Under the Table and Dreaming

My First Class

As promised, I'm done wallowing and am back to talk about something positive. Last night, I taught my first class. To all my Facebook friends, no, I did not say "dude" one time.  There were also no "ums" and "uhs". My debate coach in high school would penalize us in practice points if we said "uh" or "um" or used slang. When I need to, I can be very eloquent and erudite when I speak. So without further discussion of my ability to properly use the English language, here is what I got out of last night.

• Two hours goes by quickly. Too quickly.
• I already know who my trouble makers are.
• I can tell who takes it seriously and who doesn't.
• Despite my thinking i wasn't prepared, I was.
• A page and a half outline can contain more than 2 hours' worth of information.
• In theory, I love the law.
• In reality, I loved the entire process last night.
• White boards are difficult to write on neatly.
• That classroom felt like home. It was the first time in my life that I felt that at a job.
• I think I could be spectacular at this.

I am going to like this more than I thought. And I think I'm going to be good at it. Time will tell. It felt good to be intellectual. It felt good to explain things. I'm looking forward to teaching more.

I Surrender

I got fired today. Again. 3 times in a year. Second year in a row I will be unemployed at Christmas. It's really, really hard to have Christmas spirit right now. When I got home, I actually pulled into my garage, looked up at the roof of my car and said, "How much more are you going to put me through" to whomever may have heard that. I don't expect a response. But really. What else do I have to do?

The only advantage to my recent spat of firings is that I have now gotten everything I take to a new employer in a Potterybarn shopping bag. It eliminates the need for more than one trip to the car and it's big enough to hold my radio and pictures of Patrick.

I am trying to be positive. I hated that job. I have never hated a job like I hated that one. I didn't want to take it when it was offered. I had no choice. I have some leads on other jobs and will start emailing my resume - again. I wish I could day that I don't think this is a reflection on me, but I'm starting to wonder. My confidence is shot.

I know this is all supposed to make me stronger and I hated it anyway, blah, blah, blah. I know this. It does not make any of this any easier. I'm tried of this. I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of doing this alone. I'm just tired of God or the Universe or whomever screwing me continually.

Job Envy

I have not been happy with my career.........I was going to say choice. But I didn't really choose to be a paralegal so much as being unable to pass the bar exam has forced me into being one. Until the beginning of November, I was a civil litigation paralegal. It was not what I wanted to do, but it had its moments of being stimulating. Now I am a bankruptcy paralegal. I do the same thing all day every day. The same thing that involves math. Have I ever mentioned I'm not good at math? To say this is not what I pictured my life being is as big an understatement as saying the economy is in a bit of a rough patch. I have not been happy for more than a year. It just didn't become painful until recently.

So I have spent the better part of the last year trying to figure out (1) what I'm qualified to do (I'm overqualified for most everything thanks to the degree I have that's not worth the paper it's written on) and (2) what I want to do. I think teaching will be good for me. At least once I've taught one class, I'll know whether it's really what I want. But I've noticed recently that I tend to have the most job envy of people who are lucky enough to be able to write for a living. And not just the authors I read regularly. And yes, I realize how hard it is to get paid for putting words on paper, or a computer screen as it were.

There was an article on washingtonpost.com about Obama's chief speech writer. He's 27 - the youngest person to ever be appointed as chief speech writer. I think that might just be the coolest job on Earth. I could never be a politician. It's too cut-throat and it's never about issues that matter. But being a speech writer is the perfect compromise. One of the best books I read was by Theodore Sorenson who was John F. Kennedy's speech writer. He was instrumental in drafting Kennedy's inaugural, though he claims that the most famous line from that speech - Ask not what your country can do for you.... - was JFK's line. A speech writer like Theodore Sorenson or Jon Favreau (Obama's speech writer), have the ear of the President. That is just cool.

Naturally, there's not much chance of my being a Presidential speech writer. But that's not to say I couldn't eventually be able to use my large vocabulary and love of words to put food on the table. I just need to figure out how to do that. If I could just write a best-selling novel. My problems would be solved. Ha.

Until I do figure out what to do with my life, I'm just gong to keep doing my job, even though it's not what I want to be doing. I know I'm not the only person in this position and I am thankful I have a job. I just wish I could find something that did more than pay bills and put food on the table. I would like to be fulfilled by my work and feel like I'm doing something to contribute to this world. And to leave a mark in some even small way. What I'm doing now is not the ticket to either of those things.

UGH

I was going to work today. I tried. But my key (which is loose description of the device used to enter the building where I work) did not work. Would not turn the red light green. Alas, I could not get in. Alas, I could not work. Alas, I am home watching The Academy. Season 2 has started. They are giving the recruits a hard time. I love this show.

I think I may take a nap. That's the kind of day I'm having. Oh, and I bought a cute pair of shoes. Because I have my priorities straight.

An Hellacious Day

I have not had a bad day in a really long time. Today was a really bad day. So very bad I don't want to discuss it. Except to say it was truly bad. So bad, in fact that I'm having a beer - nay two beers - after Patrick goes to bad. Today, however, is another day. I just wish it were Friday.

Thank goodness that Family Guy reruns are on right now. At least I'll have something to laugh at. There's always at least one laugh line in every episode.

Day Two In The Books

I really don't have anything else to talk about right now (that I can talk about here). Work went well. I spent the day reviewing medical records again. I'm kind of sick of it. I should be able to finish reading the records  by tomorrow. Then I have to put everything in chronological order and write the summary. The hidden benefit is that I get next Monday off. Our law firm is closed on the same days the Court is closed. Freakin' sweet. Three day weekend for me. As if a month of unemployment wasn't vacation enough.

I really don't have anything else to say tonight. I'm really tired. That's part of the reason why I'm uninspired tonight. So, I'm going to wrap this up, go to bed at 10, which is really early for me, and sleep tonight. I promise a better post tomorrow.

Back In The Saddle

First day of new employment is in the books. As much as I was prepared to not like it, I liked it. I'm not usually a corporate person and the law firm I'm working at is large. But the people were so incredibly nice (including my office mate). I share an office. And there's no music...NO MUSIC. It's VERY quiet and I have no window. But I have a JOB. A job I think I'm really going to like. Even though I spent half the day reviewing medical records, something I don't particularly like and have not done in three years. But I will learn the lingo again. And I will write a rocking summary of the 2,000 pages of med records I have to look at.

Here's my bitch for the day (because you know I have at least one): Freaking greedy television conglomerates. Really. How much money does the Evil Empire (aka Disney) need? Really? You can't pay the writers $.04 per dvd and internet stream? Really? You poor, sad, multinational billionaire corporation. They're fucking up my television season. I don't want to watch American Gladiators. I don't want to watch Celebrity Apprentice (Aside: my aversion to the Donald's vehicle may have more to do with his behavior during the Running Horse debacle than anything else, but I still don't want to watch it.) You get my point. I want October Road, Friday Night Lights, Numbers, Women's Murder Club, Without A Trace, Grey's Anatomy, and Private Practice. I want my seven shows back. I don't care about anything else on tv. Just those seven. I want them back. And the writer's are NOT wrong. They are right. We have to boycott watching network television so they will be forced back to the bargaining table to make decent offers to settle this. It's all corporate greed, my friends. (Aide, again: I am starting to think that there might be some truth to the rumor that I'm a pinko). Send emails to the CEO of the networks. Stop watching network television. Hit them where it hurts.

That's about all I have for now. I just made Patrick mad because I said he ate "crap" yesterday. He did, but I can't tell him that. He has now grabbed "Blue", stomped down the hall, and closed his door. This is the true joys of parenthood.

[Edited to add: I just read the blog www.whywewriteseries.com and today's entry was from Hart Hanson, who is the Showrunner for Bones. He used a phrase I'm officially adopting - celebutards (referring to y'all-know-whos). So stealing this word. Love it.]

When You Assume You Make An Ass of You And Me

Today, I'm writing about assumptions. I make them all the time. I am, more often that not, wrong. I often assume the worst of people and events and am usually surprised when I'm wrong, though I shouldn't be. Here's an example of an assumption made that was wrong. [Note: I was not the person who made this assumption. But I did find much humor in it.]

I was at the courthouse here in town last week, picking up the restraining order I got. Two windows down from me was my former boss. She said hello to me, but my response was more of a nod than anything else because I was talking to the clerk about what I needed to do with my restraining order. She then told me she's see me later. I saw her waiting for the elevator when I was leaving, but I took the stairs. I did not take the stairs to avoid her. I just usually take the stairs down when I'm at court. I'm not a fan of the elevator. As I was flying down the stairs, I thought, "She probably thinks I was down here to sue my former employer." I forgot about it and went about my business.

I got a telephone call from someone who knows me and my former boss. She and I were talking and she said, out of the blue, "[Former boss] said she saw you at court. She asked me if you were suing [Former employer]." I almost peed my pants I was laughing so hard. I knew when I was standing at the window in the courthouse that she was going to make that assumption. I knew it. I wasn't even standing at the window that deals with civil suits. And it just goes to show how dangerous they are. I would be willing to bet that she went back to the office that day and told all the attorneys that (1) she saw me and (2) I was suing them. Only half that statement was true. But, if it made them stop and think for a minute, then good.

The lesson in all this is the title of my post. It was certainly a lesson to me. One that I will try to remember. And I will try to stop making assumptions about things.

(Big) Sigh (Of Relief)

I am back in the land of the gainfully employed (well, as of January 14th). I was offered and have accepted a job at a large law firm in town. I will be working for one of the partners, who's a litigator. I interviewed for almost two hours. And my response of "fabulous" to a question regarding last minute preparation of documents got me the job. I'm relieved and happy. Unemployment does not suit me at all. There's only so many "ER" re-runs I can tolerate. But I gave myself a week to declutter my house and relax without worrying.

I also have remedied my other situation with unauthorized people coming onto my property. I do not want to get into detail here, but suffice it to say that the problem is being solved. That's a big sigh of relief as well.

I am going to take down my Christmas tree tomorrow. It's been up long enough. I'll be a bit sad to see it go, as I'm just now starting to like it. But I want my recliner back in its spot and my books back on the table where the village is. I love Christmas decorations, but it will be nice to get back to normal.

I suppose there's a lot to be said for positive energy and positive thinking. I went into this interview this morning thinking that I was going to keep an open mind and think positive thoughts. I think it paid off. I think this job is going to be really good for me. The benefits alone are worth it. I will actually be able to plan for retirement. That's a nice thought, and not too premature. I'm only 15 years away from 50 (that hurt to type.)

I have to get going. I have emails to answer and laundry to fold. At least I have clean pants now.

"For The Mental Health Of The Firm..."

"I'm going to have to make this your last day." This was said to me at 2:30 today. I was handed a check for one week and three days' pay, was given a chance to clean out my office, and was told, basically, don't let the door hit me on the way out. What I really want to do is be like Natalie in Sports Night when Jeremy broke up with her and she refused to acknowledge the break up. Just show up for work tomorrow and pretend I didn't just get fired. What I wanted to say to the Big Boss when he fired me was, "You're obviously not worried about my mental health." What I said was "Would you please explain to my six year old son why Santa won't be coming this year?" [Yes, I said that. I was pissed and no longer cared.] The conversation ended with the potential for severance pay maybe, but I'll probably have to sign a waiver for all unpaid overtime, of which there's a lot. Not to mention the vacation pay I'm not getting that I'm legally entitled to.

I am writing a letter to him. In that letter I will say that certain representations were made to me when I was hired, chief among them being that he thought of the members of the firm as "family". If he treats his family as I have been treated, I would hate to see what he does to his enemies. I have never been so humiliated in my life. (Wow. I sound like Daffy Duck. Sorry about that.) If he does ask me to sign a waiver of overtime to get any severance pay, I probably will. That won't stop me from exploring my legal options vis-a-vis the overtime situation, however. He knows I'm over a barrel.

So Merry Fucking Christmas and Happy Fucking New Year to me. As one of my very dear friends said earlier tonight, at some point, things have got to start rolling my way. At some point, I've got to catch a break...right? Right? Because if my life keeps down its current path, I'm going to have to reevaluate things a bit. I honestly can't take any more. As it is, I don't know what I'm going to do when I have to pay bills in three weeks. And no, my lack of financial planning is not anyone else's problem. But how fucking heartless do you have to be to fire a single mom who's sole support for her child two weeks before Christmas? Pretty fucking heartless if you ask me. But what the fuck do I know? I'm not in charge of anything.