if I can learn to meditate. Just to shut my mind off for a little while. If I shut my mind off, maybe I'll be able to listen to my heart and then I'll be able to move forward.

So, I put it to you - where do you find your spirituality? Do you find it in church? Do you find it in yoga or meditation? Do you find it in the woods or at the ocean? I'm sure that it's a personal question and I will have to seek out my own answer. But I would still like to know what you all think.