Under the Table and Dreaming

Random Acts

Before we left Palm Desert, my mother was complaining that she couldn't find her iPod. I figured that she had packed it already and she would find it when she got home. She called me Sunday morning to report that it was gone. She was getting a new one and could I help her with loading the songs on it (my mom is not technologically advanced to the point that she almost never even turns her cell phone on.) I met her yesterday at my dad's office and as I was loading some cds on her iTunes, I realized that I had packed, but not unpacked my iPod. So it seems that someone got into our room when we were gone and stole our iPods. There was nothing else of value to steal. No cameras or video cameras.

This comes not two weeks after my car was stolen. And it leads me to wonder a few things. First, why does this seem to happen to me during the holidays. This is the third year in a row that something bad has happened to me during the holidays. Second, I must have been a horrid person in another life to have all this bad karma heaped on me in this one. Granted, things could be worse and I realize that. But it still doesn't seem fair to me that this stuff keeps happening. Third, I don't know why some people have no concept of "theirs" and "mine". Plain and simple, keep you hands off things that don't belong to you. I would love to own a Nikon D90. I can't afford to buy one. The thought has never once occurred to me to steal someone else's. I don't know how that works - where a person thinks that they can just take what doesn't belong to them. But I guess I shouldn't be naive or surprised that someone would stoop to stealing my iPod - that survived a tumble off my car and onto Dakota. It sucks because I don't have the means to replace it right now. My dad offered to replace it and I readily accepted on the phone, but am now having second thoughts about that. For reasons I don't completely understand.

I realize that I'm not the nicest person in the world. (Just ask the lady who pissed me off while I was dropping Patrick off at school this morning.) And I also realize that sometimes I think my world is more important than everyone else's. But I also realize that, for the most part, I'm pretty nice. And I've done some pretty nice things this year. I'm not going to make a list because I'm not looking for pats on the back or ego strokes. I'm just saying that I think my nice acts outweigh my bad acts. So why do I feel like I'm being punished by the universe for something? I can only thing of one really bad thing I did - and it was last year to boot - that would warrant such karmic payback. I'm telling the universe right now that I have been sufficiently punished and have learned my lesson.

Despite the recent spate of crap that has landed on me, I'm keeping my chin up and realizing that my car and my iPod are just things. Granted, they are things I love(d), but still just possessions. I have my family and friends who are all in relative good health and that is far more important to me than my iPod with its 6,000 plus songs that are thankfully on my computer, waiting for a new iPod. I have a fantastic boyfriend, the best child a parent could ask for, and the best friends on Earth. So all in all, I think it sucks that bad things happen, but it's not going to drag me down.

Thanksgiving Trip

I promised I would be a better blogger and am not doing a very good job of it. Sorry about that. I really do want to blog more often and about better topics. But I have been trying to tie up loose ends at work and my teaching job so I can take off for Palm Desert with a clear conscience. Which leads me to my post for today. Thanksgiving.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. There is no expectation for presents. It's about family and food and realizing that we are lucky to have what we have and live where we live. I'm particularly thankful for my friends, who keep me sane and who are the best people in the world. In years past, I would spend the day cooking and eating and watching the Macy's parade and football. I would go home Thanksgiving night and watch tv or read. Last year, mom and I did the Turkey Trot, which I wa hoping to make a yearly tradition. No so this year.

It's my first Thanksgiving with Michael and we're not spending it together. I'm incredibly sad about that. See, my parents have a Marriott time share. They go to Palm Desert every year, usually in October and spend the week playing golf and whatever else it is they do. Last year, my mother, in what I can only describe as a fit of madness, decided to use the time share Thanksgiving week and have the family come down there for the week. I have several problems with this plan.

Problem #1 - I haven't been all that lucky on the job front. So I have my third different job in the last three Thanksgivings. I don't have a week of vacation to take. Luckily, my boss is letting me take Wednesday off so I don't have to drive on Thanksgiving day.

Problem #2 - I have to drive 6 hours to Palm Desert. Not that I mind that all that much. I have never minded driving. I just am unfamiliar with the route as I have never been there and don't want to get lost. I'm sure it will be fine. I have my Blackberry and can mapquest what I need to.

Problem #3 - I'm missing Turkey Trot. Yes, I realize that's not a huge deal. But it was my first "event" and I wanted to run it this year instead of walking with my mom. Alas, it will have to wait until next year. I'm bummed about that.

Problem #4 - I'm missing a teaching night that I won't get paid for. It's not the $75 that bothers me. It's just that I don't like to miss class. But I'm having them go to the Library and research their final projects or take the make-up midterm, which some of them will need.  

Problem #5 - The biggest problem for me. It's my first Thanksgiving with Michael and I won't be with him. He's staying here to spend the day with his older kids and to have our yard sale. He and I are not happy with the situation. I wanted nothing more than to spend the day with him. And help with the yard sale. But I can't undo the vacation. So Michael and I will spend Thanksgiving apart. It sucks and it's making me moody and sad.

None of these problems are all that large. None of the problems I have with Thanksgiving are bad. I am thankful that I do have someone to share the holidays with this year. I'm thankful for my health and my child's health and my job. I'm thankful for my friends and family. I will definitely be writing a post about what I'm thankful for and why. But right now, I'm trying to adjust my attitude about Thanksgiving so the holiday isn't a total bust.

Doctors Suck

So, I had to go to the doctor today. Nothing's wrong. But they wouldn't refill my prescription unless I went in. So I did. And I got on the scale, only to see that I've gained weight. Ugh. And to be told that my blood pressure is bordering on high. That's the first time that's ever happened. So I was told I had to lose weight.

I will be the first one to admit that I have not been training much lately. My hip has prevented me from doing long miles. And I haven't been eating as well as I should. I just don't understand how my blood pressure was fine three months ago and now it's bordering on high. I guess things like that happen. And I shouldn't be surprised to the extent that high blood pressure is all over both sides of my family. I was just hoping to avoid that particular malady.

So, I have to eat better and exercise more. Which is theory is fine. In practice it's much harder. But I will do it because I need to. Michael was trying to make me feel better by saying 5 pounds isn't a lot. In and of itself, no. But the fact that those 5 pounds raised my blood pressure bothers me.

Of course, I'm failing to mention the tremendous amount of stress I've had this week with the car situation, the work piling up on me, and some other stuff going on. And I've had no outlet for it. So I suppose it really shouldn't surprise me that my blood pressure is up. Most fat people have high blood pressure. That doesn't mean I accept it or will be complacent about it. It just means that I realize I'm more apt to that type of condition. And I also realize that I'm getting older and that's when shit starts going wrong.

On an entirely different note, I'm reading "The Good Soldiers" by David Finkel. I HIGHLY recommend it. It's about a battalion of soldiers during the surge in Iraq in 2007. It is making me wonder if anything any politician of EITHER party says is the least bit true or accurate. The vision the politicians had and the reality on the ground were two totally different things. Anyway, the book is really fantastic. As good as hyped.

Just Breathe

I have recovered a little bit of my composure from the car thing. I have no idea when it will be drivable or what the estimate is. I'm waiting to find out. Until then, I'm just thankful they found it without more damage.

This has turned into a more hectic week than I'd anticipated. Aside from the car, I've been incredibly busy at work. But I'm keeping my head above water and will work this weekend to continue to do so and in the hope that I can take next Wednesday off. I gave my class their midterms on Monday. Unfortunately, I have not graded it yet, so they are going to have to wait until Monday to get the results. That's life.

Last night, I spent two hours calling Team In Trianing participants and thanking them for their participation with TNT. I volunteered to do it because (1) I want to help and (2) I usually volunteer to help for stuff. I didn't expect it to be as much fun as it was. Coach Jenny was there and she and I got to chat in between phone calls. It was a reminder of how much I miss Team. But talking to the participants and hearing the surprise in their voices when they learned it was a thank you call and not asking for anything was great. I was complaining a bit yesterday because I was tired from class Monday night and from the trauma of the car stuff, but I'm so glad I did it. It was a good way to build some karma and I seem to need that.

Tonight, I'm teaching. A lecture-filled two hours as I have to make up for not teaching Wednesday last week and giving the midterm on Monday. Tomorrow and Friday, I'm going to pack Patrick. He's going to Palm Desert for Thanksgiving with my parents on Sunday. I am trying to leave early Wednesday morning to go down there.

My mind is turning and won't stop. I just keep thinking about all the things I need to get done and how far behind I am. Ugh. I hate that feeling. It makes it hard to sleep. Plus, I still feel a little on edge after the car was stolen. I'm not one to be lax about locking doors and whatnot. I've had my fair share of incidents. But it still unnerves me to think it was stolen right out from under me and I didn't hear it.

I am trying my best to be calm. I can't cry over spilled milk and I can't undo what's already done. All I can do is just go on. The one good thing I've learned in the last year is that you can drown yourself in a sea of regret or you can keep swimming. So I keep swimming. It also helps that I have such a wonderful partner to help me through times like these. Sometimes, a simple thing like a hug or a squeeze of the hand goes a long way to making things better.

Discipline

Discipline and I seem to have parted ways recently. I'm being a flaky blogger. I have not been training very much, if at all. It's been well over a week since I've ran and a lot longer than that since I've been on the bike. Yes, I've been using my hip as an excuse. But really - I just haven't felt like it. I've been eating badly and not sleeping. This seems to be a fall affliction for me. I had the same problems last fall and winter.

In theory, I love fall. It's  It's supposed to be my favorite season. I love the food and the colors and the relief from the oppressive heat of summer. But I find as I get older that while I do love fall, a melancholy kind of sets in. I attribute it to my seasonal insomnia. But maybe it's more than that.

I realize that I'm not always the most disciplined person in the world. I tend to procrastinate with things I don't want to do. And you all know that I'm not a neat-freak. But this time of year seems particularly hard for me to get motivated to do the things that I don't have a problem doing the rest of the year. I wish I had an answer as to why this happens. All I know is I've been tired and haven't felt like doing much of anything lately.

I'm supposed to go on a bike ride tomorrow, despite my aching hip. I want to ride about 30 miles. But in all reality, I probably won't. I should just accept that whatever mileage I do is better than none. Assuming, of course, I actually get on my bike. We'll see.

Once I figure out what's causing my lethargy, I will be able to fix it. Until then, I'm just going to do the best I can.

What I Did Today

So, I said when I was back that I was going to blog more regularly and then I didn't. Sorry. The road to hell is paved with good intentions. I just get busy and tired and then I get lazy. Today was a busy day, but I'm waiting for Patrick to get out of the shower so I have a few minutes.

I went to a funeral today. My third this year. I'm not used to attending so many funerals. This funeral was for my boss' business partner. I didn't know him well, but I knew him. He found out that I did triathlons (he was into mountain biking and body building) and every time he saw me, he would say, "Swim, bike, run?" And I would say, "Yep" and he would comment about how much he respected how hard that was. He was nice to me. He died young - 47. The service was a graveside service. I'm not fond of those, but really, I'm just not fond of funerals. It was a nice service. But sad.

Afterward, I came home and sorted the yard sale toys. I picked up Patrick, ran errands, came home and cleaned the bathroom and kitchen. A lot of activity, but since I slept last night I have more energy. I'm kind of fading as I write this.

I was going to write a long, philosophical post about the meaning of life and not taking any of it for granted, but I'm kind of mentally burnt right now. And the post I want to write is inside me, but not ready to be put on a computer screen yet. Both the funeral and my thinking about being almost half way through my life will probably work into one post. I just don't know where I'm going with it yet.

In the mean time, I will try to have something more cohesive tomorrow. You may have noticed that I have, for the most part, been avoiding politics. I have done so for several reasons, the biggest of which being that I'm just tired of the divisive, name-calling, nonsense that goes on. Politicians would rather blow smoke than deal with reality and the hard facts that we are facing. So I don't feel like calling them on the carpet for it right now. So until I feel like talking about it, I'm not going to.

What I Want Is What I've Not Got

Here's what I wanted for today:

• To sleep more than three hours last night.
• To prepare for my lecture tonight, as I'm being observed by my supervisor.
• A shower before class.
• A nap.
• A less hectic start to my week.
• To write a post about expectations and life - something deep and meaningful.

Here's what I got for today:

• Three hours' sleep.
• Winging my lecture tonight.
• No shower as I have to be at school early.
• No nap.
• A horribly hectic day that has not let up since the alarm went off at 6:30
• A post that is about nothing important and is very shallow.

My apologies to any of you who had expectations of me that were not met. I'll try to do better next time. Until then, I'll try to sleep. Sleep = mood improvement, I hope.

P.S. Brownie points to the reader who can identify where my title came from.

Beyond Tired

I'm still not sleeping. I wake up any where between 1:45 and 3:00 and don't go back to sleep until the alarm's ready to go off. I have a sleep aid I bought at Trader Joe's that is supposed to help, but it takes a while to get into your system. So at 3:30 last night I took an Advil PM.....and nothing happened. At 4:00, I took another one. BIG MISTAKE. Yes, I went back to sleep, until Michael woke me at 6:30. And again at 7:00. And again at 7:15. I feel like I've been moving through a layer of fog all day. I'm tired and getting irrationally crabby. I need a good night's sleep, preferably without the aid of medication. I need to be more coherent tomorrow as I am going to have a long day.

This weekend is the Trail of Two Cities Marathon and Half here in Fresno. I was supposed to be running the half. I am not as my hip is causing me a lot of pain and I'm not going to torture myself just to run 13 miles. But not competing doesn't mean I'm not involved. I have volunteered my time with Team In Training to work their booth at the expo. I wanted to do something to give back for all that Team has given to me.

My mom and her friend, Julie are walking the half marathon on Sunday. They are trying got complete it in under 3 hours as my mom was pissed they finished in 3:03 last year. I will be there when they finish. I am hoping to see a lot of my friends at the finish line. This year, I have a lot of friends who are running.

I was thinking about that the other day. This time last year, I told Becky I would go and stand in the cold and take pictures for her of TNT people. It was after I'd committed to doing the triathlon, but before I'd started training. I look back at where this year has taken me, and I think that it's been an amazing journey. Were it not for my bothersome hip, I would actually be running a half marathon on Sunday. Last year at this time, I couldn't walk 2 miles. I've made some amazing friends and met some amazing people.

If you get a chance and you live in Fresno, come out and cheer the runners. Yes, watching a marathon isn't football game exciting, but it is something to see. I always used to wonder about the people who would stand there for hours and cheer the runners on. But it really is a lot of fun. That and I have a totally different perspective on endurance events now that I've done some.

I owe you my Friday playlist. I don't have my iPod with me, so I will do another post when I get home. In the mean time, be good.

This N That

Once or twice a year, I go through a period of insomnia. I can't sleep. Or I sleep really hard for two or three hours and wake up. I'm exhausted, not having slept past 2 a.m. for three nights. I am not sure what causes it except that it happens when the seasons change. Anyway, I'm really tired. And probably won't make much sense. Here's what's on my mind, though.

My heart goes out to those soldiers and families who were killed or wounded at Fort Hood. I think most of us assume our soldiers are at least safe here on U.S. soil. What a sad thing.

My boss' business partner passed away unexpectedly last night. That is the seventh person I know this year who has died. I'm starting to wonder if people should start keeping their distance from me.

The Yankess won the World Series. Ugh. I hate the Yankees.

NPR did a special report about Afghanistan. If you missed it, you should try to catch it on line. It was really informative.

I will probably read 40 books this year. I'm stoked about that. I just got David Finkel's The Good Soldiers which is supposed to be this year's The Forever War, which was my favorite book from last year so I'm excited about that.

That's all I have. It's off to early slumber for me. Have a good one.

I'm Back

I'm going to post a lot more in a little while. I'm back, though. Sorry for the long absence. I don't have a good excuse so I won't give you a bad one. Needless to say, there is a lot going on that I want to talk about. So I will be coming back in a bit to post. Here's a preview of some topics: the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall; the morass that has become Afghanistan policy; a couple of really good books I've read; and the holidays. I'm sure there's more but that's what I could think of off the top of my head. So I promise not to have another extended absence. I will be back later tonight with more. Thanks for checking in (for those who have been) with me. And thanks for checking to see if everything was okay (you know who you are). It's nice to know that someone notices when I'm absent.